institutionalized

Due to cat needing vet visits, I spent two days working from home, driving Em El down south for work and picking her up in the evening.  I haven’t commuted by car in years, so it was quite a shock to my system.  Blood pressure rises, teeth gritted, eyes glaze over as you follow the same route over and over.  I’m used to seeing the stupid things drivers pull as I ride my bike, but it’s totally different when you’re driving.  It actually bothers me more, probably because I’m already extremely agitated just from the mere fact of being behind the wheel.  Anyway, it got me thinking about people who commute the same route for years on end.  Every day, a vacant thousand-yard stare fixed on the traffic lights ahead.  The rote of it all would kill me in a matter of months.

So after the storms pass, and the dishes are drying in the rack, I step out into the cool air.  That old cottonwood out back sings its timeless song with nothing more than leaves in the wind and I am so thirsty to hear it.  I want to go to sleep listening to nothing but that.  It takes me back to, of all places, Lucy Park and the hidden trails I found that one day, winding alongside the chocolate brown river.  After a deep and full night of cottonwood sleep I want to wake up to the high fluted serenades of the thrushes.  I want to turn my head to the window and breathe in the meadow breeze as it fills the room.  I am so hungry for what feeds me.  So desperate in this urban confusion.  I keep fitting one leghold trap after another onto these withered limbs.

I can’t stop hearing Bill Callahan sing, “My ideals have got me on the run…towards my connection with everyone.  My ideals have got me on the run…it’s my connection to everyone.”

I don’t even know anymore what my ideals are, if I even ever had a clear idea.  I’m so shifty and drifty, I’m barely able to pin myself down most days.  And I’m certainly not running anymore.  Treading murky water, perhaps.  As for my connections, they are few and far between.  Far in miles and farther yet in states of mind.

I don’t want to become institutionalized.  I really don’t.  I know that much. Maybe that’s an ideal?  It’s something I’ll keep fighting against as long as I have the strength, even if it’s with my last few ounces.

being yourself?

Ralph Waldo Emerson said that being yourself in a world that’s constantly trying to make you something else is the greatest accomplishment.  It sounds like a hokey kind of quote that’s been overused to the point of meaningless…the sort of thing you might hear during a high school graduation speech.  But it holds a sharp and poignant truth that many refuse to confront.  Last night I sat on the deck and watched the clouds drift into each other. Swifts chittered as they hawked insects above me, intersecting each others’ flight paths in and out of my field of vision.  The air felt clean from rain and the sky showed off its blue behind clouds stained by the setting sun. It was true beauty, despite the power lines, the roof lines, all the straight and narrowness that makes me restless.  I try to be myself as much as I can, and doing that has mostly made me feel eccentric and alienated.  But I’m okay with that.

I have a couple of photos to share from my wandering, but my camera’s battery is dead at the moment.  Migration is slowing, almost halted…I only saw a few migrants last time I went out.  Now I plan to focus on finding and getting better looks at some of the local breeders, particularly some of the skulking warblers like Kentucky, Yellow-breasted Chat, and Worm-eating.  I’m pretty sure I glimpsed a Kentucky at Soldier’s Delight the other day, but he wasn’t singing and popped down out of view and refused to show himself again.  At SWAP, I heard a chat sing just a few notes before clamming up.  I’ll be back to seek him out again.  As much as I love migration, it’s very hectic and for someone still learning all the songs, it can be overwhelming.  I’ll appreciate some quieter time where I can hone my ear birding skills and hopefully still see a few new birds while I’m at it.

blurred

I’m tired…allergy season is upon me and it seems like this year it’s gonna be particularly rough. I feel like I’m sorta falling apart at the seams and simultaneously sewing them back up. A little stuffing drops out each time. My dreams have broadened, become richer and more verdant, but I still struggle to recall them. This distresses me. I don’t think I’m prepared for another summer in the city. It seems different now…the violence more palpable, the callousness in the streets hardened to an impermeable crust. I seek open fields with endless skies and not a building in site. I just keep blundering along, not really knowing what I’m doing at all. I miss writing…it’s like an old friend I keep meaning to call up on the phone. It’s a challenge for me to prioritize.  I shouldn’t have to prioritize that. But there’s no forcing it, either. I feel like I should know a few more things than I do at this point in my life. Other people’s lives fascinate me…do they also doubt themselves on a near-daily basis? Do they also feel like proto-adults? And by proto- I mean primitive. Ah well…another epic zen fail for the day.

woodcock-blocked

Yesterday, the dulcet tones of the resident mockingbird guided me through my morning rituals. Once the eyes and ears have awakened to nature’s wonder, they just keep opening wider each day. Even in this broken and struggling city, there are many dazzling natural phenomena to discover. Often they are subtle and may take time to become attuned to, but with a little searching a reward will come. And it will keep paying out over a lifetime.

In that spirit, we set out one night last week to look for American Woodcocks at a local park.  I’d yet to lay eyes or ears on this elusive and fascinating bird.  A report on a birding discussion list tipped me off to their presence at this particular park, and so it seemed like a good opportunity.  During spring months, the male woodcocks come out at dusk in open fields to perform their “sky dance” (as described by Aldo Leopold) in hopes of attracting a mate.  We arrived at the park around 7:30 PM and walked down the trail in the fading light. About a quarter mile in, we heard several woodocks making their “peent” calls.  Soon we arrived at the power line cut, a broad open area, and found two other birders staked out below the trail at what sounded like the epicenter of the “peenting” activity.  We hung around for about ten minutes, until my companion began showing heightened signs of anxiety concerning the rapidly increasing darkness.  No flight displays had been observed, but I reluctantly headed back down the trail.  As we neared the parking area, we saw a truck with its lights on and a ranger walking around.  Two other cars besides ours were present.  We reached our car just as the ranger was copying down the license plate number onto a ticket.  I approached him and explained that we were looking for woodcocks, thinking that a park ranger would share the enthusiasm of people using the park to observe nature.  Instead I was met with a blank stare, followed by a typical verbose string of law enforcement pedantry, whereby arbitrary rules are repeated ad nauseum in the tone and manner with which one usually addresses a disobedient toddler.  Yes, officer, I heard you the first of the now six times (and counting!) that you have told me the park closes at sunset.  Thank you for pointing out in an incredulous tone that it’s now well past that point in time.  It’s a pity that the woodcock is unwilling to accommodate the draconian time constraints you impose upon well-meaning folks who endeavor to quietly observe this marvel of the natural world.  Thankfully, our new friend was kind enough to let us off with a carefully enunciated and frequently repeated warning.  Not so lucky were the owners of that Toyota Prius parked next to our car, who were undoubtedly still ravaging naked through the woods when we left, setting random fires and hurling empty whiskey bottles at the local deer.

I know that park rangers are just following orders, and there are perhaps (although in this location doubtfully so) people who shouldn’t be allowed in parks after dark. And maybe that’s the problem:  it would be considered “discriminatory” to ban certain people but allow others, so as a result we all suffer.  But if there were no limits on public land, would it all just end up trashed?  It’s a tough question to answer, because by answering yes we acknowledge that people are essentially programmed to self-destruct, or at least to destroy the planet that sustains their existence.  And certainly history has more than hinted at this predisposition.  By answering no, on the other hand, we are branded as naive by those who set the rules.  It’s a conversation that could proceed in a perpetual circle.

All philosophical musings aside, I just want to see the woodcock spiral toward the sky.  A simple and innocent enough desire, or so I thought.  But I don’t want to be harassed by some park cop in the process.  Why is that so much to ask?

this slate can never be erased

Foment angst so there is a thing to describe, not straight nor flat nor dull nor the same as before, but colored instead with the red of madness.  Like Dillard says, stalk the gaps.  But sometimes there’s waiting to be done.  Blank days, empty months, they shape themselves into forms you will recognize in time.  I can’t even pretend to care anymore about the empty words flaking down around me, stuffing my mouth with cotton ideas, my head so ready to explode its vitriol across the table, spreading over your useless papers, seeping through the fabric of your dress pants.  My internal voice so hoarse from screaming the vilest curses I can barely think just a word when I finally throw my leg up over the handlebars in defeat and make it all a shrinking dot behind me.  I’m hollowed out from the inside, your words carved out whatever mattered and replaced it with a frothy foam devoid of substance.  I sit and wait, sit and wait.  There may be nothing out there, nothing at all, but I still sense the madness, up in the corners, in the late night hours, triggers ablaze in the dark circles around your eyes.  I seize upon it and bite down to suck it dry.  I will fill myself back up, every time, no matter how many times you empty me. 

be all end all

Twin telescreens of death stare unblinking at your bleary listless eyes.  Four o’clock on a day of daylight supposedly saved, but actually just an extra hour wasted in a box inside of a box inside of a grimy concrete and asphalt wrapping.  An hour saved, an hour squandered.  I’m so worn down by the angles, the geometry of what surrounds me, what stares me rigid in the face.  I’m tired of the traps, the ones I walk into every day knowing they are there, and knowing they will snare me once again.  Day in, day out, I disappoint myself…my raging imagination like a balloon full of nitrous I suck on just enough to keep me standing up (and sitting down).  It’s a cheap high, and the euphoria of what whets my synapses carries me along, as the concavity of my soul deepens.  Further degradation in my psyche occurs, my social development a crumbling stone wall snaking back through the years behind me, each day pounded into smaller pieces, ’til no longer can I see through the cloud of rock dust to even know there’s someone on the other side.  There’s no alarm system triggered, no preventive maintenance performed, no evasive action taken.  I am unsupervised….out roaming the barren plains, shuffling and stumbling over minor events while veering away from major catastrophes.  I am giddy and lightheaded with a belly full of lead shot.  I want to run and never stop.  I wrote once that stasis has its merits but even then I knew motion was the skeleton key.  When you’re limb-locked and dusty, there is no other cure.

far corners

In motion, we are immunized against lassitude. Working muscles open the vessels for more oxygen to enter. Don’t want to stop, don’t want to sit still. When you do, extremities lose their warmth; thoughts dull to a sluggish tempo. But outside, even as the wind wipes the smile from your face, the crows revel in it, swooping and soaring on currents we can’t even see. Later you glide on one of those currents in your mind, as the mood pendulum swings in your favor, without the benefit of active motion, but this time with the slow warmth of drink and easy talk. But when all that is over, quicker than you’d like, you still can’t stop the mental projectiles shooting off in every crazy direction, moving too fast to follow, all with holes burned through like the strip of caps you carried in your jeans pocket as a kid, one after another spark-cracking under the strike of a rock, as you watched and inhaled the acrid plume of smoke drifting up. Reach up quick to snatch them down with inked lines onto bleached white paper, but they are too elusive, having turned to vapor, damp and transparent like late night fog hanging over an empty field.

indirection

Watched them build it block by block, a jail for accessories to the crime of vehicular manslaughter, both direct and indirect. Each week the view diminished, the city slowly disappearing behind a monstrous swath of grey concrete. Can’t think of a structure much more obscene, holding cells for what makes us get there faster. And where did that urge even come from? Everyone who’s anyone knowing the journey is what matters.

Time moves on and I look around to see everyone waiting, wondering if the next step is up or down. She guesses that there’s something more. But it’s the finding it that tricks us all. I have laid down my arms before many a battle, and for that have left with scars in places I only know.

At the end of one such battle, I stood in a wedge of life amongst a wider field of death. There I watched new lives in the midst of discovery. We marveled at each other and I in my disbelief grew soft and still. For despite the asphalt jaws slavering and gnashing around it, this place provided a haven for what I love. Facing everyday that which I did not ask for, that which has been cast upon me, that which was fashioned before me, my throat grows tight and I want to flee. But instead I sit and trace, unsteady, around the blurry borders of my muddled thoughts.

I struggle to crane my neck and stretch myself out, out, just far enough out beyond the band of thieves on my heels. I try to head for the open places, away from the corners, away from the blacktop. I try, but I don’t always succeed.

When I finally step out into the yellow light, I pause on the bridge and hear the kingfisher rattle. I wait and watch for my reward. He shoots up and out then, a sleek bullet streaking across the tracks and back down under the bridge on the other side, his wild cries splintering the air around me.

digression

This week I battle to stave off stagnation. This day I sit in front of two screens, my ears sparking full of music to spontaneously combust to. I shake the familiar restlessness down my sleeves to the cuffs but it never falls out, just hangs there like weight bands around my wrists. This hour I question my motives, my motivations; I contemplate my dreams, both self-constructed and those scissored into my head as I sleep. This minute I cough up words, try to make sense of it all, just to still my quaking limbs. This second I blink and breathe, knowing that sometimes that’s all there is to do.

>light through a crack

>this morning the sky hung apocalyptic above me. i rode through the streets, the air mild around me, and felt good. it has been awhile. i’m not sure what exactly is wrong. maybe i just hate the winter. maybe i keep sabotaging myself. maybe the constant tension is necessary. actually i know it is. the rubber band stretched across my heart dials me in to where I need to be. but the synaptic gaps cannot widen too far or all will be lost.

  • Recent Posts

  • Navigation Station

    The links along the top of the page are rudimentary attempts at trail markers. Otherwise, see below for more search and browse options.

  • In Search of Lost Time

  • Personal Taxonomy

  • Common Ground

  • Resources

  • BOOKS BOOKS BOOKS