return of the little yellow birds

I spent four hours birding in the woods today and was excited to finally spot some warblers! I saw both Pine Warblers and Palm Warblers (an entire small flock of ’em). The Palm Warblers are just passing through; they breed much farther north, chiefly in Canada. But some of the Pine Warblers will be sticking around and raising families.

It was an otherwise good birding day. I saw and heard several Brown Thrashers. Not exactly exotic, but they are only here in the summer months and their intricate songs are a real treat to hear. I like hearing them skulk around in the underbrush, too. I also saw two Pileated Woodpeckers goofing around with each other on a tree trunk. That was cool…I always love seeing those crazy birds. Down on the water, I witnessed some fascinating social interactions between two male Mallards and one female. It seemed like the one male was trying to chase off the other one, but at one point the female acted like she’d had enough of both of them and chased them off so she could do some feeding in peace. Eventually the one guy got the girl and the spurned fellow cruised off to sulk by himself.

I felt like I could’ve stayed out there all day. Four hours passed so fast, and I was reluctant to leave. Lately I’ve been thinking about those solitary days in the past spent alongside a muddy river. I spent so much time outside back then…it was the only way I kept from going crazy. It seems like I’ve always felt much more at ease in the woods, or otherwise surrounded by nature and wildlife instead of inside, surrounded by “stuff.” When I’m inside, I tend to go too far inside myself. It’s like I’m being squeezed tight by the walls around me. But outside I can breathe, I can untether my soul and let it roam free.

I think I am just going to be forever restless.

involuntary memory

Reading Proust makes me reflect on involuntary memory, a concept that I’m perpetually fascinated by. Something seemingly mundane occurs in your everyday life and that transports you to a certain point in your past; a valve opens without a conscious effort on your part, and a sluice of memories suddenly washes over you. A common trigger for me is certain smells. From these I experience the deepest, most intense recollections. Hearing certain songs or parts of songs sometimes also has this effect. Because I have a memory that approaches the photographic, these recollections are particularly vivid and can even induce a trance-like state. I stop short of calling my memory truly photographic, because my mind has not retained one hundred percent coverage of past events. But I can, either at will or involuntarily, view many specific “scenes” from my past that are painted in the most exquisite detail. For me, involuntary memory is something to indulge in when it occurs, while at the same time exploring its significance on a personal artistic level.

in my head

in the woods

Warmer weather lured me and Em Ell up the winding roads to Prettyboy. We hiked around and stalked the birds. We sat then in the soft brown grass under the still bare spreading boughs of a sycamore. The air is still; the wind rustles through the trees and the birds sing. I am calm. I am finally quiet inside. I think that if I spent every day of the rest of my life in the woods that everything would be okay. These moments are the antithesis of the hours spent in front of my computer at work. There is no substitute for them. These moments are bigger than anything else I can ever dream up to bring peace to my ragged mind.

state of the birds

circles

So I took a look back at what I was rambling about last year around this time, and it was a lot of the same thing. Mostly complaining about the cold and hoping for spring, while simultaneously bemoaning my creative stagnation. How disappointingly predictable I’ve become. Last March I claimed that “never have I anticipated the end of the cold this much.” Hmmph…I believe I’ve topped that again this year. I also spoke of my “struggle to pry away the crust of creative inactivity that has hardened over me, leaving me a dull cistern of lukewarm life juice, sloshing and slopping all over my dried up mental flooring.” Sigh…I really need to get my act together, quit my complaining about this and that, and do something important. My birthday was a few days ago, and it served as yet another reminder that time marches on (nod to Metallica) regardless of whether I’ve got my marching shoes on or not. Lately I’ve been identifying with the character of Ed Chigliak in the late great television show Northern Exposure. Ed is a frustrated artist, a dreamer, and is seemingly incapable of following through on projects or sometimes even starting them in the first place. He drifts through episodes of the show, making his trademark movie analogies, but never really doing too much of anything. I don’t see my identification with Ed as a good thing, especially as he is 21 or so, an age at which such confusion and uncertainty is often a given, whereas I am much older, and yet in some ways I feel like I have not progressed much farther on my path than Ed has. However, I take heart in what the character of traditional healer Leonard tells Ed during one of Ed’s particularly low points: “The path to our destination is not always a straight one, Ed. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn’t matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark.” To that I would add that it is also our travel down the road itself that often affects us the most.

a walk to calm the mind

Concentric circles radiated outward across the water’s surface, each one born of a single drop of rain. I could have easily stared for hours, the quiet moments punctuated by the rattling cry of a kingfisher racing at low altitude back and forth above this portion of the stream. But instead I moved on, muddled thoughts swirling in my head as my eyes struggled to extract the beauty from a natural scene blighted by humanity’s grotesque reminders: the ubiquitous plastic bags hanging like profane ornaments in the branches along the stream’s banks, the silver hubcap gleaming obtrusively in the bushes, the child’s beach ball bobbling in a section of rapids. I thought, I could clean it up, spend hours of my free time picking trash from the water and the surrounding bushes and trees. But I know it would be a fruitless never-ending task. Instead I entered the arboretum and stood listening to the chickadees, cardinals, and robins as they no doubt discussed the weather. I walked around, read the signs, checked out the aqueduct system and the rain barrels. I left then and began to climb the hill. As I climbed, I noticed some early spring bulbs poking their heads bravely out of the soil. A few daffodils have even bloomed, splashing surprising color here and there across a still mostly dull brown background. Last week in Texas, it was shocking to see so many trees budding out, some already in leaf, and the beds at the Dallas Arboretum bursting with flowers in full bloom. Soon things will turn the corner here, I thought. There are signs we will yet vanquish winter. I arrived back home then cold and a little wet, but with a calm mind.

it just seems like there’s no end in sight

This winter is never-ending. Spring drags its muddy feet, reluctant to bless us with its milder tones, and I in turn remain sluggish and reclusive, like a surly overwintered plant not yet ready to unfurl its new leaves toward the sun. The white sky, the wind, the cold air within my house conspire to press me down. My body at rest stays at rest, no forces working upon it. I waste away; I shrink inward only to then recoil from what I find within. For the cold resides deep down in my bones, gathered in thick pools that creep forth to fill every cavity. I have begun to harbor caustic feelings toward this season we call winter. I love three seasons out of four, yet I’m not sure if even that combined love outweighs my growing hatred of the fourth.

the stitching across so many wounded hearts

The sky above Black Beauty Ranch.

moving pictures

Last night I watched The Good Life. I liked it. It was the kind of movie I tend to like. There was an outsider and life seemed to be hitting him hard where it counts. I always identify with outsider characters, be they in books, movies, or in real life. This movie also featured Zooey Deschanel. I like her. She seems to have impeccable taste in the projects she takes on, even Elf. All the Real Girls is a particularly good movie she was in. Harry Dean Stanton was also in this film, and I loooove Harry Dean Stanton. He is the man. Two words: Repo Man. Mark Webber played the main character in The Good Life and he did a bang-up job. He was also the kid in Broken Flowers. I don’t think I’ve seen him in any other films, but now I will keep my eye out. After the movie ended, I sat quietly for a few minutes. I usually do this after I finish watching a movie I like, especially one that stimulates my creative impulses. It needs to sink in a bit.

Well, I’ll be away for a while, but not too long. When I come back, maybe I’ll have something to write about…maybe.

This post filtered through the sounds of Mogwai “Yes! I Am a Long Way From Home.”

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