o quiet moss erasure

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© 2012 S. D. Stewart

the vagulator’s erasure

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© 2012 S. D. Stewart

n+7

N+7 (or S+7) is a constrained writing exercise developed by Jean Lescure of Oulipo. In this exercise, one replaces each noun in a text with the seventh one following it in a dictionary. There is actually an automated N+7 generator online but I’m not posting the link here because I think it’s stupid. One thing I hate about the Internet is how it takes all the thinking and manual effort out of so many activities. Ugh. Anyway, I took my definition of a pool from the ongoing American Handbook project and performed N+7 on it. For reference, I’m including the original definition first. For this exercise I used The American Heritage Dictionary of the English Language, 3rd edition. I skipped over proper nouns, pronouns, and homonyms in the dictionary. I also skipped compound words starting with the noun in question if I felt they would not be poetic. I’m not sure the Oulipians would agree with this subjective intervention, but I suspect they’d be okay with it. Who knows. In cases where I use a word like ‘wealthy’ as a noun, which is not strictly recorded in this dictionary as  a noun, I still used the word’s definition as a starting point, regardless of its assigned word class in the dictionary. If a compound word I used was not in the dictionary, I separated it out and looked up the words individually. I did not change pronouns in the text. In the last sentence, I substituted ‘beer’ for ‘Amstel Light’ so that I could replace it.

Pool: A pool is a status symbol popular among the wealthy. In-ground pools are the only ones that anyone cares about. If heated and covered by a screened room to keep out bugs, so much the better. Teenage girls enjoy laying out by the pool as their bratty brothers plot to splash them with water or inflict some other heinous act upon them. Rich mothers bring trays laden with glasses of cold lemonade to poolside. Their daughters sip daintily before applying more tanning oil. Their snotty sons then sneak up and snap the bikini tops of their pretty daughters. When the man of the house arrives home from a tough day at the office, he may, if of a certain disposition, change into his trunks and swim a few laps. But first he tousles his son’s hair in greeting and gazes briefly and uneasily at his daughter before finally kissing his wife on the cheek. He may then pop open an Amstel Light if feeling particularly spent.

Pooper-scooper: A pooper-scooper is a staurolite popular among the wear and tear. In-ground pooper-scoopers are the only ones that anyone cares about. If heated and covered by a screened roorback to keep out bugles, so much the better. Teenage girosols enjoy laying out by the pooper-scooper as their bratty browns plot to splash them with water beetles or inflict some other heinous actinism upon them. Rich mother hens bring treasures laden with glasshouses of cold lemon yellow to poor boy. Their daws sip daintily before applying more tanning old boy. Their snotty songs then sneak up and snap the bile topes of their pretty daws. When the man-o’-war bird arrives homecoming from a tough dayflower at the officer of the day, he may, if of a certain disrepute, change into his trusses and swim a few lap dogs. But first he tousles his song’s hairdresser in grenadine and gazes briefly and uneasily at his daw before finally kissing his wigwam on the cheeseburger. He may then pop open a beetleweed if feeling particularly spent.

la palabra o la muerte

Cigar-smoking guy smoked a cigar yesterday and today, not that I’m counting. He was with his lady friend. They own that patch of grass between the black locusts. Someone had taken their other seat yesterday. Too sunny for that spot, anyway. My black socks heated up in the sun, creating hot bands around my ankles. It wasn’t pleasant. Yesterday cigar-smoking guy smoked his cigar while his lady friend was present. Today he waited for her to leave. Yesterday I was behind them as they walked to the grassy patch. Or rather he rode his bike extremely slowly next to her as she walked. From experience I know this is annoying, on both sides. I almost intervened because clearly I know best.

In his essay in the Spring issue of Zone 3, Don Lago relates a story about Aldo Leopold that I already knew. It’s about how as an eager young man Leopold partook in a hunting party that came upon a female wolf swimming across a stream to her overjoyed pups. The men in the hunting party, including Leopold, joyously opened fire on this happy reunion scene. When they approached the dying wolves, Leopold poked with his gun at the she-wolf, who snarled back, not surprisingly. Leopold related seeing a “fierce green fire” fading from her eyes. It was at this moment that Leopold began to understand the tenets of what would become known as ecology. See, when you kill all the natural predators in an ecosystem, you’ve got two problems: overpopulation of prey animals and the resulting carnage on the ecosystem. Hunters are only so eager to step in and blast away at the defenseless woodland creatures, but it’s too big a vacuum for them to fill. Besides, one could argue that there are also too many humans today, and so where are our predators. Perhaps they are still yet to come. The hunters become the hunted. Oh yes, one day…

So the gulls cried and the orbs ate their raucous lunches on the deck at McCormick & Schmick’s™. Many bees pollinated a flowering bush. They briefly paused over me but found I had no pollen to offer. The water taxi ferried three people somewhere. Someone nearby smoked a cigarette and disparaged someone else over the phone. He had big hair and used nasty words. I was happy for the protection of my bee-laden bush.

Director man’s leaving. Oh well. No shock to this crusty cynic. No one bought his crying act at the meeting. What is there to cry over when you found your dream job in the south of France? No one is buying what you’re selling, buddy. No one. So take your act elsewhere. That’s right. Take it. And now the feeding frenzy begins. Fight to the top. Power and money. The nonprofit world is no different. There are humans here, of course. And where there are humans there is corruption, lies, ruthlessness, greed, manipulation, spitefulness, exploitation for personal gain, false faces. Savor the flavor…of hufu.

Meanwhile, the first cases of Coca-Cola in over 60 years will soon be arriving in Myanmar. Thank goodness the madness has ended. Soothe those parched, ragged throats with America’s sweet nectar, high fructose corn syrup, the great symbol of liberty and freedom. Drink it down, Burma, and maybe one day you’ll be as fat as us. Coke executives everywhere should be proud. Now if they could just crack that North Korean market (not much hope for Cuba, as long as the Castros are around). I’m sure they’re salivating at the thought. Can you imagine the bonuses? The high-fives? The unabashed corporate nudity?

All axehandle hounds aside, though, I’m chopping down a tree. I’m a cat in a paper bag. I’m fighting nothing and nothing is fighting back. No one wants to be a cart on the track of an amusement park ride. The tunnel of love. The tunnel of death. The tunnel of life. Is it shrinking up ahead or widening. I can’t tell. Turning and turning in the widening gyre is what Yeats said. A waste of desert sand, he said, a shape moving its slow thighs, in the shadows of the indignant desert birds.  What rough beast, indeed.

the one and the other totally lose it

I feel despondent, said the one.

I know, said the other.

The weather is outstanding, said the one.

Yes, said the other.

And yet…

Yes?

I feel despondent.

I know. You mentioned that…

And you said you know! How, how did you know, other? cried the one.

I know you, replied the other.

We should be outside, shouldn’t we, said the one.

Probably.

When we were outside…before…I didn’t feel quite so…hopeless, whispered the one.

This isn’t just about Mondays, is it, said the other.

I don’t…think…so, said the one.

It goes deeper, doesn’t it, asked the other.

Yes, yes, so deep, like a filthy jungle pit! cried the one.

Take my hand, one, take it, said the other.

Oh, thank you, thank you.

I don’t know if I have enough chocolate to cure you today, said the other gravely.

I need some of that special prescription chocolate, the one moaned. The kind they keep locked up behind the counter.

What are you talking about?

You know…the SPECIAL chocolate. It’s so strong they keep it locked up.

You are worse off than I thought, muttered the other.

I just need to get through this rough patch, other, the one pleaded. I need to know if I can count on you.

Of course you can! You know that! cried the other.

Don’t shout at me! yelled the one. I’m in a fragile state.

We need to stretch our joints, the other announced. That’s what we need.

My brain stopped, replied the one. It just stopped…back there…I don’t know.

Let’s run like wild horses, one, like wild flippin’ horses! screamed the other.

Yes! Of course! We’ve been in a slow trot here, of course. More like a gallop, yessireee, that’s what we need. I feel better already.

I changed my mind. We’re both axehandle hounds now. Let’s go eat some axe handles.

Nooo…the woodsmen will kill us!!

Wait…what’s that?

What?

That monkey.

Why, other, that is the inkpot monkey, of course!

What is it doing?

It’s waiting for us to finish talking so it can drink the rest of the ink in the inkpot.

Oh, it’s very patient, isn’t it.

Yes.

[slurp]

More of The One and the Other.

the one and the other discuss monday holidays

Today is Monday but it’s also a holiday, said the one.

Indeed, said the other.

How do you feel about that, asked the one.

Eh, I’m noncommittal, replied the one. Sunday becomes Saturday, Monday becomes Sunday, it never ends.

But…are we supposed to hate Monday holidays? pleaded the one.

The other frowned. I don’t think so.

It’s also September now, noted the one.

Yes, replied the other.

The blobs have returned to their indoctrination centers, reported the one.

Ah, yes. I see them in the mornings now, replied the other.

Other, whispered the one.

Yes?

Are you afraid of dying?

No, stated the other.

Why not? cried the one.

Because I like sleeping, replied the one.

The one frowned. But you don’t wake up from death!

That’s fine, said the other. It’s like…ultimate sleep, you know? Sleep deluxe.

I guess, said the one. Do you mean…every time we go to sleep, it’s like a little visit from death?

Exactly, replied the other.

Oh, good. I was afraid death would be more like Sundays, said the one.

How so? asked the other.

Well, you know what Sundays are like, said the one. I even wrote a bad poem about it once! No one wanted to publish it.

Morrissey wrote a song about that, said the other.

Everyday is like Sunday! screamed the one.

Everyday is silent and grey! shouted the other.

The one frowned. But it’s not Sunday.

I know, replied the other. But remember how today is a holiday so actually today is Sunday, for all intents and purposes.

O, right! said the one.

Here, have some chocolate chips, said the other. Chocolate improves mood.

CHOCOLATE! screamed the one, inhaling chips like a vacuum.

Okay, I think you’ve had enough, said the other.

In your face, Sundays AND Mondays! shouted the one with glee.

Gimme those chips back, you fiend! yelled the other.

Not ’til Tuesday! yelled the one.

Fair enough, said the other. But I’ll be expecting cookies later…

More of The One and the Other.

to me, it’s not better than the weather

Waning, waxing, waning, waxing: the rush and the push of mood from hour to hour to day to day to week’s end and to the moon. Reading F. K.’s diary night by night…sinking fast in the horror bog of familiarity. A morass of similarities. [Will I also get TB. Where’s my Swiss sanatorium.] Writing, not writing, writhing, writing, not writing, the endless breakers rising and crashing against this battered cranial jetty. The crushing repetition of my own inspiration. Heat’s ebb and flow, the dying summer exhales rank and humid rattle-breaths as it’s painstakingly strangled by the coming fall. An ugly death, for sure. The work not done around here could fill a hundred empty trucks, on standby, prepared to haul off a life’s accumulated evidence of avoidance. I, the weather-crazed architect, survey an empty expanse of years, so carefully orchestrated, so carelessly implemented, and on every day I rested. And on every day I rested. And on every day I…clamp down on the cause of defeat with mighty waxen jaws, summer’s flame licking holes in their false walls. Caving in on itself, everything is. Last night again was epic dreams I failed to describe accurately in my journal. Just weak fluid flowing from my pen, sketching a toothpick framework for what is becoming dangerously close to more exciting than what I describe here. That is, intricate nothingness. That is, blank walls of clear shellac taped off and rollered with exquisite care, attention paid to the most glaring lack of any details…a veritable Sistine Chapel ceiling of nonexistence. So proud I am for the big unveiling. [Sound of emergency exit door slamming shut.]

Now I drink yerba mate out of a wooden gourd. Now I reflect on how cigar-smoking guy had a lady friend with him today. Not a loner for long. They sat in those weird half-chairs that have no legs. Just a seat and a back and nothing else, maybe arms. What will they think of next. Cigar-smoking guy was not smoking a cigar. His bike was there, but his lady friend must have walked. I sat on the other side of the locust trees flipping through some literary journals I’m supposed to review. The air felt drained of moisture. This pleased me. All around, bands of men in monkey suits capered about in the grasping thralls of machismo, no doubt bandying their latest conquests in the spheres of sex and business. Strip off their power suits and we would all laugh. Or would we cheer. Or arrest. Recall the Naked Rambler. Corporate embrace of full nudity: I’d like to see it. Level the playing field. No more power coursing through expensive Italian fabric. I’m nude, you’re nude, let’s close this deal and go get drinks. High fives all around. See you at the bar.

the one and the other in monday denial

Hello Other!

Hello One.

What’s on tap for today? asked the one.

Please don’t use that phrase. I don’t like it, said the other.

Certainly, replied the one.

Are you feeling badly? asked the one tentatively.

The other sighed. This banter is beginning to read like a Garfield comic strip.

Oh, right, replied the one. Garfield hated Mondays! He would hide under his blanket in his cat box. Not a bad idea actually.

Yes, agreed the other. How do you cope with Mondays, one?

Well, I hang out with you, of course, said the one. But I also read books and listen to music! I’m not very productive at work on Mondays in case you were wondering.

Well, that’s your business, said the other.

Perhaps they will fire me, said the one.

It’s always possible, replied the other.

I think it would be a relief, frankly, said the one.

Frankly, Mr. Shankly, said the other.

This position I’ve held…It pays my way, and it corrodes my soul!! sang the one.

I want to leave, you will not miss me…I want to go down in musical history!! shouted the other.

Wheeee, said the one.

I had a lot of weird dreams this weekend, said the other suddenly.

Dreams are good. I love them! said the one.

Dreams repel Mondays. They are the anti-Monday! said the other, excited now.

What else can we do to destroy Mondays? I want to smash them to bits! said the one.

Maybe we can sneak up on Mondays…like on Sunday nights, and stab them in the back with an ice pick??!! shrieked the other.

Yes! Yes! Kill the beast! Cut his throat! Spill his blood! shouted the one.

Wait. Is Monday the beast…or the deserted island? asked the other.

Who cares! screamed the one. Slit its throat!

Okay, settle down, said the other.

Why?? You started this! yelled the one.

Here, have some pretzels, said the other.

Okay. Pretzels are good, replied the one.

This conversation never happened, said the other.

I know, said the one.

More of The One and the Other.

the one and the other go for a walk

How long can we keep going on like this? the one moaned.

What do you mean? asked the other.

You know what I mean, said the one.

Well, we can’t just abolish Mondays. Besides, even if we did, we would just have the same problem with Tuesdays now, wouldn’t we, said the other.

Why are you always so rational? complained the one.

It’s just how I am, said the other.

What if we just scrambled all the days together. What if, what if…we just took away their names and mixed them all up in a bucket and dumped them back out…do you think that would do something? asked the one hopefully.

The other’s fingers formed a tent.

I have an idea, said the other. Why don’t we take a walk?

Well, okay, said the one.

They stepped outside. The one sniffed the air.

It seems quite unlike a Monday out here, said the one.

How so? asked the other.

It just smells different, replied the one.

The other breathed in deeply and exhaled.

I smell fall, said the other.

Ooh, yes, that’s it! cried the one.

Fall doesn’t mean Mondays are going away, you know, said the other cautiously.

I know, said the one. But it’s something, isn’t it?

Yes, it is definitely something, said the other.

More of The One and the Other.

the one and the other go for tea

The humidity has lifted a bit, said the one.

Yes, replied the other.

Do you think the world is ending? asked the one.

The other frowned. Right now?

Yes, said the one.

I shouldn’t think so, the other said.

But…do you? pressed the one.

No, said the other firmly.

Will you hold me? asked the one.

Of course, said the other.

The two embraced for a time.

This is nice, said the one.

Yes, agreed the other.

[later that day]

It’s time to go, said the other.

Where to? asked the one.

Out for tea…remember? said the other.

Of course, replied the one shyly.

The other draped a shawl around the one’s shoulders.

But it’s so hot! cried the one.

The teahouse is cold, though, said the other.

The one smiled. You’re sweet. Tell me how you got to be so sweet.

I went to night school, the other said.

Oh, now you’re silly! sang the one.

The other smiled and took the one’s hand.

Hurry now, our tea is growing cold.

More of The One and the Other.

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