the one and the other go for a walk

How long can we keep going on like this? the one moaned.

What do you mean? asked the other.

You know what I mean, said the one.

Well, we can’t just abolish Mondays. Besides, even if we did, we would just have the same problem with Tuesdays now, wouldn’t we, said the other.

Why are you always so rational? complained the one.

It’s just how I am, said the other.

What if we just scrambled all the days together. What if, what if…we just took away their names and mixed them all up in a bucket and dumped them back out…do you think that would do something? asked the one hopefully.

The other’s fingers formed a tent.

I have an idea, said the other. Why don’t we take a walk?

Well, okay, said the one.

They stepped outside. The one sniffed the air.

It seems quite unlike a Monday out here, said the one.

How so? asked the other.

It just smells different, replied the one.

The other breathed in deeply and exhaled.

I smell fall, said the other.

Ooh, yes, that’s it! cried the one.

Fall doesn’t mean Mondays are going away, you know, said the other cautiously.

I know, said the one. But it’s something, isn’t it?

Yes, it is definitely something, said the other.

More of The One and the Other.

why does this channel play such a peculiar strain of white noise

Your shoulders bend forward to keep out the world. I see it. What is the point. Why do we insist on throwing ourselves out into the fray. Retreat! Climb onto this liferaft I have constructed from a few termite-riddled planks bound together with the discarded hairs from your head. It’s all different but the same. Longing and self-denial: our life’s work, the unrequitable nectar from which we feed, desperate fools that we are. I can’t bear to look.

Today I took Farley to Spiderweb City. I heard a Black-billed Cuckoo, a bird I identify with. Common but secretive? Rumored to predict rain? Maybe not. I came home, ran around inside the house with my paint bucket, sweating, the futility of it all welling up inside, allegro. Mainlining futility, hoping someday for the pure uncut junk that blows your mind.

Later: party time. An invitation not refused. Perhaps the strangest party I have yet attended in a lifetime of suffering strange parties. Now here I sit, a party of one. Freebasing dictionaries and dreaming of foreign scents. The window is open to let in the rare cool night air. The city crickets patch together their ragged symphony. I am restless with the other music, but not drowning out the crickets. The stage is set for insomnia. Cue white noise…aaand, ACTION.

Observer versus participant in the steel cage match of life. Who wins. I wish I knew. Not that it would matter. I can’t change now. I feel like a bad character actor playing myself when I go out in public. The superficial bumbler. Kafka talks about being alone and how it restores himself to himself. How he comes alive when alone. The noise in his head quiets. He says, “Being alone has a power over me that never fails. My interior dissolves […] and is ready to release what lies deeper.” When two people are together in aloneness it is a curious thing. In some ways it is liberating. I think it may be the best we can hope for, but I still can’t see how it ends.

So we are afloat on this rotten raft held together by your hair. And I reach to pull your shoulders back but they no longer move. Like my spine they are stuck out of place. It’s dark now and the sea grows rough. I know the morning will come, but what does that even mean. At what point did the day really end. Some weeks stretch like taffy. Others make Friday the pin on this grenade and you’re stretching your long thin arm to it all week but it’s always out of reach until all of a sudden you’re yanking the pin out and it all blows up in your face. Or it’s a dud. Either way you lose another seven days. The box of grenades is not bottomless.

The rain is falling now, again. Like the cuckoo sang it would. Rain crow, rain crow, sing us a shower. This bird is killed by pesticides; this bird collides with TV towers, with tall buildings that house banks and corporate overlords. Let us all share the blame for killing a bird that sings when it is about to rain. For there are few sounds so soothing as gently falling rain.

angel giants stomp with long necks stretched

I dream about people I don’t even know, sometimes after I think about them so so much that I feel like I almostbutnotquite know them. I dream about people I know and my dream-mind puts them in places I know well, but then they are different…there’s a stream, for instance. The landlord is a squat petty thug and the place is a dump and I’m wondering why my friends want to rent it, other than that they are cheap and like old rotting buildings and, oh, there’s a girl using a sewing machine in the basement. We see her in the picture window as we walk by. Everyone waves. And I guess that is reason enough. I ask my friend if the landlord will clean up the place first and he says no. There is clothing lying on the floor and junk everywhere. That night we have an “art party” there. I don’t even know what an art party is, but apparently it is pretty crazy. People were walking on the walls. It may have been dark and people may have been glowing. Later I wake up (for real) with a staggering cramp in my left calf. Probably all that wall-walking with necrotic dream limbs. Waking life, hmph. There is a light that never goes out there is a light that never goes out there is a light that never goes out. Glad that’s off my sunken ship of a chest. Anyway, I’m climbing up this rocky incline to get to the stream above. When I get there I yell down to the others. There’s no bank up there. The water almost sloshes over the side. This is on a street I used to ride my bike on all the time. There is no stream. A map of my town imprinted on my brain at some point. My dream self makes good use of it. More interesting now than it used to be. Or maybe everything gets less interesting as we get older. Try to surprise me. It can’t be done. I dare you. Outside dreams, of course. The other night an industrial toaster suddenly fell out of a ceiling panel in the dream room next to me, followed by the man there to install it. That surprised me.

Three years before his death at age 41 Franz Kafka wrote in his diary, “I have seldom, very seldom, crossed this borderland between loneliness and fellowship.” He was speaking of his refusal throughout life to accept offers that would open the door to social, even public life. That is what I do. I refuse offers. I am a refuser. Of offers. I listen to dark wave and brood instead. I am a brooder. A refuserbrooder. I concentrate on shunning contact.

The summer is a slow time. But what happens when autumn comes. What happens then. Everything begins to die, that’s what. It’s delicious. The earth opens its pores and accepts all this decaying matter into itself. Nutrients are restored. Birds collect dried seeds from dead flowerheads. The trees remove their clothing with no trace of shame. Their spindly exposed limbs shake and shiver in the October winds. The days shorten and the light takes on a golden cast. All my dendrites tingle. Sleep comes on deeper and shrugs off slower.

As I spun the pedals closer to my building this morning I caught the scent of roasting coffee on the morning breeze. And I forgot about all the fool drivers I’d not so gladly suffered on my ride. Maybe there is an antidote for every poison shoved down our throats. Maybe it takes a lifetime to find them all.

travel plans thwarted

Mars: The New Utah?

Exploration reveals that Mars looks like Utah. I’m ready to go. Who’s with me? If we hurry we can get the force field up in time to keep out the idiots. Maybe. Come to think of it, Mars might be too high profile. We need a lesser planet. Yes, a lesser planet will do nicely. Perhaps even a “dwarf planet.” Ceres sounds nice. It’s about the size of Texas. That’s big enough for a few of us if we spread out.

So, the preparations are coming along. I’m building a spaceship out of old sci-fi novels. I’m literally gluing paperbacks together into a spaceship shape. Really it’s going to fly, I swear.

Well, yes, I can understand that maybe you don’t want to fly with me. It’s cool. I’m used to flying solo. We’d probably all just end up irritating each other anyway. Or exploding. It’s not shaping up to be a big ship. I can only find so many free sci-fi novels, after all. I’m also a little worried about all that cheap pulp burning up as the “ship” approaches escape velocity. Need to work on those heat shields. Maybe some old National Geographics taped to the outside?

Okay, this is actually just a pipe dream. I don’t even have the plans completed. I’m sorry I got your hopes up. Maybe we can build some model rockets instead. We can take them out to the country and set them off in my friend’s backyard, away from the city, in the dark, the stars twinkling above. We can squint really hard until our eyes go blurry with almost-tears. Someone will light the fuses and the rockets will be off: up, up, up into that place we usually only go in big metal winged tubes packed with fussy sweating orbs, free beverages, too-tight seats. With our squinty salt-rimed eyes we’ll travel with those rockets into the unknown, leaving the ground for a second or two in our heads, and thinking about what it would feel like to not ever come back.

the one and the other go for tea

The humidity has lifted a bit, said the one.

Yes, replied the other.

Do you think the world is ending? asked the one.

The other frowned. Right now?

Yes, said the one.

I shouldn’t think so, the other said.

But…do you? pressed the one.

No, said the other firmly.

Will you hold me? asked the one.

Of course, said the other.

The two embraced for a time.

This is nice, said the one.

Yes, agreed the other.

[later that day]

It’s time to go, said the other.

Where to? asked the one.

Out for tea…remember? said the other.

Of course, replied the one shyly.

The other draped a shawl around the one’s shoulders.

But it’s so hot! cried the one.

The teahouse is cold, though, said the other.

The one smiled. You’re sweet. Tell me how you got to be so sweet.

I went to night school, the other said.

Oh, now you’re silly! sang the one.

The other smiled and took the one’s hand.

Hurry now, our tea is growing cold.

More of The One and the Other.

the trepanner and the termites

The trepanner known as Stan mopped his brow with a faded bandana. The desert sun, high overhead, rendered all thought impossible. Crouched next to a rare trickling spring, Stan cleaned and sterilized his drill with the kit hanging from his belt. He was from the old school, scoffed at the new electric trepans on the black market. Besides, many of his clients weren’t even on the grid. When attending them, he couldn’t count on a reliable power source, so he relied on his own strength: a right forearm bulging from years of manual drilling. Now, as the metal parts of his drill dried in the arid air, he oiled the wooden handles to a glossy sheen. Satisfied with his work, he re-cased the tool and slung the strap across his chest. He had one more client to visit before calling it a day.

Mariela was a special case. Over the past decade, Stan had trephined her three separate times. The last time her family had tried to take him to court. He crossed the border and went into hiding for a few months, until Mariela herself sent word that her family had withdrawn the lawsuit. He’d resumed his practice only recently, and had yet to visit Mariela. Just this past week, though, she’d called several times, demanding a consultation. Mariela made him wary. Most of his clients were pleased with the initial results of his work and he rarely heard from them again, except for occasional check-ups. But he worried that Mariela had become addicted to the first rush of euphoria that follows a treatment. It was not something he had encountered before.

Today Mariela met him at the door flushed and breathless.

“You’re here!”

“Mariela. Yes, I am here.”

He stepped inside the cool adobe house. Mariela ushered him to the sitting room.

“Would you like a drink?” she asked.

He made a gesture. “Just water, if you please.”

“And how are the termites?” she asked slyly.

Stan chuckled. “They are fine, Mariela.”

“To think…a grown man consorting with such horrible….eeensects,” she said in a low voice.

“Please, let us not rehash this. I know how you feel about them. Now, what is it that you have called me for?”

“Ah, yes. Always so to the point you are,” she replied. “Well, I have been experiencing headaches.”

“And when did they start?” Stan asked. “Are they mild, severe…do they last long?”

Mariela sighed. “It’s been months. Sometimes they are mild, only lasting a few minutes…other times for hours, leaving me confined to bed.”

“Any other symptoms?”

“I have not been myself, Stan. The good feelings…they are gone.”

Stan rubbed his salt-and-pepper beard. He’d heard this before. After the first trepanation. And the second.

“Mariela. I think you are expecting too much. This procedure…it’s not meant to cure what ails you.”

Mariela glared at him. “And what is that, Stan?”

Stan took a sip of water and cleared his throat. “Well, I am not a psychiatrist, of course. But I believe you are profoundly depressed, Mariela.”

“But I thought the procedure is supposed to prevent that?”

“It cannot cure a pre-existing condition, my dear. That is not what it is intended for.”

“Why, I believe you have been less than straightforward with me then, Stan. Why did you not tell me this before? I could have saved myself a lot of trouble, not to mention money.”

Stan sighed. He had told Mariela all of this before. Each time she had come to him seeking treatment he had patiently explained to her the procedure’s limitations. But she had insisted on proceeding. She even made vague insinuations bordering on threats. He had almost been thankful when the lawsuit presented itself. It seemed to him a chance to sever this problematic relationship. And yet here he was again in conference with her. He decided to sidestep the larger issue at hand for now.

“If you would permit me to examine you, Mariela? The headaches may be the result of some swelling at one of the sites.”

She consented to his expert touch. His fingers passed lightly over her scalp, seeking the healed indentations. He found all three, holding his pen light close to the skin. As he suspected the sites all appeared well-healed and healthy. Mariela’s headaches were likely either psychosomatic or possibly even related to some other condition. Here was a delicate situation that he felt an urgent growing need to extricate himself from.

“Everything looks good, Mariela. I see no reason for your headaches to be related to the treatments I have administered.”

She pouted. “What about another treatment, Stan? Maybe there is some pressure built up inside, something you cannot see?”

He shook his head. “It’s not possible. The procedure is very exact. Not once have I had a patient experience swelling of the brain. I take great care in that respect.”

He was growing agitated. This woman, she…how do you say? Pressed his buttons? Never in his long career had he encountered such a troubling patient.

Mariela now slumped in her chair, eyes glassed over.

“I am sorry, Mariela, but I must leave. It is growing late and you know how far I yet have to travel.”

Light flickered in her eyes. “Oh yes, your termite friends. Of course. Please give them my reegards,” she sneered.

Stan rose and strode to the door. “Goodbye, Mariela,” he called. There was no answer.

He stepped out into the cool early dusk. Shreds of pink and purple cotton clouds latticed the open sky, tinged with gold by the sun’s waning light. He followed a faint narrow path out into the desert. By the time he reached the termitarium it was almost dark. The termites, overjoyed at his return, milled around his feet in the sand, chattering about the work they’d completed that day. With his last bit of strength, he knelt down and climbed inside the mound. There the termites clustered around him, eager to hear his own tales of excavation.

synopsis of a seventeen second play

A reflection is almost always false. Remember that next time you think it’s a good idea to hang a mirror on the wall. But never mind about props. On with the play for today. I’m doing the lighting. No, wait. I’m the leading man! I’m a researcher searching for secrets in the archives. If you read them, you will find them. The secrets, that is. In the archives. Perhaps. They are secrets, after all, so it’s not like they’re just out in the open.

In the second act, I guestate in your house for a while, but as I was never actually invited I eventually fade into the wallpaper. Why does that always happen to me. Like when I attend office baby showers. What is the point. When will I learn to politely decline. At least the fruit was fresh. At least that was the case. I took full advantage. And then I left. Three delicious strawberries later. Retreat!

Since I’m also writing this play while acting in it I get to decide what the the final sound of the final act will be just as I make it. And it is this. A tree falling alone in a forest. Wait, I can’t replicate that. Sooo…yeah, guess you’re gonna need to make up your own sound, after all, in your head, man. Is it the same sound when you’re around or not? Is it. Is it the same sound. How should I know. This is not a philosophy lesson; it’s a play.

In the epilogue, I talk about how the letter ‘M‘ has held significance for me throughout my life. Ooh, sounds intriguing, huh? Well, you’re not going to get to read it because I wrote that part at night sans lumière and so it’s illegible. Too bad for you. So are my seventeen seconds up or what? Yes? Okay, close curtain.

the one and the other

I never learned to tie my shoelaces the right way, the one said.

What do you mean by the right way? asked the other.

Where you make a loop of one lace, then loop the other lace around that one and somehow pull them together into a knot. I kept trying to do it that way, but I just never could, the one said.

Hmm. So how do you do it? the other inquired.

Well, first I make each lace into a loop and then I tie them together into a knot, the one said.

It’s okay, said the other.

Really? I used to feel self-conscious about it in school, the one said.

It’s fine. There’s nothing to worry about, the other said.

The one leaned back into the other. Warm tingles ran through the other’s body.

I like you, the one said.

I like you, too, said the other.

It’s Monday again, the one said.

I noticed, the other said.

I don’t like Mondays, the one said.

Who does? They are the worst, the other said.

So how can we deal with them? the one asked.

Listen to sad music, the other said.

Really? Doesn’t that…make it worse? the one said.

Sometimes it’s better to surrender. It takes the strain, said the other.

Maybe you’re right…what’s good? asked the one.

I think you know already but here’s a hint for one…Crickets! said the other.

Oh! exclaimed the one.

Yes. Shall we? asked the other.

Indeed, said the one.

[a little later]

Good night, said the other.

See you again? asked the one.

I’m here every Monday, replied the other.

‘Til then, said the one.

N’oubliez pas d’éteindre la lumière, said the other.

I’m not afraid anymore, the one whispered.

I know, whispered the other.

More of The One and the Other.

film review: short cuts

This movie is terrible. First of all, it’s over three hours long. If you’re going to make a movie that long, it better be good…damn good. I watched the first 10 minutes or so, which consisted of flickering credits interspersed with long opening scenes (an annoying stylistic affectation). At this point, I switched to scanning through the scenes. This film, billed as Robert Altman’s “masterpiece,” purports to swirl Raymond Carver’s work into a cinematic “mosaic.” Having read most of Carver’s stories, I decided to cut to the chase and find the scenes that I consider his finest work, and see how Altman mangled them. I don’t know if it was the disgust I felt at reliving the trappings of 1990s American culture (perhaps our most sickening decade to date) or the horror of seeing the fresh young faces of so many now well-established American actors and actresses contribute to what amounts to a pissing contest on the collected short fiction of one Raymond Carver, but when I arrived at the bastardization of “A Small, Good Thing” (possibly my favorite Carver story), I could go no further. I guess I don’t get it. The cast of this film reads like a Who’s Who of Hollywood. And not necessarily bad Hollywood. There are definitely some good actors in here (Hello Julianne Moore, Frances McDormand, Tim Robbins: I’m looking at you, among others). Maybe it was the 1990s that warped them (Sorry, Tom Waits, but I don’t think this excuses you). On the other hand, Alex Trebek has a cameo, so take that for what it’s worth (keeping in mind that we have Canada to blame for him). The fashion alone in this film is enough to make you vomit profusely. Carver’s stories are still popular today because they are timeless. But this film is dated, its stylistic baggage weighing down on the strength of any given scene to the point of crushing Carver’s lifeblood out of it. We all know that film adaptations of literature are always a disaster-in-waiting, but few approach the extravagant failure of this bloated celluloid monstrosity.

red light green light

Shifting synchronicity of traffic lights marks the vague change between these days. Whoa, that one is red this morning. I now recognize that yesterday has become today. Also, I think I’m wearing different pants. Speaking of today, it’s Office Olympics Day, an awkward afternoon-long opportunity to observe one’s colleagues caper with impunity in the insipid name of morale-building. Well, no amount of frisking about can rouse this drone’s morale. Even worse, OO is scheduled to start at the beginning of the usual lunch hour. Whose idea was that, I demand. Tell me, you fools. But it’s like shouting down a dry well of indifference.

This song triggers memories of driving back roads with my sister on the way to buy bootleg cassettes at the Sunday flea market. Poring over the endless rows of tapes by obscure bands, the excitement of finding strange new music coursing through me as the summer sun shines down. That’s really where it started, after all, this mystical journey down a jagged, thorny path leading from the dusty crossroads of early adolescence, a place where little acceptance was to be found. Of course it’s farcical to think anything was easier then. But as I gathered the tools of defense against a harsh world, enforcing my armor with sounds to yield lifelong comfort, the process prickled with the electricity of discovery. And these shocks, so intense in youth, temper as the years wrap gauze around us. I fear it’s the daily doing that does us in.

After the Olympics, which my team did not even medal in despite winning multiple events (team competitions are notoriously rigged at my place of employment), I leave early and walk out into a storm. Louder than bombs thunder strikes overhead. I duck under an awning hoping to wait it out before hopping on the bike to ride home. An Indian man stands next to me chain-smoking. More Indian men stream by, cigarettes in hand. Seems to be a gathering of sorts. Afternoon traffic builds like layers of crusted pus on an angry sore. People run from the rain. Building to parking garage. Building to parking garage. I grow impatient and take my chances. The rain falls on even as the sun violates the clouds. A sudden humidity clashes with cold rain on my hot skin. Drop, sizzle. Drop, sizzle. Red light, green light. Go.

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