the trepanner and the termites

The trepanner known as Stan mopped his brow with a faded bandana. The desert sun, high overhead, rendered all thought impossible. Crouched next to a rare trickling spring, Stan cleaned and sterilized his drill with the kit hanging from his belt. He was from the old school, scoffed at the new electric trepans on the black market. Besides, many of his clients weren’t even on the grid. When attending them, he couldn’t count on a reliable power source, so he relied on his own strength: a right forearm bulging from years of manual drilling. Now, as the metal parts of his drill dried in the arid air, he oiled the wooden handles to a glossy sheen. Satisfied with his work, he re-cased the tool and slung the strap across his chest. He had one more client to visit before calling it a day.

Mariela was a special case. Over the past decade, Stan had trephined her three separate times. The last time her family had tried to take him to court. He crossed the border and went into hiding for a few months, until Mariela herself sent word that her family had withdrawn the lawsuit. He’d resumed his practice only recently, and had yet to visit Mariela. Just this past week, though, she’d called several times, demanding a consultation. Mariela made him wary. Most of his clients were pleased with the initial results of his work and he rarely heard from them again, except for occasional check-ups. But he worried that Mariela had become addicted to the first rush of euphoria that follows a treatment. It was not something he had encountered before.

Today Mariela met him at the door flushed and breathless.

“You’re here!”

“Mariela. Yes, I am here.”

He stepped inside the cool adobe house. Mariela ushered him to the sitting room.

“Would you like a drink?” she asked.

He made a gesture. “Just water, if you please.”

“And how are the termites?” she asked slyly.

Stan chuckled. “They are fine, Mariela.”

“To think…a grown man consorting with such horrible….eeensects,” she said in a low voice.

“Please, let us not rehash this. I know how you feel about them. Now, what is it that you have called me for?”

“Ah, yes. Always so to the point you are,” she replied. “Well, I have been experiencing headaches.”

“And when did they start?” Stan asked. “Are they mild, severe…do they last long?”

Mariela sighed. “It’s been months. Sometimes they are mild, only lasting a few minutes…other times for hours, leaving me confined to bed.”

“Any other symptoms?”

“I have not been myself, Stan. The good feelings…they are gone.”

Stan rubbed his salt-and-pepper beard. He’d heard this before. After the first trepanation. And the second.

“Mariela. I think you are expecting too much. This procedure…it’s not meant to cure what ails you.”

Mariela glared at him. “And what is that, Stan?”

Stan took a sip of water and cleared his throat. “Well, I am not a psychiatrist, of course. But I believe you are profoundly depressed, Mariela.”

“But I thought the procedure is supposed to prevent that?”

“It cannot cure a pre-existing condition, my dear. That is not what it is intended for.”

“Why, I believe you have been less than straightforward with me then, Stan. Why did you not tell me this before? I could have saved myself a lot of trouble, not to mention money.”

Stan sighed. He had told Mariela all of this before. Each time she had come to him seeking treatment he had patiently explained to her the procedure’s limitations. But she had insisted on proceeding. She even made vague insinuations bordering on threats. He had almost been thankful when the lawsuit presented itself. It seemed to him a chance to sever this problematic relationship. And yet here he was again in conference with her. He decided to sidestep the larger issue at hand for now.

“If you would permit me to examine you, Mariela? The headaches may be the result of some swelling at one of the sites.”

She consented to his expert touch. His fingers passed lightly over her scalp, seeking the healed indentations. He found all three, holding his pen light close to the skin. As he suspected the sites all appeared well-healed and healthy. Mariela’s headaches were likely either psychosomatic or possibly even related to some other condition. Here was a delicate situation that he felt an urgent growing need to extricate himself from.

“Everything looks good, Mariela. I see no reason for your headaches to be related to the treatments I have administered.”

She pouted. “What about another treatment, Stan? Maybe there is some pressure built up inside, something you cannot see?”

He shook his head. “It’s not possible. The procedure is very exact. Not once have I had a patient experience swelling of the brain. I take great care in that respect.”

He was growing agitated. This woman, she…how do you say? Pressed his buttons? Never in his long career had he encountered such a troubling patient.

Mariela now slumped in her chair, eyes glassed over.

“I am sorry, Mariela, but I must leave. It is growing late and you know how far I yet have to travel.”

Light flickered in her eyes. “Oh yes, your termite friends. Of course. Please give them my reegards,” she sneered.

Stan rose and strode to the door. “Goodbye, Mariela,” he called. There was no answer.

He stepped out into the cool early dusk. Shreds of pink and purple cotton clouds latticed the open sky, tinged with gold by the sun’s waning light. He followed a faint narrow path out into the desert. By the time he reached the termitarium it was almost dark. The termites, overjoyed at his return, milled around his feet in the sand, chattering about the work they’d completed that day. With his last bit of strength, he knelt down and climbed inside the mound. There the termites clustered around him, eager to hear his own tales of excavation.

the one and the other

I never learned to tie my shoelaces the right way, the one said.

What do you mean by the right way? asked the other.

Where you make a loop of one lace, then loop the other lace around that one and somehow pull them together into a knot. I kept trying to do it that way, but I just never could, the one said.

Hmm. So how do you do it? the other inquired.

Well, first I make each lace into a loop and then I tie them together into a knot, the one said.

It’s okay, said the other.

Really? I used to feel self-conscious about it in school, the one said.

It’s fine. There’s nothing to worry about, the other said.

The one leaned back into the other. Warm tingles ran through the other’s body.

I like you, the one said.

I like you, too, said the other.

It’s Monday again, the one said.

I noticed, the other said.

I don’t like Mondays, the one said.

Who does? They are the worst, the other said.

So how can we deal with them? the one asked.

Listen to sad music, the other said.

Really? Doesn’t that…make it worse? the one said.

Sometimes it’s better to surrender. It takes the strain, said the other.

Maybe you’re right…what’s good? asked the one.

I think you know already but here’s a hint for one…Crickets! said the other.

Oh! exclaimed the one.

Yes. Shall we? asked the other.

Indeed, said the one.

[a little later]

Good night, said the other.

See you again? asked the one.

I’m here every Monday, replied the other.

‘Til then, said the one.

N’oubliez pas d’éteindre la lumière, said the other.

I’m not afraid anymore, the one whispered.

I know, whispered the other.

More of The One and the Other.

vera

She used to call on Friday evenings. As soon as I’d get settled at the reference desk after cataloging books all day, the phone would ring. If Rich were there, he’d smirk and walk away, knowing who was on the other end of the line.

“Hello, who’s this?” she’d brusquely ask.

“Hi, Vera, it’s Sean,” I’d say.

Over time she’d come to recognize my voice and would even start asking for me if I was not the one who answered. She was suspicious of new people, but it didn’t faze her for long. The first time I talked to her, I was bewildered. She began listing off seemingly random phrases. Slowly I realized they were crossword clues. She was not unfriendly, although neither would I characterize her as friendly.

She’d often argue about the correctness of the answers I provided. Over time, though, we developed a hesitant rapport. I was surprised when my irritation at her long-winded calls suddenly gave way to comfort in how she helped pass the time on slow Friday nights. I began spending my Friday lunch hour working my way through the newspaper’s daily crossword puzzle so I would be prepared for her calls.

The first time she stopped calling, I wondered where she’d gone. From talking with some of my colleagues, I found out that she was periodically institutionalized at the state hospital. She’d disappear from the phone lines for several months, and one day she’d start calling again like normal. No one seemed to know the details. Well, probably someone did, but I never heard them. I kind of didn’t want to know.

Some of the staff had even met her before. At one time she was well enough to come to the library. I discovered other bits and pieces from talking to my colleagues. For instance, they told me she owned one of those hand-held computers used for helping solve crosswords, which begged the question of why she called at all. Behind her disengaged and often hostile manner, was she really just lonely?

Sometimes while on the phone with her, I’d hear a male voice in the background. She’d occasionally refer to him or say something to him, but never explained who he was. I think his name was Harold, but I may be confusing my memory of these phone calls with the movie Harold and Maude. In my head now, Vera sounds like Maude, but in reality I think her voice was harsher. The years have softened over that roughness in my recollections, like they’ve done with other jagged edges of the past.

I wonder sometimes if Vera still calls the library. I wonder if she ever asked about me after I left. There were so many people I never said goodbye to before I ran from that town. Of course I could find out easily enough if she’s still around. But I don’t really want to know, in the same way that I didn’t want to see her in person. For me, she was a disembodied voice on the other end of the line, someone I could count on to be the same every single time, someone who wanted something from me that I could actually provide. She was an odd piece of the absurd puzzle that comprised a not altogether pleasant period of my life. Somehow she fit in there, though, just like all the other odd pieces did.

ignotum per ignotius

Old Tractor, Queen Anne's County, Maryland

This has nothing to do with the following post.

Good evening, this is your onomatomaniacal captain speaking. While I ruminate over a possible second section of the previously published story, I’m returning this blog to its regularly scheduled program of automatic writing, arcane ramblings, and sudden bursts of intentional confusion. I feel excited and relieved about that, although I realize others might not. To those folks I will relate the following anecdote. I have always been curious about the wasp they call the cicada killer. Now, I like cicadas, so much so that I even have a tattoo of one on my arm (people usually think it’s a butterfly or a bee, but to hell with them). So I was shocked when I first learned that there was a wasp feeding on cicadas. To me, they seemed untouchable. I just figured they showed up, made a lot of noise, and then fell dead on the ground. I had no idea about this cicada killer and I wanted to know more. Well, today I finally saw a cicada killer. IT WAS FLYING WITH A CICADA THAT IT HAD JUST CAUGHT. This was at the country estate of my sister and her boyfriend. The cicada killer flew past me with its cargo and descended from the sky to the edge of the garden, where it promptly disappeared into a hole in the ground! I was flabbergasted. So if you’re feeling disappointed about the story not continuing right now, just be thankful you’re not a half-dead cicada being dragged underground by a wasp. And if you’re not disappointed, that’s good, too, because you must be reading this blog for the aforementioned rambling confusion and such, which is what we now have plenty of here.

More about cicada killers here. Side note: my favorite part of that link is the droll observation made in the photo’s caption that “Tall grass does not seem to keep them from locating the entrance.” Indeed it does not, as I saw with my very own peepers earlier today!

P.S. I may post a few more photos later from “Weekend at the Country Estate,” starring cicada killers, muddy dogs, giant gardens, and ancient abandoned vehicles.

new poems published

On Friday two of my prose poems appeared in the new issue of Umbrella Factory.

Yesterday four of my prose poems were published in the new issue of Avatar Review.

destroyers despoil, dessicate…desecrate

Destroyers come and go, leave splinters stuck in flesh. The invisible ones so hard to tweeze. Bathe in alcohol, seek where it burns. Trust rusts, cowers in your heart’s dark corners.

The well-dressed destroyer is hard to spot, but look for the smile. It’s crooked and false. Talk seeps like oil, slick to the ears, popping with heat. We drink it up, let it drip down, leaving holes in its wake.

Enter the fixer with boom and detergent. Too late to scrub. Too late to contain. Casualties cauterize the causeway. Volunteers move in with murkier motives. High tide beckons, we retreat to the hill.

Those despoiled blend in with the rest. Open their arms like mechanical dolls. Destroyers long gone, wreckage wake trailing, hidden from view but for a few.

I want to retrace the lines—help consecrate, recreate, rehydrate the husks.

I know that smile.

the acidic pleasures of baudelaire

From “One O’ Clock In The Morning,” in Paris Spleen (Varèse translation, New Directions):

“At last! the tyranny of the human face has disappeared, and now there will be no one but myself to make me suffer.”

Of course no poet can be acidic all the time, not even Baudelaire.

From “The Stranger”:

“I love the clouds…the clouds that pass…up there…up there…the wonderful clouds!”

Wonderful clouds indeed!

returning

I’m back from The Great State of Texas, inspiration for much fine cinema and home of many fine musicians, such as this fellow (one of whose college friends I ate lunch across from last Saturday [see, Texas is not always as big as it seems]) and this other guy (note: not a native Texan). I have photos to share but it will take me some time to organize a photo post. In the meantime, the new issue of Vine Leaves has appeared, with my vignette “Silver Jean” printed within its digital pages. Travel photos to follow soon!

farther along the continuum

Yesterday morning I attended a funeral. Yesterday evening I attended this. The entire show was fantastic, but a highlight for me was experiencing another of Katherine Fahey‘s crankies. Last year, seeing her “Lost Gander” crankie inspired the (re)naming of this blog.

The contrast between morning and evening struck me hard. This juxtaposition of diverging moments is the rich loam where insight tethers its spindly roots.

But there are only so many pivots. And there is only so much loam.

I will be away for a while. I hope to return with photos…and maybe insight.

In the meantime, here are two poems of mine from the new issue of Gone Lawn.

Keep tending the soil while I’m out.

friday news round-up

The title is misleading. I wrote a much longer draft of this post with more actual news before tragedy struck. Some unfortunate combination of keystrokes led to obliteration of said draft. I’m afraid I don’t have the energy to recreate it, but here are the highlights: trees (magnolia, cherry, and crabapple), gardening plans, Fyodor Dostoyevsky, and Jorge Luis Borges (he was a librarian, y’know).

The editors of Vine Leaves accepted one of my vignettes for publication in their April issue. If you’re wondering what a vignette is, the editors provide a definition here. Up with vignettes!

This weekend I’m going to see this.

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