to me, it’s not better than the weather

Waning, waxing, waning, waxing: the rush and the push of mood from hour to hour to day to day to week’s end and to the moon. Reading F. K.’s diary night by night…sinking fast in the horror bog of familiarity. A morass of similarities. [Will I also get TB. Where’s my Swiss sanatorium.] Writing, not writing, writhing, writing, not writing, the endless breakers rising and crashing against this battered cranial jetty. The crushing repetition of my own inspiration. Heat’s ebb and flow, the dying summer exhales rank and humid rattle-breaths as it’s painstakingly strangled by the coming fall. An ugly death, for sure. The work not done around here could fill a hundred empty trucks, on standby, prepared to haul off a life’s accumulated evidence of avoidance. I, the weather-crazed architect, survey an empty expanse of years, so carefully orchestrated, so carelessly implemented, and on every day I rested. And on every day I rested. And on every day I…clamp down on the cause of defeat with mighty waxen jaws, summer’s flame licking holes in their false walls. Caving in on itself, everything is. Last night again was epic dreams I failed to describe accurately in my journal. Just weak fluid flowing from my pen, sketching a toothpick framework for what is becoming dangerously close to more exciting than what I describe here. That is, intricate nothingness. That is, blank walls of clear shellac taped off and rollered with exquisite care, attention paid to the most glaring lack of any details…a veritable Sistine Chapel ceiling of nonexistence. So proud I am for the big unveiling. [Sound of emergency exit door slamming shut.]

Now I drink yerba mate out of a wooden gourd. Now I reflect on how cigar-smoking guy had a lady friend with him today. Not a loner for long. They sat in those weird half-chairs that have no legs. Just a seat and a back and nothing else, maybe arms. What will they think of next. Cigar-smoking guy was not smoking a cigar. His bike was there, but his lady friend must have walked. I sat on the other side of the locust trees flipping through some literary journals I’m supposed to review. The air felt drained of moisture. This pleased me. All around, bands of men in monkey suits capered about in the grasping thralls of machismo, no doubt bandying their latest conquests in the spheres of sex and business. Strip off their power suits and we would all laugh. Or would we cheer. Or arrest. Recall the Naked Rambler. Corporate embrace of full nudity: I’d like to see it. Level the playing field. No more power coursing through expensive Italian fabric. I’m nude, you’re nude, let’s close this deal and go get drinks. High fives all around. See you at the bar.

why does this channel play such a peculiar strain of white noise

Your shoulders bend forward to keep out the world. I see it. What is the point. Why do we insist on throwing ourselves out into the fray. Retreat! Climb onto this liferaft I have constructed from a few termite-riddled planks bound together with the discarded hairs from your head. It’s all different but the same. Longing and self-denial: our life’s work, the unrequitable nectar from which we feed, desperate fools that we are. I can’t bear to look.

Today I took Farley to Spiderweb City. I heard a Black-billed Cuckoo, a bird I identify with. Common but secretive? Rumored to predict rain? Maybe not. I came home, ran around inside the house with my paint bucket, sweating, the futility of it all welling up inside, allegro. Mainlining futility, hoping someday for the pure uncut junk that blows your mind.

Later: party time. An invitation not refused. Perhaps the strangest party I have yet attended in a lifetime of suffering strange parties. Now here I sit, a party of one. Freebasing dictionaries and dreaming of foreign scents. The window is open to let in the rare cool night air. The city crickets patch together their ragged symphony. I am restless with the other music, but not drowning out the crickets. The stage is set for insomnia. Cue white noise…aaand, ACTION.

Observer versus participant in the steel cage match of life. Who wins. I wish I knew. Not that it would matter. I can’t change now. I feel like a bad character actor playing myself when I go out in public. The superficial bumbler. Kafka talks about being alone and how it restores himself to himself. How he comes alive when alone. The noise in his head quiets. He says, “Being alone has a power over me that never fails. My interior dissolves […] and is ready to release what lies deeper.” When two people are together in aloneness it is a curious thing. In some ways it is liberating. I think it may be the best we can hope for, but I still can’t see how it ends.

So we are afloat on this rotten raft held together by your hair. And I reach to pull your shoulders back but they no longer move. Like my spine they are stuck out of place. It’s dark now and the sea grows rough. I know the morning will come, but what does that even mean. At what point did the day really end. Some weeks stretch like taffy. Others make Friday the pin on this grenade and you’re stretching your long thin arm to it all week but it’s always out of reach until all of a sudden you’re yanking the pin out and it all blows up in your face. Or it’s a dud. Either way you lose another seven days. The box of grenades is not bottomless.

The rain is falling now, again. Like the cuckoo sang it would. Rain crow, rain crow, sing us a shower. This bird is killed by pesticides; this bird collides with TV towers, with tall buildings that house banks and corporate overlords. Let us all share the blame for killing a bird that sings when it is about to rain. For there are few sounds so soothing as gently falling rain.

the trepanner and the termites

The trepanner known as Stan mopped his brow with a faded bandana. The desert sun, high overhead, rendered all thought impossible. Crouched next to a rare trickling spring, Stan cleaned and sterilized his drill with the kit hanging from his belt. He was from the old school, scoffed at the new electric trepans on the black market. Besides, many of his clients weren’t even on the grid. When attending them, he couldn’t count on a reliable power source, so he relied on his own strength: a right forearm bulging from years of manual drilling. Now, as the metal parts of his drill dried in the arid air, he oiled the wooden handles to a glossy sheen. Satisfied with his work, he re-cased the tool and slung the strap across his chest. He had one more client to visit before calling it a day.

Mariela was a special case. Over the past decade, Stan had trephined her three separate times. The last time her family had tried to take him to court. He crossed the border and went into hiding for a few months, until Mariela herself sent word that her family had withdrawn the lawsuit. He’d resumed his practice only recently, and had yet to visit Mariela. Just this past week, though, she’d called several times, demanding a consultation. Mariela made him wary. Most of his clients were pleased with the initial results of his work and he rarely heard from them again, except for occasional check-ups. But he worried that Mariela had become addicted to the first rush of euphoria that follows a treatment. It was not something he had encountered before.

Today Mariela met him at the door flushed and breathless.

“You’re here!”

“Mariela. Yes, I am here.”

He stepped inside the cool adobe house. Mariela ushered him to the sitting room.

“Would you like a drink?” she asked.

He made a gesture. “Just water, if you please.”

“And how are the termites?” she asked slyly.

Stan chuckled. “They are fine, Mariela.”

“To think…a grown man consorting with such horrible….eeensects,” she said in a low voice.

“Please, let us not rehash this. I know how you feel about them. Now, what is it that you have called me for?”

“Ah, yes. Always so to the point you are,” she replied. “Well, I have been experiencing headaches.”

“And when did they start?” Stan asked. “Are they mild, severe…do they last long?”

Mariela sighed. “It’s been months. Sometimes they are mild, only lasting a few minutes…other times for hours, leaving me confined to bed.”

“Any other symptoms?”

“I have not been myself, Stan. The good feelings…they are gone.”

Stan rubbed his salt-and-pepper beard. He’d heard this before. After the first trepanation. And the second.

“Mariela. I think you are expecting too much. This procedure…it’s not meant to cure what ails you.”

Mariela glared at him. “And what is that, Stan?”

Stan took a sip of water and cleared his throat. “Well, I am not a psychiatrist, of course. But I believe you are profoundly depressed, Mariela.”

“But I thought the procedure is supposed to prevent that?”

“It cannot cure a pre-existing condition, my dear. That is not what it is intended for.”

“Why, I believe you have been less than straightforward with me then, Stan. Why did you not tell me this before? I could have saved myself a lot of trouble, not to mention money.”

Stan sighed. He had told Mariela all of this before. Each time she had come to him seeking treatment he had patiently explained to her the procedure’s limitations. But she had insisted on proceeding. She even made vague insinuations bordering on threats. He had almost been thankful when the lawsuit presented itself. It seemed to him a chance to sever this problematic relationship. And yet here he was again in conference with her. He decided to sidestep the larger issue at hand for now.

“If you would permit me to examine you, Mariela? The headaches may be the result of some swelling at one of the sites.”

She consented to his expert touch. His fingers passed lightly over her scalp, seeking the healed indentations. He found all three, holding his pen light close to the skin. As he suspected the sites all appeared well-healed and healthy. Mariela’s headaches were likely either psychosomatic or possibly even related to some other condition. Here was a delicate situation that he felt an urgent growing need to extricate himself from.

“Everything looks good, Mariela. I see no reason for your headaches to be related to the treatments I have administered.”

She pouted. “What about another treatment, Stan? Maybe there is some pressure built up inside, something you cannot see?”

He shook his head. “It’s not possible. The procedure is very exact. Not once have I had a patient experience swelling of the brain. I take great care in that respect.”

He was growing agitated. This woman, she…how do you say? Pressed his buttons? Never in his long career had he encountered such a troubling patient.

Mariela now slumped in her chair, eyes glassed over.

“I am sorry, Mariela, but I must leave. It is growing late and you know how far I yet have to travel.”

Light flickered in her eyes. “Oh yes, your termite friends. Of course. Please give them my reegards,” she sneered.

Stan rose and strode to the door. “Goodbye, Mariela,” he called. There was no answer.

He stepped out into the cool early dusk. Shreds of pink and purple cotton clouds latticed the open sky, tinged with gold by the sun’s waning light. He followed a faint narrow path out into the desert. By the time he reached the termitarium it was almost dark. The termites, overjoyed at his return, milled around his feet in the sand, chattering about the work they’d completed that day. With his last bit of strength, he knelt down and climbed inside the mound. There the termites clustered around him, eager to hear his own tales of excavation.

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