I’ve been making music again. It feels really good. I’ve also finally entered the digital recording age, so I am better prepared to collaborate with a long lost musical soul mate who remains separated from me by a slight, but still significant, geographical divide. However, I have a hard time diverting the creative river inside me to multiple channels. So, the prose writing suffers when the music writing flows. We’ll see what happens.
All posts in category creativity
not really off the wagon
Posted by sean on January 26, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/01/26/not-really-off-the-wagon/
3:33
Wake up uncertain, through blurred eyes reach out, unmask the dread box full of time: 3:33 AM. I am untethering; I feel this, yes, I do. I float above myself all day, drifting, occasionally deleting Russian spam, wondering when this gossamer thread shall fray, then sever, to release me. I remember being young, staring at the ceiling, imagined walking on it, stepping over door frames to enter rooms; it seemed better up there. My thoughts upside down, always, then and now; my records all broken, need to melt them down, re-groove with new sounds and words.
Posted by sean on December 16, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/12/16/333/
routine
Drinking cold coffee and thinking about routine. Do you love or loathe it? I’m conflicted, myself. Stepping outside of routine allows new perspective to flood in, the cracks and gaps full of seeping insights. But without the comfort of familiarity wrapped around us, we are vulnerable. There is exposure to the unknown. There is loss of control. The older I get the more I think about this. Do I want to walk along the boundaries, toeing the lines, free to move across them at any time? Do I want to take those risks that seem less appealing with each passing year? Does being grounded have to shut off the tap to the creative flow, or even merely reduce it to a trickle that barely hydrates a parched mind? Is there a way to squeeze a pulsing ribbon of liquid life down to those potbound roots? Perhaps I have not struggled fiercely enough. Maybe there is a balance that I just have not yet discovered.
Posted by sean on December 8, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/12/08/routine/
rethreading the needle
I decided it was time for a change around here. Not just the colors, but the name itself! A misnomer I’ve been itching to fix. The name never reflected the content, so I vowed to one day rectify that duplicity. Now that day has come! Unfortunately, the few of you who read this thing will now encounter a broken link. Hopefully we’ll reconnect at some point.
I’m trying to rediscover my writing voice. I temporarily lost it along the way somewhere. Or rather, I stopped using it as much and it faltered, got rusty, dried up, whatever. But I feel the words welling up again, surging toward my fingertips. And I’m hoping that as they travel through me their flow will act as a salve to the ugly welts that have sprung up in my psyche.
Posted by sean on November 21, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/11/21/rethreading-the-needle/
darker ends to days
Well, I spent much of the week battling illness. It did enable me to catch up on my reading, while also keeping me away from work, which is always a good thing. I felt incredibly restless at times, in between catnaps and long stretches of reading, causing me to marvel again at how elastic a day can seem when there is no set agenda. Time off to myself leads to reflection, of course. I’ve neglected this blog, my attempts at musical expression, and inevitably a few other things (keeping in touch with people comes to mind). I could make excuses, but they’ve exhausted their validity by now. I have a house now and that is incredibly awesome. However, I’m deeper in the city and I miss my feathered friends at the window feeder. The overwhelming majority of feeder birds in my backyard now are House Sparrows and Mourning Doves, with only occasional chickadees and cardinals. The age-old seesaw continues to teeter and totter: city versus country, socialite versus hermit. My mind expands but I’m still really just going nowhere. In short, not a whole lot has changed. There’s a strange sort of comfort in that. Maybe it’s getting older and becoming more comfortable in my own skin. It’s like I feel less inclined to explain myself; my funny ways are just part of who I am. And I’m okay with that.
Posted by sean on November 6, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/11/06/darker-ends-to-days/
circles
So I took a look back at what I was rambling about last year around this time, and it was a lot of the same thing. Mostly complaining about the cold and hoping for spring, while simultaneously bemoaning my creative stagnation. How disappointingly predictable I’ve become. Last March I claimed that “never have I anticipated the end of the cold this much.” Hmmph…I believe I’ve topped that again this year. I also spoke of my “struggle to pry away the crust of creative inactivity that has hardened over me, leaving me a dull cistern of lukewarm life juice, sloshing and slopping all over my dried up mental flooring.” Sigh…I really need to get my act together, quit my complaining about this and that, and do something important. My birthday was a few days ago, and it served as yet another reminder that time marches on (nod to Metallica) regardless of whether I’ve got my marching shoes on or not. Lately I’ve been identifying with the character of Ed Chigliak in the late great television show Northern Exposure. Ed is a frustrated artist, a dreamer, and is seemingly incapable of following through on projects or sometimes even starting them in the first place. He drifts through episodes of the show, making his trademark movie analogies, but never really doing too much of anything. I don’t see my identification with Ed as a good thing, especially as he is 21 or so, an age at which such confusion and uncertainty is often a given, whereas I am much older, and yet in some ways I feel like I have not progressed much farther on my path than Ed has. However, I take heart in what the character of traditional healer Leonard tells Ed during one of Ed’s particularly low points: “The path to our destination is not always a straight one, Ed. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn’t matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark.” To that I would add that it is also our travel down the road itself that often affects us the most.
Posted by sean on March 21, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/03/21/circles/
zine life
I’ve been publishing my zine Thoughtworm for about 12 years now. The consistency of my publishing schedule has fluctuated over the years, but in the past few years I’ve settled into a routine of releasing issues about once-a-year. It usually happens near the end of the summer, although an unpleasant bout with writer’s block knocked me off schedule two years ago and I’ve yet to return to a regular timetable.
Back in the zine’s heyday, I had a mailing list of well over a hundred; I sent out postcards and email announcements when new issues appeared, and traded with a lot of other zinesters. Producing and distributing the zine was quite an operation. Between the cover design and printing, the collating and stapling, and the addressing and mailing, it was a lot of work. And that was all in addition to writing, editing, and proofreading the damn thing. Of course, I had someone helping me for a long time, and she was much more efficient than me. Without her, I probably wouldn’t have been nearly as prolific. Even though it was hard work, though, it was a labor of love. I made good friends whom I still feel a special bond with. I have five binders packed full of correspondence that continues to grow, and a sprawling collection of other people’s zines and artwork. I used to receive the most interesting mail; every week the mailbox yielded several wildly decorated envelopes stuffed with a wide range of goodies and some of the most thought-provoking writing I’ve ever read.
These days I’ve scaled back a lot; it’s a much more streamlined operation. I print less copies. I trade with far fewer people. In fact, a lot of people who I used to trade with don’t even publish anymore. Zines, by their very nature, are ephemeral. Many don’t last past issue one or two. Those of us who have been publishing consistently for over ten years are members of a rare breed. Since I’m working on a smaller scale, I receive far fewer personal orders. I probably sell more copies through stores. Of course, I’m also not as thorough about sending new issues out to review publications. I guess I’m just not as concerned with getting new readers as I used to be. It’s nice when it happens, but I’ve never felt wholly comfortable promoting my own writing and it’s much easier to share new issues within a smaller known circle of readership.
Still, there is always the thrill of finding a letter in my PO Box from a new reader, especially in this age of primarily electronic communication. It’s equally exciting to discover a new zine there from an old correspondent who I thought had stopped publishing altogether. I may not find something in my box every week these days, but there’s a comforting rhythm to the waves of correspondence that do come my way. It’s these old connections that remain, and the few new ones that are forged from time to time, that are the pleasant side effects of my creative endeavor. They help inspire me, and for that I’m very grateful.
Posted by sean on February 20, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/02/20/zine-life/
day and night
Blank mind in daytime hours. Night mind at rest stuffed with latent flotsam. To reconcile impossible. In sleep, what’s behind the wall stirs. To empty into linear thought, an uncertain task. In waking, the trivial seeds itself deep in dry barren soil. Buried even deeper dwells the core. I seek only to scrape down and gaze upon it for a moment.
Posted by sean on February 11, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/02/11/day-and-night/
a prelude
Acrid winds from the past barely flutter past these days. It’s been longer than I can remember stillness such as this. Meditation in the moment comes more easily and more frequently, not always lacking in blackened tinges, but welcome nonetheless. And yet the rudderless voyage remains: the spinning in place, the lack of any one singular focus. I can’t ever tell if this is just my fate or my fatal flaw. The present state is not a bitter complacency such as I’ve tasted before, but still I feel tugs and yanks from deeper, richer corners of my psyche: roiling wells that have been tapped before and bubble over in anticipation of release again.
Posted by sean on January 27, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/01/27/a-prelude/
clever nuthatch
Awhile back I reported on the Red-bellied Woodpecker that pecked a small hole into a tree in order to crack seeds open to feed his young charge. Well, this morning I saw a White-breasted Nuthatch grab a seed from the feeder and fly over to that tree, drop the seed in the same hole, and hammer it open. I wonder if the nuthatch saw the woodpecker create this little hole and decided to use it himself? Or if he just discovered it at another time while creeping up and down the tree in his usual manner. Either way, this was a fine illustration of how different species utilize the previous enterprising work of other species.
Posted by sean on September 16, 2008
https://sd-stewart.com/2008/09/16/clever-nuthatch/

