I cut my hair the other day in a futile gesture of defiance. I had shaved my head for years, maybe a decade or so, before growing it out again about five years ago in a laughable effort to make myself more presentable at job interviews. For a while I enjoyed the duplicitousness of blending into society with a barbershop haircut. However, I disliked the process of my hair growing out, often into a style teetering between homeless chic and deranged, and then the eventual grudging return to the barbershop, where I would have to again endure the inevitable vacuous questions and stale banter. [I swear if that guy had told me one more time that his sister was also a librarian, I would’ve lost it]. In more recent times, I had prevailed upon Em Ell to trim my unruly locks, which she patiently did with admirable skill and steady hands. Each time, though, I declared that the next time I was going to raise the clippers once again and return to my old self. Well, this time I did. On Friday I reached my breaking point. Pacing the house for hours in a heat-crazed mania, I finally cracked. I yanked the clippers from the closet and in a few short minutes the deed was done. What significance, if any, this has on my present and future life remains to be seen. But I do feel a few degrees better (and cooler).
my ideals involve observing sleeping raccoons
One day in Maine, I walked to the edge of the bluff upon which sat the house where we were staying. Straight ahead was the sea. Also straight ahead and slightly to the left was a tall tree about 30 feet away or so. Just below my eye level was a hole in that tree. And in that hole a raccoon was sleeping. After discovering this, I took it upon myself to check on this raccoon every chance I got. Sometimes all I saw was a patch of fur in the hole. Another time I spotted the raccoon about to enter the hole. It paused, looking out at me with a guilty expression, as if it had been caught red-handed. I gradually realized that it was not going to crawl into its hole with me staring at it, and so I discreetly moved away. The final time I saw that raccoon, it was lying on its back in the hole, its head sticking out and tossed back like that of an old man dozing in an overstuffed armchair. Its mouth slightly agape, I could almost hear it softly snoring from where I stood. Not a bad life, I thought.
It’s forever a balance, the hours we stare at pixelated images and the hours we don’t. I’m always on the run from this monitor, even as I sit in front of it. And I guess this song keeps meaning different things to me, since this is the second time it’s come up here.
I can’t be held responsible for the things I say
For I am just a vessel in vain
And I can’t be held responsible for the things I see
For I am just a vessel in vain
No boat out on no ocean
No name there on no hull
And it’s not a strain at all to remember
Those that I’ve left behind
They’re all standing right here beside me now
And most of them with a smile
My ideals have got me on the run
Towards my connection with everyone
My ideals have got me on the run
It’s my connection with everyone
Such free reign
For a vessel in vain
Posted by sean on July 7, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/07/07/my-ideals-involve-observing-sleeping-raccoons/
maine
On the outskirts of town, we stop at a used bookstore & antique shop. I pick up a reissue of Black Sun and Em Ell finds me an old Western shirt with snaps down the front. Twenty minutes later as we pull into our place for the week, I hear the first hermit thrushes. That night I crack open the book and read Abbey’s words in the first paragraph: “He hears the flutelike song, cool as silver, of a hermit thrush.” Fiction mirrors life, every single time. If it’s good and true, that is.
Maine’s natural beauty, both rugged and fine, bowled me over. I came as a pilgrim, seeking solace from the noisy, angry city streets, and I left a zealot, prepared to spread the gospel. Maybe better to keep it to myself, I thought later, though, don’t want to spoil a good thing anymore than it’s already been spoiled, which is surprisingly very little, as evidenced by views such as this:
We explored by boat, by foot, by bike, by kayak, and again by foot. I saw and/or heard 62 species of birds (several of them were lifers), a little lower than my expectations, but considering I did very little dedicated birding, not bad by a long shot. We climbed in the mountains, topping out somewhere around 1160 feet. We kayaked with the loons and listened to their haunting song. This particular loon seemed unimpressed with us:
The one day I went out by myself specifically to go birding was cool and rainy. I woke at 6 AM to the sound of steady rain and almost decided not to go. I lay back down in bed, but I just kept thinking about how I am only in this place for one more day. So I went. At my first stop, deep in the park on the western side of the island, I found myself surrounded by ravens scronking their unearthly calls in the trees. I’d hear sounds like churning helicopter blades, and look up to see another raven flapping its wings, off to unknown places. I then found myself slightly off-track due to a confusing turn in the trail. So I returned to the car and drove on twisting gravel roads to the place I was looking for. I’d planned out this excursion using a birding guide to Mount Desert Island. This first place ended up a bust, though. There I was deep in the forest, and all I could find was a robin and some mourning doves. I can find those birds in my backyard any day of the week! But they don’t get to see this:
A curious thing about birding that you learn early on is that the most beautiful isolated places in the world are not necessarily the birdiest places. In fact, they are often not very birdy at all. Birders often find themselves hanging around water treatment plants, landfills, parking lots, and disgusting ponds behind shopping centers. Birds don’t care what a place looks like, per se, as song as their needs are met. On this particular day in Maine, I was experiencing this phenomenon. It’s hard to be upset at a lack of birds, though, when there is so much else to look at, such as this White Admiral butterfly.
I left the forest and headed to the western coast, where I hiked in to some land preserved by the Nature Conservancy. This was a tract of towering white cedars, red spruce, and balsam firs that were untouched by the great fire of 1947. The trail, gnarled with massive tree roots, wound a circuitous route to the beach. When it opened up out of the forest, I found singing warblers, most very high in the trees. Busy woodpeckers worked the lower trunks. A winter wren trilled its bubbling song. I only lingered for a little while, though, as I’d already been out for several hours.
Later that day we explored the Wonderland and Ship Harbor trails in the southwestern section of the park. It was quite birdy there, and we saw a bald eagle land off-shore on some exposed rocks where a group of gulls was roosting. The gulls were none too pleased with the eagle and started dive-bombing it. I forgot the camera in the car during these hikes so I don’t have any visuals. But here is where we hiked to the very next morning:
After climbing mountains that last day, we returned to home base. I needed to reflect and absorb, as I felt the end of this time nearing and my state of mind already shifting. Near our place, at the bottom of a long cascading series of wooden steps lies a rocky beach. I go there, close my eyes and hear the tide wash in and recede. I open my eyes and see that large smooth stone on the beach as my soul, washed as it has been by the saltwater tonic of this place. I want to distill the salt-laced air, the fragrant pine boughs, the views of aching beauty, the hermit thrush’s song–take it all and fill a tiny bottle to carry with me and open to breathe in as needed. But the grains of my recollections will instead likely drift away over time in the stale winds of the day-to-day. Perhaps, though, if I concentrate hard enough, I can keep some of the uniqueness of what I saw cloistered deep within my mind, where nothing from the outside can ever destroy it.
Posted by sean on July 3, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/07/03/maine/
the city boils as we try to sleep
I was away for a while but now I’m back. I hope to provide a full report and some photos by the end of the week. Stay tuned…
Posted by sean on June 22, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/06/22/the-city-boils-as-we-try-to-sleep/
institutionalized
Due to cat needing vet visits, I spent two days working from home, driving Em El down south for work and picking her up in the evening. I haven’t commuted by car in years, so it was quite a shock to my system. Blood pressure rises, teeth gritted, eyes glaze over as you follow the same route over and over. I’m used to seeing the stupid things drivers pull as I ride my bike, but it’s totally different when you’re driving. It actually bothers me more, probably because I’m already extremely agitated just from the mere fact of being behind the wheel. Anyway, it got me thinking about people who commute the same route for years on end. Every day, a vacant thousand-yard stare fixed on the traffic lights ahead. The rote of it all would kill me in a matter of months.
So after the storms pass, and the dishes are drying in the rack, I step out into the cool air. That old cottonwood out back sings its timeless song with nothing more than leaves in the wind and I am so thirsty to hear it. I want to go to sleep listening to nothing but that. It takes me back to, of all places, Lucy Park and the hidden trails I found that one day, winding alongside the chocolate brown river. After a deep and full night of cottonwood sleep I want to wake up to the high fluted serenades of the thrushes. I want to turn my head to the window and breathe in the meadow breeze as it fills the room. I am so hungry for what feeds me. So desperate in this urban confusion. I keep fitting one leghold trap after another onto these withered limbs.
I can’t stop hearing Bill Callahan sing, “My ideals have got me on the run…towards my connection with everyone. My ideals have got me on the run…it’s my connection to everyone.”
I don’t even know anymore what my ideals are, if I even ever had a clear idea. I’m so shifty and drifty, I’m barely able to pin myself down most days. And I’m certainly not running anymore. Treading murky water, perhaps. As for my connections, they are few and far between. Far in miles and farther yet in states of mind.
I don’t want to become institutionalized. I really don’t. I know that much. Maybe that’s an ideal? It’s something I’ll keep fighting against as long as I have the strength, even if it’s with my last few ounces.
Posted by sean on June 4, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/06/04/institutionalized/
the sound of drilling gets me down
Today they are repaving the street, thus deeming it unfortunate that this is the first Friday in a long long time that I’ve actually been home all day. Numbered among the factors that kept me at home instead of out romping in the forest and field with the birds were: (1) logistical difficulties, (2) general malaise, and (3) the crash that comes at the end of migration (it’s just knowing that there will be far fewer birds out there, while most of the ones that are there are busy with family duties). Even though I didn’t go out in the field, I did enjoy a bit of home birding. I was happy to see some robins and mockingbirds gulping down wild cherries from both the tree out front and the weeping cherry out back. And this morning a catbird’s constant song made the sounds of road resurfacing much more bearable. Even a house finch stopped by to sit on the power line and sing his cheerful song, as a couple of goldfinches flew by in the background (haven’t seen many of them in the neighborhood this spring).
In general, though, I found that I did not enjoy being home all day. I was restless and agitated, and while I did complete a few tasks I had wanted to, for the most part I languished unproductively. I did not write the reviews I planned on writing (that are due in just over a week). I tried but couldn’t bring myself to critique other people’s work, especially when I have absolutely nothing to show of my own, so really, what right do I have to criticize others when they are at least making an effort? But whatever…it’s really neither here nor there what I did with my day.
As promised here are a few photos from last week, the first two of which are from Soldier’s Delight Natural Environmental Area.
One of the blue-eyed grasses from Iridaceae, the Iris Family (I did not have my wildflower field guide with me, and the photo doesn’t allow for definitive identification of all the necessary field marks, but I think it’s either Sisyrinchium angustifolium or atlanticum).
Eastern fence lizard (Sceloporus undulatus):
Finally, from the garden…
Posted by sean on May 28, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/05/28/the-sound-of-drilling-gets-me-down/
being yourself?
Ralph Waldo Emerson said that being yourself in a world that’s constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment. It sounds like a hokey kind of quote that’s been overused to the point of meaningless…the sort of thing you might hear during a high school graduation speech. But it holds a sharp and poignant truth that many refuse to confront. Last night I sat on the deck and watched the clouds drift into each other. Swifts chittered as they hawked insects above me, intersecting each others’ flight paths in and out of my field of vision. The air felt clean from rain and the sky showed off its blue behind clouds stained by the setting sun. It was true beauty, despite the power lines, the roof lines, all the straight and narrowness that makes me restless. I try to be myself as much as I can, and doing that has mostly made me feel eccentric and alienated. But I’m okay with that.
I have a couple of photos to share from my wandering, but my camera’s battery is dead at the moment. Migration is slowing, almost halted…I only saw a few migrants last time I went out. Now I plan to focus on finding and getting better looks at some of the local breeders, particularly some of the skulking warblers like Kentucky, Yellow-breasted Chat, and Worm-eating. I’m pretty sure I glimpsed a Kentucky at Soldier’s Delight the other day, but he wasn’t singing and popped down out of view and refused to show himself again. At SWAP, I heard a chat sing just a few notes before clamming up. I’ll be back to seek him out again. As much as I love migration, it’s very hectic and for someone still learning all the songs, it can be overwhelming. I’ll appreciate some quieter time where I can hone my ear birding skills and hopefully still see a few new birds while I’m at it.
Posted by sean on May 24, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/05/24/being-yourself/
gargling truth serum
Never swallow, never swallow, but keep that golden truth serum swirling around in your mouth. That way it can become anything you want. A brilliant answer to a dusty question, a missing piece to a bruised and broken puzzle, a misplaced passion found again. Passed by the stairs at the top of this page again a day or so ago. Stairs to the future…stairs to wildness…stairs out of this purgatory. Traveling through the woods with my avian friends…walking the Mason-Dixon trail…coulda kept walking and walking and never stopped. There was no real reason to stop. The birds just kept singing and they just kept moving, and I just kept moving with them, ticking them off as I went. The water was there, too. And the sky. And the trees. The ground below my feet felt good. Everything felt good and right and I felt alive. I felt so good, high on the experience of being where I was and nowhere else at that moment. Something extraordinary seeking to burst out from inside…seeds laid to rest on bare soil and rising toward the warm sun. Rich feeling pervades for mere moments, gulp enough to sustain another few days, few weeks, few months. Don’t wanna be the second-guesser anymore…don’t want to renege, reinterpret, revisit, re- anything. Just clearing the path, one heavy stone at a time….all we can do, all we know to do.
Posted by sean on May 17, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/05/17/gargling-truth-serum/
going to shows?
I have this thing about going to shows now. I see that a band I like is coming to town and I get excited. But then the night of the show draws closer and my enthusiasm wanes. Maybe it’s that I heard their latest stuff and it lacks an edge it used to have. Maybe I try too hard to picture myself there, and fail miserably. Or maybe it’s simply that I’ve been burned too many times before and don’t want to waste my time and money again. Leatherface was playing tonight. I found my favorite album of theirs available for download today and bought it. I’ve been looking for this album for years. It’s typically only been found as an expensive import or listed on eBay for a ridiculous sum. While I waited for the songs to download I listened to snippets of songs from the brand new Leatherface album, the one they’re touring in support of now. It lacked a spark. The roughness I loved before sounded too polished. It wasn’t bad, but I wasn’t bowled over, either. Don’t get me wrong. I have much respect for Frankie Stubbs. He’s a punk icon who rarely got his due. He’s smart and hard-working, and DIY to the teeth. His lyrics and music consistently ring true in a genre choked with cookie-cutter copies and commodified horrors. Leatherface is still putting out good music, but maybe it’s just not for me anymore. I fully admit to being a flighty fair weather fan of many bands. Maybe that’s why I fall in love with bands that put out few albums, and play even fewer shows. I still remember a few years ago seeing Wilderness play at Floristree. That show was transcendental. It was one of those shows where you feel your soul leave your body and float around near the ceiling. I don’t often feel that way during shows anymore, nor did I even really ever feel that way. Mostly in the past it was drunken flailing around…a primal reaction. Visceral, yes, but different from that floating at the ceiling feeling. Live music is special; I won’t deny that. But these days, it often seems less important to me. I know I can get what I need just by sitting in my room with headphones. I don’t have to navigate the outside world, with its coarse unpredictability. It’s more personal listening by myself, with no distractions, and as such, takes on that much more meaning.
Posted by sean on May 14, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/05/14/going-to-shows/
it’s not our fault
Commentary on the oil spill from former EPA agent Scott West, now director of investigations for Sea Shepherd Conservation Society.
Of course it’s not their fault; it’s never their fault. They represent the same blameless old, bald, white men that are never at fault for any epic failures at corporate responsibility throughout history.
Urge to seclude myself in the woods risiNG…riSING…RISING!
Posted by sean on May 12, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/05/12/its-not-our-fault/











