old dreams

Excerpted verbatim from dream journal:

7/14/09 – Was looking at faces of famous figures projected on the wall and each had a message to give. Walt Whitman appeared in black and white. He says, “The country is totally fucked now. I tried to warn you with my poem but you didn’t listen.”

10/4/09 – I died but in this dream world after you die you continue to walk around and be active like a live human being. This allows you to finish up your business on Earth, like making out will, etc. I can’t remember how I died but I was young, like the age I am now. I remember riding on a train and G___ came to meet me; he was kind of watching over me. You have two weeks from your point of death before you truly die, so there is a lot to do in a short time.

Quote from dream on 9/27/10: “See to it that anarchy is restored.”

destroyers despoil, dessicate…desecrate

Destroyers come and go, leave splinters stuck in flesh. The invisible ones so hard to tweeze. Bathe in alcohol, seek where it burns. Trust rusts, cowers in your heart’s dark corners.

The well-dressed destroyer is hard to spot, but look for the smile. It’s crooked and false. Talk seeps like oil, slick to the ears, popping with heat. We drink it up, let it drip down, leaving holes in its wake.

Enter the fixer with boom and detergent. Too late to scrub. Too late to contain. Casualties cauterize the causeway. Volunteers move in with murkier motives. High tide beckons, we retreat to the hill.

Those despoiled blend in with the rest. Open their arms like mechanical dolls. Destroyers long gone, wreckage wake trailing, hidden from view but for a few.

I want to retrace the lines—help consecrate, recreate, rehydrate the husks.

I know that smile.

can you fit your leg in your mouth?

Sometimes I’ll turn around and my dog will have almost his entire leg shoved in his mouth. This gives me great pleasure. His entire body is just one big toy to him. Don’t even get him started on that pesky tail.

It’s hot here and I remember now how I tend to lose my faculties in this type of heat.

Dream journal entry from last fall:

“I took a nap in the afternoon. I dreamed a fly flew in my mouth and I woke up choking on it. I fell asleep again and was dreaming about eating sesame sticks out of a bag when I realized there were flies in the bag and I may have eaten some. I woke up and there weren’t any flies around. It’s November.”

I vaguely remember that flies in dreams have a certain meaning but I’m afraid to look it up because I think it might be bad. I rarely try to analyze my dreams, although I’m not averse to the idea. I just haven’t explored it much.

our small furry friends in dreams and waking life

I had to slam on the brakes to avoid hitting a rabbit tonight. I’m so sick of automobiles. Death traps they are. I’m not well-suited to them.

Today I read through sections of my dream journal for the first time in perhaps forever. Here’s an entry from May 2010:

“I could understand what squirrels were saying. Apparently they have jobs like us and were discussing a colleague. It was actually quite boring.”

My process for dream journaling involves retrieving the notebook from my bedside table as soon as I awake. I try to approximate automatic writing as near as possible. The result is extraordinary; when I look back at entries I often have no recollection of writing them. Frequently there are editorial comments on the dream that I’ve entered during the recording process. A lot of these are simply question marks indicating my confusion about the presence of a particular person, theme, or action in a dream.

I often have horrific dreams, many of them set in post-apocalyptic settings (usually due to some form of environmental collapse). In an entry from April 2010 I complained about not remembering my dreams lately. The next morning yielded this entry:

“Well, I got what I asked for. Gruesome dream during part of which I was standing at the bottom of this chute. People at the top were throwing down these plastic bags, some of which contained blood and other fluid, and others that contained chopped up body parts. Sometimes the bags would break open. Disgusting.”

Dreams such as these leave me shaken. But dreams also bring welcome visitors from my past, such as my dearly departed cats. Waking from these dreams leaves me warm inside.

Lately many of my dreams have been set in my hometown, a place I haven’t seen in almost 20 years. It’s made me curious to visit.

A common thread in my dream journal is the periodic desperate comment that I haven’t been remembering my dreams. Dream-life is so important to me, and when I lose that connection to it waking life appears dimmer than usual. I also feel that dream-life and waking life interact. Sometimes the two are so bizarrely different, but as I keep track I see a seamless passing of themes, of characters, of settings between the two worlds. There is a path between them that I know is worth traversing.

revoke my car privileges and drop me in a field somewhere, please

Rarely do I feel compelled to deconstruct my entire day in the space of a blog post, but today was um…special, shall we say? It started out normal enough. Armed with an unexpected day off, I crossed county lines with field glasses in hand to search for field birds. I had good intel on locations for breeding birds, and made haste for them. With windows rolled down, I heard the telltale robotic jingle-jangle of a Bobolink and navigated over to the shoulder. Out of the car in a flash, I first thought I’d been fooled by a nearby mockingbird attempting to hog the spotlight as usual, but then the bobolink himself flew overhead, tinkling and jingling to his heart’s content. He flew across the road and landed in a field, affording me adequate looks to get the day started off on the best foot. Nemesis bird comes home to roost! I moved on. I drove the country roads for about an hour and a half and found the birds to be generally cooperative. I saw and heard all my target birds for this trip. Meadowlarks were plentiful and I got a couple of stellar looks at them. Horned Larks were not as plentiful but I did spot a couple from a distance, and heard them elsewhere. I found a singing male Dickcissel perched on the exact section of power line where I found one last year…could it have been the same bird? In addition to these birds, I was also treated to great looks at several American Kestrels.

As I began to wind down my time, I returned once again to the site of the initial bobolink sighting to see if I could cop another look. As I navigated the car onto the opposite shoulder this time, the right front end suddenly sunk into a hidden ditch. When I got out of the car, I saw that the back left wheel was about 3 feet off the ground! As I assessed the seriousness of the situation, a man in a box truck drove up and offered assistance. We tried moving the car with him sitting in the hatch for balance (he was sorta stocky), but that didn’t work so he offered to seek out a farmer down the road with a chain, or failing that to call the sheriff’s office. While waiting around, I watched a bobolink groom himself while perched on a power line. Unfortunately my concern about the car impeded my joy at witnessing this scene. About 20 minutes later I was about to give up on Box Truck Man and call a tow truck when simultaneously the sheriff showed up and two country dudes in a big pick-up passed by and offered to pull me out. Within minutes they’d hooked a chain to the frame and pulled the car out. Country folks rule! I thanked them all profusely and decided to head back to the city after so much excitement.

I needed to pick Em El up and shuttle her downtown for a meeting but I had some extra time so I stopped to check on the birds at another favorite location. There I found expected Prairie Warbler and Hooded Warbler, although couldn’t get a visual on the latter. Many singing Field Sparrows, a perched Turkey Vulture (usually they’re circling endlessly overhead at this spot), a singing White-eyed Vireo, and other usual suspects rounded out the mix.

Once downtown I killed more time (die, time, die!) by finishing Darkness Visible and continuing with Paris Spleen, drinking espresso, and getting yelled at by a probably schizophrenic man. Somehow I think Baudelaire would’ve appreciated the scene. Unbeknownst to me, while all of this fun was taking place Em El’s car was being towed because I failed to read the red highlighted part of the parking meter that said No Parking Between 4-6 PM Mon-Fri. Yes, this is common knowledge to those who frequently drive and park in the city. However, I’m like a deer in the headlights when I get downtown behind the wheel of a car (really bad simile in this context, I know). I don’t know the rules, man! I’m a cyclist, for god’s sake. I haven’t owned a car since 1997 or something (if you’re curious, it was a Plymouth Valiant that sat in my driveway for a few years after I used it to move to Virginia [it looked like this, except crappier because it only cost $400]). Anyway, I guess the cycling gods were raining down holy fire and brimstone on me today for driving too much lately. Maybe I deserved it, but damn, those cycling gods are harsh. Of course, no thanks to The City of Baltimore, either, always taking and never giving!

As we waited in line to pay the obscene $272 required to get the car back, I attempted to lighten the mood by telling Em El that at least we can chalk this up as another quintessential Baltimore experience (along with other special things, such as becoming the victim of a crime and receiving wildly inaccurate water bills). After all, you haven’t really lived in Baltimore until you’ve waited 45 minutes in the tiny concrete bunker under the interstate overpass with all the other suckers preyed upon that day by the blood-sucking savages commonly known as tow-truck drivers.

As if all this wasn’t enough, immediately after Farley ate his dinner tonight he barfed it all up in various places around the house along with all the water he’d drank in the previous 30 minutes. By that time, I was about ready to hurl myself off the deck in search of sweet unconsciouness.

To sum up, my joy tonight is all tangled with misery and weariness.

d = rt

Rain-washed city at night I welcome you. Empty streets and silent skies fall into step. Green grow the shadow trees. Beneath your leaves, I untether my fears, not even knowing if it’s safe. It might not matter.

Morning yawns open, its breath dry and breezy, this heat island cooled for now. Scudded clouds on blue, white shreds of a humid shroud shrugged off. Suspend seeking sustenance to gaze on bareness before you. I always see(k) it.

Distance equals rate times time plagues time travelers and distance runners. How far outside the circle I stand. Is it distance or time that matters. I can never get that straight. Distance being relative, for some meaning time. I hate math.

Twist the word wrapper at the ends of meaning like hard candy in cellophane. Suck it down to syrup, feel the rush. Spit back at the spitting sky, for its taunts fall on us with no reason. Stretch your hand out, fail to pass it through the clouds. These best things remain out of reach. What we have are objects on the ground. What we have feels arbitrary. I don’t want it.

Thoughts control, alter our actions. I sung that once. In youth we state the obvious. Of course they control; of course they alter actions. What did I know. I was a crippled distance runner. I was a failed time traveler. I was standing in the rain, spitting, waiting for the morning, candy melting on my tongue. One day dawn broke.

And now there is this. An equation to tinker with, variables to solder: a space behind me to fashion into organs of my own truth.

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