All posts for the month March, 2009

the fog that turns people inside out

As I sit here staring out at the foggy woods, interrupted only by my compulsions to chase away the squirrels leaping from the house onto the bird feeder, I once again contemplate my general feelings of dissatisfaction. Yesterday, walking home from the park in the cool drizzle, I paused on the bridge over the interstate. I look down at this abomination: two strips of hot pavement running north and south, hardened abscesses cut into the Earth, supporting two-ton blocks of steel racing here and there, the blocks full of people (of all things!) going everywhere and nowhere all at once. I suppress the bile rising from my gut and walk on. I pass by the stream and stare at the trash floating in the water, the grotesquely shredded plastic bags hanging in the trees. I curse my sensitivity, my thin skin like a gossamer membrane through which I have no control over what passes in or out. But by turning away from the ugliness, by trying to dull the extremes and desperately seek out a middle ground (the Middle Way!), I only make myself sicker. The only times I come close to traveling on the middle path are while running or riding my bicycle for long distances. In motion, my mind stands still. When my body rests, my mind races without end. But I cannot stay in constant motion, so I continue in my struggle to find the right state of mind.

“Develop a state of mind like the earth, Rahula. For on the earth people throw clean and unclean things, dung and urine, spittle, pus, blood, and the earth is not troubled or repelled or disgusted. And as you grow like the earth no contacts with pleasant or unpleasant will lay hold of your mind or stick to it.

Similarly you should develop a state of mind like water, for people throw all manner of clean and unclean things into water and it is not troubled or repelled or disgusted. And similarly with fire, which burns all things, clean and unclean, and with air, which blows upon them all, and with space, which is nowhere established.

Develop the state of mind of friendliness, Rahula, for, as you do so, ill-will will grow less; and of compassion, for thus vexation will grow less; and of joy, for thus aversion will grow less; and of equanimity, for thus repugnance will grow less.”

~from the Majjhima Nikaya, translated by A.L. Basham

3 Comments

by sean on March 29, 2009 • Permalink

Posted in cycling, dissatisfaction, middle way, running, Uncategorized

Posted by sean on March 29, 2009

https://sd-stewart.com/2009/03/29/the-fog-that-turns-people-inside-out/

in my head

in the woods

Warmer weather lured me and Em Ell up the winding roads to Prettyboy. We hiked around and stalked the birds. We sat then in the soft brown grass under the still bare spreading boughs of a sycamore. The air is still; the wind rustles through the trees and the birds sing. I am calm. I am finally quiet inside. I think that if I spent every day of the rest of my life in the woods that everything would be okay. These moments are the antithesis of the hours spent in front of my computer at work. There is no substitute for them. These moments are bigger than anything else I can ever dream up to bring peace to my ragged mind.

2 Comments

by sean on March 22, 2009 • Permalink

Posted in calmness, good nature, hiking, peace

Posted by sean on March 22, 2009

https://sd-stewart.com/2009/03/22/in-the-woods/

state of the birds

circles

So I took a look back at what I was rambling about last year around this time, and it was a lot of the same thing. Mostly complaining about the cold and hoping for spring, while simultaneously bemoaning my creative stagnation. How disappointingly predictable I’ve become. Last March I claimed that “never have I anticipated the end of the cold this much.” Hmmph…I believe I’ve topped that again this year. I also spoke of my “struggle to pry away the crust of creative inactivity that has hardened over me, leaving me a dull cistern of lukewarm life juice, sloshing and slopping all over my dried up mental flooring.” Sigh…I really need to get my act together, quit my complaining about this and that, and do something important. My birthday was a few days ago, and it served as yet another reminder that time marches on (nod to Metallica) regardless of whether I’ve got my marching shoes on or not. Lately I’ve been identifying with the character of Ed Chigliak in the late great television show Northern Exposure. Ed is a frustrated artist, a dreamer, and is seemingly incapable of following through on projects or sometimes even starting them in the first place. He drifts through episodes of the show, making his trademark movie analogies, but never really doing too much of anything. I don’t see my identification with Ed as a good thing, especially as he is 21 or so, an age at which such confusion and uncertainty is often a given, whereas I am much older, and yet in some ways I feel like I have not progressed much farther on my path than Ed has. However, I take heart in what the character of traditional healer Leonard tells Ed during one of Ed’s particularly low points: “The path to our destination is not always a straight one, Ed. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn’t matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark.” To that I would add that it is also our travel down the road itself that often affects us the most.

2 Comments

by sean on March 21, 2009 • Permalink

Posted in birthdays, circle of life, creativity, parts of the whole, seasons

Posted by sean on March 21, 2009

https://sd-stewart.com/2009/03/21/circles/

a walk to calm the mind

Concentric circles radiated outward across the water’s surface, each one born of a single drop of rain. I could have easily stared for hours, the quiet moments punctuated by the rattling cry of a kingfisher racing at low altitude back and forth above this portion of the stream. But instead I moved on, muddled thoughts swirling in my head as my eyes struggled to extract the beauty from a natural scene blighted by humanity’s grotesque reminders: the ubiquitous plastic bags hanging like profane ornaments in the branches along the stream’s banks, the silver hubcap gleaming obtrusively in the bushes, the child’s beach ball bobbling in a section of rapids. I thought, I could clean it up, spend hours of my free time picking trash from the water and the surrounding bushes and trees. But I know it would be a fruitless never-ending task. Instead I entered the arboretum and stood listening to the chickadees, cardinals, and robins as they no doubt discussed the weather. I walked around, read the signs, checked out the aqueduct system and the rain barrels. I left then and began to climb the hill. As I climbed, I noticed some early spring bulbs poking their heads bravely out of the soil. A few daffodils have even bloomed, splashing surprising color here and there across a still mostly dull brown background. Last week in Texas, it was shocking to see so many trees budding out, some already in leaf, and the beds at the Dallas Arboretum bursting with flowers in full bloom. Soon things will turn the corner here, I thought. There are signs we will yet vanquish winter. I arrived back home then cold and a little wet, but with a calm mind.

it just seems like there’s no end in sight

This winter is never-ending. Spring drags its muddy feet, reluctant to bless us with its milder tones, and I in turn remain sluggish and reclusive, like a surly overwintered plant not yet ready to unfurl its new leaves toward the sun. The white sky, the wind, the cold air within my house conspire to press me down. My body at rest stays at rest, no forces working upon it. I waste away; I shrink inward only to then recoil from what I find within. For the cold resides deep down in my bones, gathered in thick pools that creep forth to fill every cavity. I have begun to harbor caustic feelings toward this season we call winter. I love three seasons out of four, yet I’m not sure if even that combined love outweighs my growing hatred of the fourth.

1 Comment

by sean on March 14, 2009 • Permalink

Posted in hibernation, restlessness, winter

Posted by sean on March 14, 2009

https://sd-stewart.com/2009/03/14/it-just-seems-like-theres-no-end-in-sight/

the stitching across so many wounded hearts

The sky above Black Beauty Ranch.

1 Comment

by sean on March 10, 2009 • Permalink

Posted in animal sanctuaries, birds, black beauty ranch, sky, trees

Posted by sean on March 10, 2009

https://sd-stewart.com/2009/03/10/the-stitching-across-so-many-wounded-hearts/

moving pictures

Last night I watched The Good Life. I liked it. It was the kind of movie I tend to like. There was an outsider and life seemed to be hitting him hard where it counts. I always identify with outsider characters, be they in books, movies, or in real life. This movie also featured Zooey Deschanel. I like her. She seems to have impeccable taste in the projects she takes on, even Elf. All the Real Girls is a particularly good movie she was in. Harry Dean Stanton was also in this film, and I loooove Harry Dean Stanton. He is the man. Two words: Repo Man. Mark Webber played the main character in The Good Life and he did a bang-up job. He was also the kid in Broken Flowers. I don’t think I’ve seen him in any other films, but now I will keep my eye out. After the movie ended, I sat quietly for a few minutes. I usually do this after I finish watching a movie I like, especially one that stimulates my creative impulses. It needs to sink in a bit.

Well, I’ll be away for a while, but not too long. When I come back, maybe I’ll have something to write about…maybe.

This post filtered through the sounds of Mogwai “Yes! I Am a Long Way From Home.”

2 Comments

by sean on March 3, 2009 • Permalink

Posted in film, movies, reviews

Posted by sean on March 3, 2009

https://sd-stewart.com/2009/03/03/moving-pictures/

reward for a cold trek

Yesterday morning I took a walk with ML up to the park. It was cold and blustery. I had my binocs with me to monitor any bird activity. The birds were quiet as we walked along the road into the park. As we approached the lake, though, I spotted a pair of ducks in the water, right above the dam. We got up closer and ID’d them as a male and female Hooded Merganser. Such striking birds! They swam steadily against the current, away from the dam, and then suddenly the female took wing, the male immediately following. Later as we walked back along the road, we looked down into the river and saw a solitary male merganser. Bonus duck! Below is a shot of a male Hooded Merganser from the Flickr page of TT_MAC, a Canadian couple who also have some other cool nature photos on their page.