to the man who shouts into the storm drains of downtown

We have failed you. It’s difficult to gauge in how many and in what specific ways we have failed you, and at what exact points of your life this failure manifested itself, but we have indeed failed you. The other night I watched as a Downtown Partnership pseudo-cop insisted you cease and desist your storm drain shouting. You grew aggravated and moved away from her, only to lie down once again on the opposite side of the street and bellow with urgency into yet another storm drain. I sighed and threw my leg over the handlebars for the thousandth time, to ride home through moving blocks of steel traveling at light speed. Reflexes on autopilot, I dodged and parried on two wheels, my lungs sucking down exhaust, my eyes fixed ahead, my mind a tundra of thought.

Apparently my role is not to shout down the storm drains, despite sometimes feeling only a fraction of a moment away from hurling myself prostrate on the pavement, pressing my face close to the cold steel, and screaming into the gaps between those bars, sending all my rage and frustration into an inky oblivion. But is it wrong to covet this role? My own role has been elusive from the start. Inside I am nebulous, my drive and ambition porous like cheesecloth. Raw passion flows through, never anchoring in the tangible, leaving only chalky residue in its fast-moving wake.

I should be helping people like this man. But what is a better life for him? I do not even know. Would he thrive wrapped in the comfort of stagnant normalcy? Where would come the former release of storm drain shouting? How do you change a lifetime of fringe living and what are the consequences? Are we all meant to be doing the things we are doing, living the lives we are living, or are some of us moving by default? The answers, like my role, are elusive.

no outlaws, no frontiers: distilled dreams of ruddy ducks and stolen laptops

Outlets outlawed now left to hold the plug. Outlaws stripped of outlets now seeking power strips. Strip the sheathing, splice the wires: false positives abound, red lights across the board. Unplug, recede, fade to weathered wood. Where to get it when it’s gone, the juice, the power draw, to make every day a tinderbox. The ones who screamed and strummed to counter black water in their boots, rising to their necklines: they are now gone by their own hands. Even plugged in they couldn’t hack the mainframe for a pure and steady flow. Outside these walls, beyond the concrete circuit, maybe it’s there and maybe not: a circuit board of our own making. But what we know is here brings false power, interrupted flow: devices to distract, minds splayed across these screens, ground into lettered, numbered squares. I’m between out there and in here, taking ragged breaths, one foot in shadow soup, one hand tracing rote designs. I stare across the pond, power-stripped and faded, wondering about that duck.

february coming spring*

*nod to Samhain

The daffodils are rising as the robins trickle back into the city. Last week I heard a male cardinal testing out his pipes, gearing up for courtship rites. And today, as I rolled my bike out the basement door, a Song Sparrow belted out his bright song from an undisclosed location secreted within the old cottonwood tree.

These signs of spring feel unwarranted. We have not endured enough of winter’s harshness to deserve such rich pleasures so soon. It makes me want to move farther north, where the extreme cold and steady snow sweeten the coming warmth of spring’s new life.

As the temperature wavers, still my mind wanders, far from here, never where it’s paid to be. This dreamer role, this aqueous nature, it is equal parts curse and blessing. It becomes harder every day to reel myself back in to accomplish the tasks at hand. Perhaps one day I will unravel all the way, cut loose to float wherever the wind will take me. But for now routines strangle me, each of them a single lead weight in my pocket, rooting me to this unfamiliar patch of land I struggle to call home.

To John Haines

A chickadee calls
outside my window
from the bare winter branches
of the crape myrtle.

Inside, your poems speak
to what already
I suspect.

Words sown through a lifetime,
telling us not to leave,
once what is needed
has been found.

The answers in each poem:
the wind, the seasons,
a hard and simple life.

observing a person

Reviewing web analytics can be fun. One recent visitor to my site arrived there via a search for “observing a person.” I tried replicating this search in a few search engines and did not come upon my site, but perhaps this searcher traveled much deeper into the results than I did. Regardless, it made me think about how we humans observe each other. And whether some of us do at all. I was recently talking to a friend who said her OCD tendencies allow her to immediately notice changes in her environment. This extends to people, too, of course. New haircuts are duly noted, as are unusual clothing items. I, too, closely observe the people around me, although depending on my relationship to them, I may not comment on any changes in their appearance. Awkward situations for me arise when I recognize someone but I can’t tell if they recognize me. Do I comment on this? Do I say I believe we’ve met? Or, I’ve noticed you standing outside my building in the early afternoon every day for the past 5 years? It really depends on the situation. The most awkward situations are when I’m positive that I’ve had interactions with a person and yet the person shows no indication of recognition toward me. Is it possible this person really doesn’t recognize or remember me? It boggles my mind but I suppose it can be true. What also confuses me is when there is no sign of recognition until you bring up a previous encounter. And then the person is like, “Oh, yeah, you’re so-and-so. I remember.” Is the person lying? Or just didn’t want to acknowledge me until I initiated it? I don’t get it. I guess I am just a bit obsessed with what is going on in other people’s brains. Are they observing other people as closely as I am, but just not mentioning it? Are they completely clueless and walking around in a total fog? What do you notice first about a person? Does it depend on whether it’s a man or a woman? What warrants a comment, and in what circumstances? Am I just crazy for thinking about stuff like this? Please advise.

shadow forecaster

The wind rises and scatters my attention span. How to greet a late January day warmed to the low 60s on the Fahrenheit scale? I feel a twinge of guilt enjoying it, knowing how unnatural it is and wondering much of this is our fault. Birds are migrating sooner, only to find food not yet abundant in their summer haunts. Southern insects are expanding their ranges northward. [Gardeners, take note!] Mother Nature’s long-established cues are failing her denizens. Are these little and not-so-little signs of impending ecological collapse? Perhaps. It would make sense. And surely we deserve it. Too long have we moved at the speed of profit, with blinders plastered to our fat heads. Our slavering consumerist jaws know no bounds. We think with our wallets, and we don’t remember any other way. We forgot how to mend and learned instead how to slide cards through readers. The problem is colossal in scale. The solutions too little, too late. So maybe all we can do now is pull up some chairs and wait for the end of this chapter of life on our planet. Bleak, perhaps, but it could just be my shadow speaking out again. Some days I let it do all my talking for me, and I just sit back and stare at the clouds.

recycling with the mayans

Straighten your papers, the ones you never look at. Never touch a paper twice, that’s what they say. Avoid information overload! Never touch a paper twice. Look at it and file it or throw it out. Don’t straighten your papers then, see if I care. Log in. Er, try to log in. Oops, forgot your password. How many are in your head. How many are the same. You fool! Don’t use the same one twice! You must use a combination of four numbers, three symbols, and no less than six letters. We will not accept anything less. Also we’ll need you to change it again as soon as you begin to remember it. Forget it the first time you try to log in. Request new password. Make up new one, but not the same as your email password. And don’t use your pet’s name. Your neighbor might hear you calling him outside and hack into your account. Throw a few papers out to make yourself feel better. It’s okay, I know you touched them already. Just throw them out so you won’t touch them again. There, isn’t that better? Now go outside and breathe in some car fumes. It might be better than recycled office air but honestly science hasn’t bothered to find out. No corporate funding would touch that kind of study. So it’s still up in the air. [Don’t laugh at that!] Walk around and pretend you’re not an insignificant speck, not just another cog in the machine (you are, even though you purport not to be by affecting a continuous broadcast of apathy and cynicism to the world, and to yourself– the worst and most damaging lies are always to yourself. We learn this over time.). Return to the office. Pick up another stack of paper from your mailbox. Leave it on your desk for weeks to gather the appropriate office patina. Then recycle it. Or think you’re recycling it. Everyone knows the cleaning staff just throws it all in the trash anyway. It’s common knowledge. It doesn’t matter. Recycling can’t save us, Derrick Jensen says. Only complete destruction of civilization will save us. Would you prefer that? Read The Road by Cormac McCarthy and check back with me. I’ll make tea and we can pontificate. Then we’ll pack our emergency preparedness kits. Leave work behind now. Go home and attend to the needs there, the ones behind the scenes of everyone’s public life. Nourish your body. Attempt to nourish your mind but mostly just numb it and then maybe squeeze in a little bit of nourishment before sleep. If you’re lucky when you’re out late walking you’ll look up and see Venus glowing above the rooftops. Or maybe a full moon. If you’re lucky a breeze will rustle the cottonwood leaves and leave you breathless. But you won’t be lucky tonight because it’s winter and the branches are bare. So go to sleep and dream of spring. Dream about the end of civilization. Dream of anything at all. Like Amy Hempel says, that’s where most of us get what we want.

all weather bike commuting: what gear to get

I haven’t written about bike commuting in a while. Given its growing popularity, particularly in urban areas, I thought I’d share some of my tips on equipment for year-round commuting. Spring and summer bike commuting don’t typically require any special equipment, beyond maybe a light jacket on cool spring days and rain gear if there’s a downpour. While it’s nice that no additional equipment is needed, riding in warm weather is fraught with other difficulties. People often ask me in the winter how I can stand to ride in the cold. I always tell them I would much rather ride in the winter than in the summer. If you dress properly in the winter, you can always be comfortable on your bike. But in the summer, even if you were to ride naked, you’d still arrive at work a hot sweaty mess. There is no way to get around it, although using panniers to stash your gear as opposed to wearing a backpack or shoulder bag does boost the comfort level. Summer riding usually also necessitates a change of clothing at work. You’re forced to ride in shorts and t-shirts, which adds extra time to the start and end of your day, not to mention extra weight to your bag.

After years of bike commuting in all kinds of weather, I can now look at the temperature and precipitation outside and know instantly how to dress. After much trial and error, I’ve narrowed down my equipment to the bare essentials. I’m sharing my list below. Cycling equipment is absurdly overpriced, and unfortunately not all of it is good quality. When possible, non-cycling specific equipment can be used for economic reasons. That said, certain cycling-specific gear is either a real necessity or at the very least an added convenience. Keep in mind that these tips are for cycling in the Mid-Atlantic region of the U.S. (chiefly during cold weather since as noted above warm weather does not require much in the way of additional gear). Also, everyone is different. For example, I know that I need to wear a skull cap that covers my ears in temperatures below 55 or my inner ears will start aching. I also have very little fat on my fingers so my hands are particularly susceptible to the cold. These are the types of things you discover about yourself after long periods of year-round biking.

Note: all temps listed are in Fahrenheit.

Insulated socks– Warm socks are essential. We lose the majority of our body heat through our feet, hands, and head. I typically wear them when temps drop below 40 or so. I’m a vegan so I don’t wear new wool. If you scout around you can find warm non-wool socks. If you don’t have ethical issues with wool, though, you can’t beat it for warmth. Get enough pairs that you can make it through a full week of cold weather commuting without doing laundry.

Bottom base layer– I wear a base layer under my work pants when temps drop below freezing or, if I’m wearing thin dress pants, below 40 degrees. I’ve found that long underwear is not worth skimping on when it comes to quality. Discount outdoor gear outlets like Sierra Trading Post are good places to look. I found some nice lightweight pairs on sale and stocked up. As with socks, make sure you have enough pairs to get through a full week. And don’t put them in the dryer! They may shrink and it will shorten their lifespan.

Top base layer– With winter riding, layering is key. It’s often a lot colder in the morning than in the evening. You want to be able to adapt so you remain comfortable. Underneath my outer jacket, I wear an old Pearl Izumi winter zip-up jersey that ML found cheap in a thrift store. I wear this when temps are below 40. If it’s warmer in the evening I stash it in my bag and just wear my outer jacket. This does not have to be a cycling-specific piece of clothing. Any kind of lightweight and close-fitting insulated top layer should work.

Jacket– I have two jackets that I alternate between for bike commuting (I also have a rain jacket that I use–more on that later). One is a very lightweight cycling windbreaker that zips up into itself and even has a belt you can use to carry it around your waist when out on a long ride. This is probably my favorite piece of gear. It’s so versatile. The sleeves even zip off! In my opinion, it’s worth spending some money to get something like this (Nashbar and Performance are two good places to look for discount and clearance cycling gear; best time to buy is near season-end). I wear this probably 75% of the time I need an outer layer for any outdoor activity, not just cycling. It works on cool spring and autumn days on its own and can be paired with my insulated jersey for colder days.

My other jacket is for the coldest days, typically below 35 or 40. It’s not cycling-specific and was not very expensive. I bought it at an outdoor store. It’s got an attached hood and it both zips and snaps up the front. It zips all the way up and, with the hood, covers my neck with plenty of breathing room. It’s not waterproof and it’s only slightly more insulated than my windbreaker, but it’s a little longer and works really well as an outer layer for winter riding. I also use it for winter hiking, dog walking, etc.

Head coverings– I have two head coverings that I use. One is a lightweight neoprene skull cap that I use three seasons of the year, any time the temps are below 55 (see note above about my ear problems). The other is a fleece balaclava that I use in one of two ways. When it’s below 35 or so, I’ll wear it around my neck to keep my neck warm and have it available to pull up higher over my face if needed. When it gets down into the mid to low 20s I’ll wear it as intended, pulled up over my head in combination with the skull cap. These two items don’t need to be cycling-specific gear, but make sure that they will fit under your helmet before buying.

Gloves– During winter riding, keeping your hands warm is one of the most important considerations, and the hardest to accomplish. Finding the right gloves for cold weather riding took me a very long time. While some people can get by with just wearing regular insulated winter gloves, this is one piece of gear that I always purchase cycling-specific. I currently have two pairs of gloves: one lightweight pair for 3-season riding in temps below 50 or so, and one insulated pair for deep winter cold riding. I’ve had a harder time finding a lightweight pair that I’m happy with. They always seem to fall apart much faster than their price tag should allow for. Last year I bought a new pair and sprung for Giros, thinking they’d be better, and they started falling apart before the year was out. What you’re looking for in this type of glove is adequate padding on the palms, breathable fabric on top, and sufficient wrist coverage. Most have some type of Velcro wrist closure. Examine this closely to see if it’s sewn well; it’s a common spot for gloves to fail. Also, if you have no qualms about using leather products, gloves with leather palms will probably last much longer than the synthetic crap I’m forced to buy.

My deep cold weather gloves are of the “lobster claw” variety. These keep two sets of fingers together on each hand, while the thumb is separate, with the idea being that your body heat will help keep the fingers warm. Since my fingers emit virtually no body heat, these only work for me within a certain temp range. Once it gets down into the upper teens, my fingers are still cold and aching when I get to work. Gloves are a rather personal piece of gear so you have to find what works for you. But if you are like me and your hands get cold easily, don’t skimp on this equipment.

Rain jacket– I bought a relatively inexpensive rain jacket from an outdoor store. It’s not just for cycling; I use it for any occasion where I’m out in the rain. Make sure it is waterproof, not just water resistant. There is a big difference, believe me. Lightweight ones are better for cycling because of the layering theory noted above. Versatility is key. You want to be able to use it in warm rain and cold rain (and sleet and heavy snow). Hoods are optional; mine zips on and off, which I like because the hood tends to block my peripheral vision while riding so I leave it off. By its nature, rain gear is not breathable, so look for a jacket that has vents. These are typically under the arm and zip open so you can at least get some air circulation while riding.

Rain pants– Waterproof pants are essential if you’re going to ride in the rain. Cycling-specific ones are helpful. I think mine were only about $20 from Performance. They have Velcro closures at the cuffs as well as zippers to allow for easy-on, easy-off over your shoes. There are also reflective bands at the cuffs. Like most other outerwear, rain pants should be lightweight, especially since by nature they are not breathable. It’s also easier to fit them in your bag when not needed. I also have a pair of insulated waterproof snowboarding pants that I found dirt cheap at a thrift store. I may have worn these once or twice while riding in the snow but they really aren’t necessary. If you’re wearing a base layer, work pants, and lightweight rain pants, you should be warm enough in most cold precipitation in the Mid-Atlantic region.

Shoes– Shoes are a very personal piece of gear. What type you wear also depends on what types of pedals you ride. I use toe cages on my pedals because I don’t like to mess with changing my shoes at work. I won’t discuss clipless pedals here since I don’t ride them to work, although I will note that there are plenty of cycling-specific shoe covering options for those who ride clipless. If you use cages, make sure whatever shoes you use fit into the cage. They need to be fairly narrow at the toe. I like skate shoes for bike commuting. Every 2-3 years I buy a nice pair of dressier Vans that I can wear at work. They have a hard rubber sole that is perfect for the type of pedals I ride and they are typically narrow in the toe. They are also made really well and hold up for a long time.

For rain and snow, you have a few options. Especially in rain, though, you need to consider how to keep your feet dry. Trust me, it really sucks to have wet feet for most of the day at work. One of my friends bought cheap rubber pull-ons that fit over his shoes and go a little higher to cover the ankle. These are nice because you can just fold them up and they fit nicely in your bag. I have a pair of galoshes that work the same way, except they’re too bulky to transport. I used them a few times for cycling but they don’t fit well enough in my toe cages and in general are too unwieldy for riding. I now mainly use them for shoveling snow and other snow-related activities. I like that they fit over my shoes, so if I’m going to a friend’s house or something I can take them off when I get there and still have regular shoes on. So buying them wasn’t a total loss.

Recently I bought a pair of Palladium boots, which is what the French legionnaires wear. They are ankle-height, lightweight canvas and rubber, and fit well in my toe cages. They’re not 100% waterproof (although Palladium does make leather ones that are); however, the rubber covers the entire toe and up to the start of the laces, which is the area where the majority of the rain hits my feet. They’re also professional enough to wear to work. So now I use these when it rains. As with most of my cycling gear purchases, I made a choice that is both versatile and comfortable; I can also wear these while birding, as well as in casual settings. I’ve missed having a casual pair of boots to wear so I’m really happy with these.

Note: These boots are not sufficient for riding in steady rain but work for intermittent showers, misty conditions, etc. Having canvas uppers, they will soak through in heavier rain, and even quicker if you ride without a full front fender. However, they do dry fast. It’s also a good idea to keep a spare pair or two of socks at work just in case. Even if your shoes get wet, changing into dry socks can make a significant difference in comfort. Another tip: I have found that the fastest way to dry out shoes is to use newspaper. Crumple up as many balls of it as you can fit inside each shoe. The newspaper quickly absorbs the moisture, thus drying out the inside of the shoe. Replacing the newspaper at least once during the process can speed up the drying time. The newspaper can still be recycled as usual. Depending on how paper recycling is collected where you live or work, you may need to flatten it out first and allow to dry before bundling for pick-up.

That’s about it as far as clothing. To recap: dress in layers; make sure your head, feet, and hands are appropriately protected; acquire lightweight waterproof gear for rainy days; and try to purchase versatile gear that you can also wear in other everyday situations.

2014 Update

I recently started riding BMX-style pegged platform pedals for commuting and I love them. I can’t sing their praises enough. This has significantly freed up my choices in footwear, which previously have been limited. Platform pedals became an option for me because after nearly a decade of commuting on a fixed gear bike, I have now switched back to riding geared. Those who ride fixed know that it’s unwise to ride without pedals that keep your feet secure, either through the use of clipless pedals or toe cages. But now that I’m riding geared again, it’s not an issue. It’s still been a very long time since I rode platforms (probably since BMX riding as a kid) and I am giddy with the freedom they give me. These Redline pedals are the ones with replaceable stainless steel pegs, which serve to keep your feet from moving around. They work really well at that.

As I wrote above in the original post, finding shoes to fit in toe cages is always difficult, especially for wet weather riding. Shoes also tend to get chewed up pretty fast, especially when using metal cages. On the other hand, the platform pedals only come in contact with the soles of the shoes, which keep the uppers of the shoes in better shape over a longer period of time. They also allow for use of rubber overshoes or other bulkier waterproof footwear during wet weather riding. I’m stoked about no more struggles to get my boots in and out of the cages. While the Palladiums I mention above did fit in the cages, it was not always a flawless experience to ride in them. Not having to think at all about where to place my shoes makes a big difference in enjoyability of my commute.

I’m now riding a 1986 Schwinn High Sierra mountain bike on my 8-mile round trip commute. I bought it to use as a winter commuter, but I like it so much I may ride it year-round. It’s not exactly light compared to my fixed gear (an old steel Trek road frame), but it’s still surprisingly fast and absorbs the shock of the many road hazards along my ride much better than the Trek did. Plus I can more easily hop curbs when necessary. I’d always heard that these old mountain bikes make excellent commuter bikes, and now I know why.

(Note: This post is consistently the most visited page on my site, which I find amusing considering how infrequently I write about bikes on here. But I also find it very encouraging that so many people are obviously either already commuting year-round or considering it as an option. Keep riding! And feel free to leave comments or questions. I’m always happy to talk bikes.)

hypothesis: mitt romney is a cat

Given that 2% of Americans think Mitt Romney’s first name is Mittens,

And that my childhood cat’s name was Mittens,

And that Mitt Romney’s first name is actually Willard,

And that my neighbor’s cat’s name is Willard,

I conclude that Mitt Romney is a cat.

There are two possible explanations for why he does not resemble a cat during public appearances. Either he is (1) a shape-shifter or (2) a cat in a man suit.

Please do not challenge me on this. I don’t want to hear it. Have a good day now.

now available: new issue of stone highway review

The new issue of Stone Highway Review with two of my poems lurking inside is now ready to order! Print copies are $7.50. There is also a free downloadable PDF of the issue on that same page of the site, but you know you want to feel the actual paper in your hands…

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