where silence reigns*

*stolen from Rilke, not that he cares now

Late summer music coming through the speakers now. Confusing with such snow pouring down at streetlight level. A week is long; a week is time like saltwater taffy stretched as far as you can swallow. Not as far as the years you’ve seen. Delve into the past and balk at words since forsaken. Self-censor then and hope for the best. Look to fire’s cleansing fangs for answers you cannot give. Dreams, it’s always been dreams that fuel those flames. Conquer them and you’ll rid yourself of answers. Thus ridden will you fall. Thus ridden will you never wake. Even yet, what words we write. Words in spite; words dull, not bright.

from a room with slanted ceilings

In another place, for once.  These walls blue instead of yellow, yet the likeness remains.  A window from which to gaze, at treetops, at sky and clouds.  What we endure like some concrete mix plastered to our outsides, layering on another wall between what we feel and what we show to the others.  The talking we do, so careful, so orchestrated, a hackneyed script whittled down to nothing.  But today is not a mere trailing on of yesterday.  No, today is a rope tossed back to us, its intricate knotted fibers there for fingers to grasp and pull us forward to lighter times, when we are who we are and we do what we are here to do.

the wind empties your eyes

Peer through the doorway to see the yellow light fall across the bed, cat curled up within the warmth of its rays. Recharging on solitude, or maybe just reverting back to it. Unfamiliar pangs of hunger appear after two days of illness. Mind is a mess of directionless chatter. Soon there will be work again, a sinking back down into the morass.

Daydream of the cloistered life: a seat in front of this window, a view onto this rooftop tableau. The players: a mockingbird and a pair of cardinals. The drama focuses on a small pool of water at the roof’s edge. Herky-jerky movements like puppets as each actor attempts to take a drink. Have you ever watched a mockingbird tip its head back and swallow? It is truly a sight to behold. A couple of juncos show up as stand-ins, filling out the stage with their sprightly steps.

My attention in life ever shrinking to smaller details, my eyes wandering farther the larger the concepts grow, my ability to feign interest sinking like an anchor into cold black water. The rooftops, the treetops, they catch and hold me, leave me breathless. A new shoot poking out from an aloe’s center stuns me. And always the music to sink into at times like this, a warm aural bath that clears the mind and calms the nerves. It doesn’t ask, only gives, already knowing how you need to feel.

defaulted

Seventy years ago you smoked and talked at the same time. Seventy years ago you drank scotch and sherry and rye. Seventy years ago you flirted with every woman that crossed your path. Seventy years ago you were larger than life, transposed from page to screen. Seventy years ago you dished out repartee like so much small talk. Seventy years ago you moved fast, thought fast, dressed fast. Seventy years ago you always figured out what to do and why. Seventy years later I fall short, nearly every day. It doesn’t matter. Not as if you’re a person. But it’s still cause for thought, anyway.

1:11

It’s the fragility of everything that just makes you crazy. It’s the sense that it could all just fall apart in a few otherwise empty moments. But the fragility also holds beauty, a fractured bitter beauty you can’t ever manage to turn away from. It’s Fitzgerald’s always three o’clock, the dead darkness of winter burrowing away at your soul, searching desperately for another year’s rest. And outside you pretend, outside you patch it all together with plastic smiles and nods of the head. Inside you roar mightily, you spin the cylinders of every single year that’s passed you by, you listen for the pins to drop into place, you pace the worn empty floors of your mind, waiting waiting waiting, always waiting.

Is it all confusion? Is it all random? Or is it your own fault for believing that. For not deciding what to do and when. For not saying you won’t let anything stop you. For continuing to wait.

No, but I saw you, after all. I saw what you have accomplished. You did not give up. You did not falter. You rose above it all. Yes, you did.

For that, then, for that I am grateful.

this just in: subtle schedule shift forces new cracks in worn shellac

The pendulum swings upward again. Remember a sky of polished stone. The tree of many birds. Cracked sidewalks underfoot while perched alone at the end of the earth. How hard it is clawing our way up to have a look around. How sweet the first taste of syrupy mania when we finally do. Tap your foot to the mighty dirge. Scream ’til you’re hoarse inside. Run until your soul leaves your body and then keep on running until it returns. Record your dreams and re-read them until you understand. Untether yourself from what you think matters and wait for a sign. Pay attention to the crows circling above at dusk. Their presence is no coincidence. And neither is yours.

indivisible

“We are living in the dark ages”–NMN

The crows are gathering…

Life is in the interstices.

In the moments after what happens is where we find ourselves.

It’s all we’ve got left.  It’s all we ever really had to work with.

Not answers to find, per se, but maybe a subtle understanding.

Maybe some rocky, unsettled…peace.

when you don’t leave the house

I watched Faces again tonight. It’s been at least a decade, maybe longer, since I last watched it. Cassavetes crushes me every time, maybe more the older I get and the more I’ve seen and felt. When I think about the movies I like, the art I am drawn to, the music I connect with, the books I fall in love with, I see that they all share a common thread: their creators do not shy away from an honest portrayal of life as a human being. They do not judge; they simply show life for what it is. We humans are messy, we screw up a lot, we’re vulnerable, we’re fallible, and sometimes we never learn from our mistakes. There is a beautiful ugliness that hangs about us…it could go either way what you see, depending on our moods, depending on so much beyond our control. And when you talk about things like trust and expectations…well, then that is where it really gets complicated. People don’t bargain so easy with those, and with good reason. We can build and destroy these over and over, throughout a life of trying not to be alone for a little too long, carrying resilience with us, the one weapon we hope to always hold close to our hearts.

events transpire, time passes, and what end do we all hurtle toward

A year is a collection of days. These days fashion themselves into months, which clump together into seasons, both hot and dry, cold and wet. But only one continuum extends as far as we can walk. All else arbitrary. All else rationalizes what we look away from. That being our own end, from which we run, even as we draw nearer to it still. Peering back through the wine-sweet debauched years at the dull bluntness of youth, with the long and short of our yawning parched futures hunched on our bony shoulders. With the many crisscrossing paths diverging from our own, now choked with twisting brambles, now hiding forever what secrets they may once have held.

welcome, aliens

UN ‘to appoint space ambassador to greet alien visitors’

“Opinion is divided about how future extraterrestrial visitors should be greeted. Under the Outer Space Treaty on 1967, which Unoosa oversees, UN members agreed to protect Earth against contamination by alien species by “sterilising” them.

Mrs. Othman is understood to support a more tolerant approach.

But Professor Stephen Hawking has warned that alien interlopers should be treated with caution.

He said: “I imagine they might exist in massive ships, having used up all the resources from their home planet. The outcome for us would be much as when Christopher Columbus first landed in America, which didn’t turn out very well for the Native Americans.””

if only

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