I throw open the windows to let in a surprisingly cool mid-August breeze. I sit close to hear the cottonwood leaves rustle as they tell their stories. A crow calls, soon he will be joined here by his brethren on their winter roosting grounds. A cardinal chips, probably while out there eating the grapes growing on my neighbor’s arbor. I’ve been finding them on the deck railing lately, pierced through and emptied of their insides. Out through the sun porch windows I see a hummingbird pass by, lingering first at the crape myrtle blossoms. On the stereo now, Walker and Jay play their twisted and gnarled mountain music; the sad soulful notes swirl around this round table where I sit and soar up through the window screens to the grey skies above. I have two doors to paint today and that is something.
3 AM
3 AM, the witching hour. Eyes pop open and then…a kaleidoscopic filmstrip of every thought you’ve had lately chugs to life and begins the slow plodding death march across the 360° screen of your head-space. The thoughts are lurid and over-developed, much more menacing and ridiculous than their original incarnations. You toss and turn but that just makes the film move faster. Three nights in a row at 3 AM…you’ve come face-to-face with the dreaded triumvirate of sleep interruption, blazing an insomniac trail through a week of too much daytime coffee and too little time at peace. Congratulations, here is your gold tie tack.
Posted by sean on August 11, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/08/11/3-am/
commuter rant
As a long-time bike commuter, I have always prided myself on my ability to keep all senses on high alert while traveling between home, work, and anywhere else I choose to ride. My 360° awareness and accompanying quick response time are what keep me relatively safe on the streets. But now I am weary. I am weary of asinine drivers. I am weary of ignorant pedestrians. I am weary of the need for this constant vigilance. Take this morning, for example. I approach a red traffic light. A car waits at the light across the intersection. The driver does not have her turn signal on. I am headed straight. The light turns green almost immediately, and so I push off into the intersection. At the same time, still without signaling, the driver turns left into my path. I dodge to the right in order to avoid being hit, yelling out in frustration. As she completes her turn, the driver reacts in outrage, yelling at me, “What the fuck?!”
So, let’s review. We are facing each other at an intersection. Neither of us is indicating an intended turn, which means that we would both have the right-of-way to proceed straight without pausing. Now, if she intended to turn she should: (a) indicate her intention with her turn signal, and (b) wait for me to pass through the intersection before executing her turn, as I have the right-of-way. The fact that I am on a bike is irrelevant to the traffic law. A bicycle is a moving vehicle equivalent to a car in this state and thus should be yielded to in the same way that other cars are yielded to when they have the right-of-way.
If I had to guess, I would say that if I had been driving a car, this driver would have yielded to me, because if she hadn’t, she would quite likely have been hit, especially considering that she didn’t have her signal on. But because I was on a bike, I was, what, a non-entity, not a physical threat to her car, and therefore not worth yielding to? She had to have seen me. My body language indicated that I was going straight through the intersection. But instead she chose to ignore me, and then reacted with hostility toward me when I was merely exercising my right-of-way. What’s more is that her hostility seemed so genuine. How can I expect to survive on the streets when drivers believe their horrible driving practices to be right and true?
The bottom line is that I’m tired of deconstructing incidents like this. They didn’t used to bother me as much. But I don’t feel like it’s getting better out there. You would think more cyclists on the road would mean more awareness among drivers. But that awareness is either not coming, or it’s approaching with the speed of cold molasses. A common argument stated by the trolls who post comments on bike safety articles online is that cyclists shouldn’t get treated like regular traffic until they start obeying all the rules (stopping at every stop sign, etc.). To that I say, why would I wait at a stop sign (or red light) if I can proceed safely through it ahead of other traffic? Is it better for me to wait there with the automotive traffic, and then risk being hit by a driver eager to cut me off? I have to think about what’s safest for me because I’m not surrounded by two tons of steel. And from my observations over the years, I’ve determined that the safest thing for me is to stay ahead of traffic whenever possible. It’s quite obvious to me that most, if not all, drivers do not want me in their way.
Basically, I feel invisible on my bike. And it’s not just the drivers ignoring me. Pedestrians don’t hear I’m coming, and they never look before crossing the street, anyway. Maybe they would look if they heard something…I don’t really know. I see them walk out in front of cars without looking, too…I guess maybe they just have a death wish. And even if they do look at me, they still walk out in front of me half the time. I don’t know what it is. Do they misjudge how fast a bike can travel? Do they not realize that getting hit by a bike hurts? Maybe they wouldn’t die or be paralyzed, but I guarantee they’d suffer some injuries.
Bike commuting used to be fun. My trips to work and back were usually the highlights of my day, times when I felt truly alive. Now, I am more likely to dread those trips. The city streets are alive with danger. If it’s not a car hitting you, it will be a roving band of teenagers attacking you and stealing your bike, or just practicing some act of random violence upon you. For the first time, I’m starting to really wonder if it’s worth it. How can I just enjoy riding my bike if I think everyone is out to get me? If it were just my imagination maybe I could learn to fight it. But the proof continues to manifest itself all around me, and I can’t just turn away.
Posted by sean on August 9, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/08/09/commuter-rant/
wearing my badger suit
Sleep evades as manic passion envelops. Meanwhile they’re closing in. They want what they don’t have and I don’t want most of what I’ve got. But I’m still angry and afraid. It’s in the late night hours that we confront the truths that daylight scatters to the dark corners. It’s when the needle hits the vinyl past midnight that you start to wonder what’s really going on. Drinking this American Water and feeling okay, but in a different uncontrolled kind of way. Maybe side two holds the answers? Maybe not. Maybe there are no answers.
Posted by sean on August 6, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/08/06/wearing-my-badger-suit/
mosquito death squad: now recruiting
Ever since I was a boy, I’ve been marked by members of the blood-sucking insect world as a particularly tasty food source. I’m not sure why exactly every blood-sucking insect is drawn to me, but I suspect that my easily accessible veins have something to do with it. Some have dismissed this theory, claiming that insects aren’t intelligent enough to seek out those of us with veins closer to the skin’s surface, but my anecdotal evidence says otherwise. Others around me with deeper veins remain untouched while I serve as a feeding ground for the entire local mosquito population. I look at where the bites occur, and for the most part they are directly over the vein. So I’m willing to give those blood-suckers the credit where it’s due.
In the past, I’ve had run-ins with fleas. Apparently I’m allergic to fleas, but what that really means is that I’m allergic to their saliva. At one time I lived in a house where fleas also lived, unbeknownst to me. They began biting me during the night while I was sleeping. I’d wake with my ankles covered in welts. Flea bites are prone to infection, and while I took great care not to scratch the bites, they would often become infected anyway. During a several month stretch, I was put on antibiotics three or four times. I began sleeping in layers with socks pulled far up over my pants, despite the summer temperatures. Nothing I did seemed to stop them. I literally thought I was going to lose my mind. To say that my quality of life declined would be an absurdly gross understatement. I flea-bombed the house and yet the fleas lived on. I finally bought some powder online that was guaranteed. I had to move all the furniture and work this stuff into the carpet really good before vacuuming. I think that finally got them, but I moved out anyway.
These days the worst offenders are the mosquitoes. Have you heard of the Asian tiger mosquito? I had not made its acquaintance until recently, but apparently somewhere on my block there is a major breeding ground. I can’t linger outside my back door for more than three seconds without being bitten. The tiger mosquito came to the United States from Asia via the used automobile tire trade. These mosquitoes like to breed in water that pools up in used tires sitting around outdoors. Hooray, yet another scourge we can blame on car culture! These mosquitoes are like regular mosquitoes on steroids. Whereas other mosquitoes come out to feed only at dusk, the Asian tiger mosquito feeds all day long! Isn’t that great? So now I can’t even go out into my yard in the middle of the day without getting bitten at least six times. Another great thing about Asian tiger mosquitoes is that their bites last much longer on average than regular mosquito bites. I’ve found my bites from these fiends itch for several days, whereas regular mosquito bites usually fade rather quickly, often within the hour. Even more awesome is that these mosquitoes are like ninjas; you don’t feel them while they’re biting you so you can’t even attempt to stop them. They are also known to be particularly agile in avoiding being slapped.
Tiger mosquitoes breed in any containers holding water, and so have thrived in residential areas. Many of the birds and bats that consume massive quantities of insects don’t live in the city, and so there is not much in the natural world of the city to keep these mosquito populations in check. The best defense is not to allow water to sit outside in any type of container. But when you live in a rowhouse community, this presents a problem. You may prevent breeding in your own yard, but you can’t stop everyone else from letting water sit around.
My solution this summer has been to stay out of the yard. Lately, though, some mosquitoes have gotten into the house. They bite me at random times and I suffer quietly while they go sleep off the drunken stupor they’ve gained from gorging on my blood. Awhile later they return to bite me again. Eventually they die, I guess, but by then it doesn’t matter…they’ve done their damage.
I’m really looking forward to winter.
Posted by sean on July 31, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/07/31/mosquito-death-squad-now-recruiting/
my ideals involve observing sleeping raccoons
One day in Maine, I walked to the edge of the bluff upon which sat the house where we were staying. Straight ahead was the sea. Also straight ahead and slightly to the left was a tall tree about 30 feet away or so. Just below my eye level was a hole in that tree. And in that hole a raccoon was sleeping. After discovering this, I took it upon myself to check on this raccoon every chance I got. Sometimes all I saw was a patch of fur in the hole. Another time I spotted the raccoon about to enter the hole. It paused, looking out at me with a guilty expression, as if it had been caught red-handed. I gradually realized that it was not going to crawl into its hole with me staring at it, and so I discreetly moved away. The final time I saw that raccoon, it was lying on its back in the hole, its head sticking out and tossed back like that of an old man dozing in an overstuffed armchair. Its mouth slightly agape, I could almost hear it softly snoring from where I stood. Not a bad life, I thought.
It’s forever a balance, the hours we stare at pixelated images and the hours we don’t. I’m always on the run from this monitor, even as I sit in front of it. And I guess this song keeps meaning different things to me, since this is the second time it’s come up here.
I can’t be held responsible for the things I say
For I am just a vessel in vain
And I can’t be held responsible for the things I see
For I am just a vessel in vain
No boat out on no ocean
No name there on no hull
And it’s not a strain at all to remember
Those that I’ve left behind
They’re all standing right here beside me now
And most of them with a smile
My ideals have got me on the run
Towards my connection with everyone
My ideals have got me on the run
It’s my connection with everyone
Such free reign
For a vessel in vain
Posted by sean on July 7, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/07/07/my-ideals-involve-observing-sleeping-raccoons/
maine
On the outskirts of town, we stop at a used bookstore & antique shop. I pick up a reissue of Black Sun and Em Ell finds me an old Western shirt with snaps down the front. Twenty minutes later as we pull into our place for the week, I hear the first hermit thrushes. That night I crack open the book and read Abbey’s words in the first paragraph: “He hears the flutelike song, cool as silver, of a hermit thrush.” Fiction mirrors life, every single time. If it’s good and true, that is.
Maine’s natural beauty, both rugged and fine, bowled me over. I came as a pilgrim, seeking solace from the noisy, angry city streets, and I left a zealot, prepared to spread the gospel. Maybe better to keep it to myself, I thought later, though, don’t want to spoil a good thing anymore than it’s already been spoiled, which is surprisingly very little, as evidenced by views such as this:
We explored by boat, by foot, by bike, by kayak, and again by foot. I saw and/or heard 62 species of birds (several of them were lifers), a little lower than my expectations, but considering I did very little dedicated birding, not bad by a long shot. We climbed in the mountains, topping out somewhere around 1160 feet. We kayaked with the loons and listened to their haunting song. This particular loon seemed unimpressed with us:
The one day I went out by myself specifically to go birding was cool and rainy. I woke at 6 AM to the sound of steady rain and almost decided not to go. I lay back down in bed, but I just kept thinking about how I am only in this place for one more day. So I went. At my first stop, deep in the park on the western side of the island, I found myself surrounded by ravens scronking their unearthly calls in the trees. I’d hear sounds like churning helicopter blades, and look up to see another raven flapping its wings, off to unknown places. I then found myself slightly off-track due to a confusing turn in the trail. So I returned to the car and drove on twisting gravel roads to the place I was looking for. I’d planned out this excursion using a birding guide to Mount Desert Island. This first place ended up a bust, though. There I was deep in the forest, and all I could find was a robin and some mourning doves. I can find those birds in my backyard any day of the week! But they don’t get to see this:
A curious thing about birding that you learn early on is that the most beautiful isolated places in the world are not necessarily the birdiest places. In fact, they are often not very birdy at all. Birders often find themselves hanging around water treatment plants, landfills, parking lots, and disgusting ponds behind shopping centers. Birds don’t care what a place looks like, per se, as song as their needs are met. On this particular day in Maine, I was experiencing this phenomenon. It’s hard to be upset at a lack of birds, though, when there is so much else to look at, such as this White Admiral butterfly.
I left the forest and headed to the western coast, where I hiked in to some land preserved by the Nature Conservancy. This was a tract of towering white cedars, red spruce, and balsam firs that were untouched by the great fire of 1947. The trail, gnarled with massive tree roots, wound a circuitous route to the beach. When it opened up out of the forest, I found singing warblers, most very high in the trees. Busy woodpeckers worked the lower trunks. A winter wren trilled its bubbling song. I only lingered for a little while, though, as I’d already been out for several hours.
Later that day we explored the Wonderland and Ship Harbor trails in the southwestern section of the park. It was quite birdy there, and we saw a bald eagle land off-shore on some exposed rocks where a group of gulls was roosting. The gulls were none too pleased with the eagle and started dive-bombing it. I forgot the camera in the car during these hikes so I don’t have any visuals. But here is where we hiked to the very next morning:
After climbing mountains that last day, we returned to home base. I needed to reflect and absorb, as I felt the end of this time nearing and my state of mind already shifting. Near our place, at the bottom of a long cascading series of wooden steps lies a rocky beach. I go there, close my eyes and hear the tide wash in and recede. I open my eyes and see that large smooth stone on the beach as my soul, washed as it has been by the saltwater tonic of this place. I want to distill the salt-laced air, the fragrant pine boughs, the views of aching beauty, the hermit thrush’s song–take it all and fill a tiny bottle to carry with me and open to breathe in as needed. But the grains of my recollections will instead likely drift away over time in the stale winds of the day-to-day. Perhaps, though, if I concentrate hard enough, I can keep some of the uniqueness of what I saw cloistered deep within my mind, where nothing from the outside can ever destroy it.
Posted by sean on July 3, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/07/03/maine/
the city boils as we try to sleep
I was away for a while but now I’m back. I hope to provide a full report and some photos by the end of the week. Stay tuned…
Posted by sean on June 22, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/06/22/the-city-boils-as-we-try-to-sleep/
institutionalized
Due to cat needing vet visits, I spent two days working from home, driving Em El down south for work and picking her up in the evening. I haven’t commuted by car in years, so it was quite a shock to my system. Blood pressure rises, teeth gritted, eyes glaze over as you follow the same route over and over. I’m used to seeing the stupid things drivers pull as I ride my bike, but it’s totally different when you’re driving. It actually bothers me more, probably because I’m already extremely agitated just from the mere fact of being behind the wheel. Anyway, it got me thinking about people who commute the same route for years on end. Every day, a vacant thousand-yard stare fixed on the traffic lights ahead. The rote of it all would kill me in a matter of months.
So after the storms pass, and the dishes are drying in the rack, I step out into the cool air. That old cottonwood out back sings its timeless song with nothing more than leaves in the wind and I am so thirsty to hear it. I want to go to sleep listening to nothing but that. It takes me back to, of all places, Lucy Park and the hidden trails I found that one day, winding alongside the chocolate brown river. After a deep and full night of cottonwood sleep I want to wake up to the high fluted serenades of the thrushes. I want to turn my head to the window and breathe in the meadow breeze as it fills the room. I am so hungry for what feeds me. So desperate in this urban confusion. I keep fitting one leghold trap after another onto these withered limbs.
I can’t stop hearing Bill Callahan sing, “My ideals have got me on the run…towards my connection with everyone. My ideals have got me on the run…it’s my connection to everyone.”
I don’t even know anymore what my ideals are, if I even ever had a clear idea. I’m so shifty and drifty, I’m barely able to pin myself down most days. And I’m certainly not running anymore. Treading murky water, perhaps. As for my connections, they are few and far between. Far in miles and farther yet in states of mind.
I don’t want to become institutionalized. I really don’t. I know that much. Maybe that’s an ideal? It’s something I’ll keep fighting against as long as I have the strength, even if it’s with my last few ounces.
Posted by sean on June 4, 2010
https://sd-stewart.com/2010/06/04/institutionalized/








