Hello, I am a fully licensed and bonded daydreamer. There is no one more qualified than me to stare out a window all day and think fanciful thoughts. My highly active imagination generates a constant flow of grandiose ideas and intricate schemes without a single accompanying thread of motivation to follow through on implementing any of them. Lately, this has become an unwieldy burden while attempting to complete the typically mundane tasks that comprise my current job. Hence, I am seeking alternate employment. If you choose to hire me, I ask only for a desk near a window, preferably with a comfortable chair, perhaps even one that reclines. I propose to sit at that desk from approximately 9 AM to 5 PM, Monday through Thursday (I always take Fridays off for personal time), and gaze thoughtfully out the window as my mind wanders untethered to any one particular task. I take approximately 45 minutes for lunch, and I prefer to be left undisturbed during my working hours. However, often at the end of the day I grow more gregarious and can often be provoked into imparting some of the keen insights and clever theories that have sprung forth from the fertile loam of my grey matter during the previous 8 hours. These bits and pieces of mental flotsam may often have grave relevance to the success of your business, and I will freely expound upon them, provided you do not expect me to do anything beyond that. Salary requirements are available upon request.
expert daydreamer for hire
Posted by sean on December 2, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/12/02/expert-daydreamer-for-hire/
from the bottom of the roiling pond
As I mentioned a couple of posts ago, the previous name of this blog had nothing to do with the content. It was just a nod to a type of wordplay that I enjoy. I think that many disappointed web searchers arrived at the site as a result. The new name is actually an old one, the title of an essay I wrote many years ago. It’s about a common thing that happens between people: you bond through shared experience, but as the vaporous passion and overstimulation of youth burn away over the slow dull coals of maturity, you perceive the true tenuous nature of that bond. Either what we need from other people changes as we grow older, or it just takes us awhile to figure out what we needed in the first place. Then again, with human beings it is rarely a matter of one option or another. Sometimes other people simply stop giving us what we need, either consciously or unconsciously. Or we tire of seeking it out from them, realizing we’d sooner squeeze blood from a stone. I suppose that, in the end, it’s usually a blurry blend of all of the above. Often when I look around and try to figure out what’s going on in the world, it’s like I’m peering through a jar of cloudy pond water. I see signs of life and movement, but what it all points toward is beyond me.
Posted by sean on November 30, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/11/30/from-the-bottom-of-the-roiling-pond/
sparrow dreams
Yesterday I decided to go birding this morning at Irvine Nature Center, because there had been reports of Red-headed Woodpeckers seen and heard there recently. I’ve only seen one once before, and it was only a brief glimpse. Then last night I dreamt that I saw a Fox Sparrow while out birding. The Fox Sparrow is my favorite of the “winter” sparrows in this area, and I hadn’t yet seen one this year. So today I was hoping that even if I didn’t see a Red-headed Woodpecker, I would at least get a Fox Sparrow as a consolation prize. Well, I did! I found one scratching around up along a ridge. I also kept hearing a Brown Creeper (another favorite) calling shortly afterward, but never could locate it. There were plenty of other woodpeckers about, and many Dark-eyed Juncos. I ran into some other birders who were also out looking for the Red-headed Woodpeckers. We exchanged birding pleasantries, and then I headed back to the parking lot, not completely satisfied, but satisfied enough.
Posted by sean on November 28, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/11/28/sparrow-dreams/
rethreading the needle
I decided it was time for a change around here. Not just the colors, but the name itself! A misnomer I’ve been itching to fix. The name never reflected the content, so I vowed to one day rectify that duplicity. Now that day has come! Unfortunately, the few of you who read this thing will now encounter a broken link. Hopefully we’ll reconnect at some point.
I’m trying to rediscover my writing voice. I temporarily lost it along the way somewhere. Or rather, I stopped using it as much and it faltered, got rusty, dried up, whatever. But I feel the words welling up again, surging toward my fingertips. And I’m hoping that as they travel through me their flow will act as a salve to the ugly welts that have sprung up in my psyche.
Posted by sean on November 21, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/11/21/rethreading-the-needle/
darker ends to days
Well, I spent much of the week battling illness. It did enable me to catch up on my reading, while also keeping me away from work, which is always a good thing. I felt incredibly restless at times, in between catnaps and long stretches of reading, causing me to marvel again at how elastic a day can seem when there is no set agenda. Time off to myself leads to reflection, of course. I’ve neglected this blog, my attempts at musical expression, and inevitably a few other things (keeping in touch with people comes to mind). I could make excuses, but they’ve exhausted their validity by now. I have a house now and that is incredibly awesome. However, I’m deeper in the city and I miss my feathered friends at the window feeder. The overwhelming majority of feeder birds in my backyard now are House Sparrows and Mourning Doves, with only occasional chickadees and cardinals. The age-old seesaw continues to teeter and totter: city versus country, socialite versus hermit. My mind expands but I’m still really just going nowhere. In short, not a whole lot has changed. There’s a strange sort of comfort in that. Maybe it’s getting older and becoming more comfortable in my own skin. It’s like I feel less inclined to explain myself; my funny ways are just part of who I am. And I’m okay with that.
Posted by sean on November 6, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/11/06/darker-ends-to-days/
fall into music
Some autumnal musical selections of late:
The Mercury Program
The Dismemberment Plan
Six Organs of Admittance
Joy Division (of course)
The Cure (of course)
Red Sparowes
Built to Spill
Shipping News
Pavement
Out Hud
Codeine
Ida
I heard a song from the new Sonic Youth album and I really liked it. I haven’t bought one of their albums in a long time, but I think I will get this one.
Not much to say these days, just living, living, trying not to brood too much. Fall migration is winding down and I’m starting to think about projects for the winter. Lots of possibilities rattling around up there: planning for spring planting, sorting out the zine collection and shipping it off for donation somewhere, going through old recordings and getting this music collaboration with JF off the ground, finishing the painting projects, writing, writing, writing…yep, plenty to do.
Posted by sean on October 13, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/10/13/fall-into-music/
acute
Autumn advances with staggered steps. Windbreaker for the morning ride. Skies of grey with a sly nip to the air. First bite into a crisp apple, newly arrived at the farmer’s market. And that old familiar unnamed feeling, a sense of urgency juxtaposed with futility. Last Friday, I listened to an episode of Radio Lab while returning from a four and a half hour bird walk with some nice folks from the Baltimore Bird Club. One of the stories was about Cotard’s Syndrome, a major symptom of which is a very deep sense that you’re not completely here, that you might not really exist. I briefly wondered if I had a touch of Cotard’s Syndrome…certainly there have been times in the past that I’ve felt that way. These days my existence feels more grounded, but there are always those few moments here and there when I question reality and my presence within it.
Meanwhile I’ve succeeded in luring the birds, and not just the thieving squirrels, to my postage stamp yard. The chatter of chickadees fills my insides with warm golden light. How I’ve missed that sound in my everyday life.
Yup, I reckon it’s time to join the gym again.
Posted by sean on September 29, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/09/29/acute/
primeval
Em El and I took some much-needed vacation time last week. Part of our journey included a return trip (for me) to one of my favorite places in the South: the Congaree National Park. This park protects the largest remaining tract of old-growth bottomland hardwood forest on the continent. The average canopy height of the trees is over 100 feet, with many trees well over 150 feet high, including the National Champion Loblolly Pine, which tops out at 167 feet high and almost 15 feet around. Here I am below in front of one of the Congaree’s mighty giants. To put things in perspective a bit, I am about 6 feet 2 inches tall.
On this day, we spent about 6 hours exploring the swamp and it held many wonders for us. Migrating warblers and vireos flitted through the park, often coming quite close, and we frequently heard the wild cry of the Pileated Woodpecker, a bird that is in my mind the perfect ambassador to a place like the Congaree. During our sojourn, we were also lucky enough to spot two Barred Owls. Perhaps the biggest surprise, though, was the small herd of wild boars we startled (the startling was mutual, believe me) as we hiked through one of the more remote areas of the park.
Between the massive trees, the clumps of Spanish moss hanging everywhere, and the overwhelming primal feel of the place, I felt like we’d traveled back in time, and I couldn’t help wondering what it must’ve been like before our ancestors tore through here like a pack of Tasmanian devils, chopping down trees and draining swamps like there was an endless supply of both.
All I can say is I am so glad that the National Park Service exists. It is arguable that it was too little too late, and that in the grand scheme of things, the NPS protects a mere shred of the natural beauty that once adorned this country. But if it weren’t for places like the Congaree, it would be so much harder to drive through the South today and see how suburban sprawl eats up more and more land. I think of my trip to the Congaree like a pilgrimage. I return to the city renewed inside, for a little while at least.
Posted by sean on September 23, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/09/23/primeval/
still here
I am still alive. Hard to believe it’s been almost a month since last post. But in that time I have been consumed with the home buying process, moving, and all the associated time-sucking activities. I figure it will be a few more weeks before I am back to semi-regular ruminations. Hope you all are well.
Posted by sean on August 2, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/08/02/still-here/
corroded contact points
Sometimes we disappoint ourselves, in either the short or the long term. Sometimes both. Not much has left my head lately and traveled to the page. Other life things have taken precedence. Which is fine, but I’m getting anxious for them to be resolved. As refuge, I’ve taken to the woods when spare time presents itself. Many of the birds have finished breeding already, and fledglings are out and about: rambunctious teenage woodpeckers, even tinier than usual chickadees, not-as-wary young catbirds. A couple of weeks ago I saw a female Wood Duck with 12 fuzzy little ducklings following her en masse. At the same time and place, I saw two adult Bald Eagles. These birds are truly majestic, so much so that perhaps our country doesn’t always live up to the pure ideals that they have come to represent.
Meanwhile, change looms ahead and I suppose when the transition completes, I will remain the same. But perhaps not. Certainly the opportunity to learn new things will follow. Certainly the chance to reorder and rearrange my life will dangle in front of me once again. And armed with a little steel wool, I can clean the corrosion off of these contact points in my head. Perhaps then the clarity I seek will reach its target.
Posted by sean on July 6, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/07/06/corroded-contact-points/
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