So I took a look back at what I was rambling about last year around this time, and it was a lot of the same thing. Mostly complaining about the cold and hoping for spring, while simultaneously bemoaning my creative stagnation. How disappointingly predictable I’ve become. Last March I claimed that “never have I anticipated the end of the cold this much.” Hmmph…I believe I’ve topped that again this year. I also spoke of my “struggle to pry away the crust of creative inactivity that has hardened over me, leaving me a dull cistern of lukewarm life juice, sloshing and slopping all over my dried up mental flooring.” Sigh…I really need to get my act together, quit my complaining about this and that, and do something important. My birthday was a few days ago, and it served as yet another reminder that time marches on (nod to Metallica) regardless of whether I’ve got my marching shoes on or not. Lately I’ve been identifying with the character of Ed Chigliak in the late great television show Northern Exposure. Ed is a frustrated artist, a dreamer, and is seemingly incapable of following through on projects or sometimes even starting them in the first place. He drifts through episodes of the show, making his trademark movie analogies, but never really doing too much of anything. I don’t see my identification with Ed as a good thing, especially as he is 21 or so, an age at which such confusion and uncertainty is often a given, whereas I am much older, and yet in some ways I feel like I have not progressed much farther on my path than Ed has. However, I take heart in what the character of traditional healer Leonard tells Ed during one of Ed’s particularly low points: “The path to our destination is not always a straight one, Ed. We go down the wrong road, we get lost, we turn back. Maybe it doesn’t matter which road we embark on. Maybe what matters is that we embark.” To that I would add that it is also our travel down the road itself that often affects us the most.
All posts by sean
a walk to calm the mind
Concentric circles radiated outward across the water’s surface, each one born of a single drop of rain. I could have easily stared for hours, the quiet moments punctuated by the rattling cry of a kingfisher racing at low altitude back and forth above this portion of the stream. But instead I moved on, muddled thoughts swirling in my head as my eyes struggled to extract the beauty from a natural scene blighted by humanity’s grotesque reminders: the ubiquitous plastic bags hanging like profane ornaments in the branches along the stream’s banks, the silver hubcap gleaming obtrusively in the bushes, the child’s beach ball bobbling in a section of rapids. I thought, I could clean it up, spend hours of my free time picking trash from the water and the surrounding bushes and trees. But I know it would be a fruitless never-ending task. Instead I entered the arboretum and stood listening to the chickadees, cardinals, and robins as they no doubt discussed the weather. I walked around, read the signs, checked out the aqueduct system and the rain barrels. I left then and began to climb the hill. As I climbed, I noticed some early spring bulbs poking their heads bravely out of the soil. A few daffodils have even bloomed, splashing surprising color here and there across a still mostly dull brown background. Last week in Texas, it was shocking to see so many trees budding out, some already in leaf, and the beds at the Dallas Arboretum bursting with flowers in full bloom. Soon things will turn the corner here, I thought. There are signs we will yet vanquish winter. I arrived back home then cold and a little wet, but with a calm mind.
Posted by sean on March 15, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/03/15/a-walk-to-calm-the-mind/
it just seems like there’s no end in sight
This winter is never-ending. Spring drags its muddy feet, reluctant to bless us with its milder tones, and I in turn remain sluggish and reclusive, like a surly overwintered plant not yet ready to unfurl its new leaves toward the sun. The white sky, the wind, the cold air within my house conspire to press me down. My body at rest stays at rest, no forces working upon it. I waste away; I shrink inward only to then recoil from what I find within. For the cold resides deep down in my bones, gathered in thick pools that creep forth to fill every cavity. I have begun to harbor caustic feelings toward this season we call winter. I love three seasons out of four, yet I’m not sure if even that combined love outweighs my growing hatred of the fourth.
Posted by sean on March 14, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/03/14/it-just-seems-like-theres-no-end-in-sight/
the stitching across so many wounded hearts
Posted by sean on March 10, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/03/10/the-stitching-across-so-many-wounded-hearts/
moving pictures
Last night I watched The Good Life. I liked it. It was the kind of movie I tend to like. There was an outsider and life seemed to be hitting him hard where it counts. I always identify with outsider characters, be they in books, movies, or in real life. This movie also featured Zooey Deschanel. I like her. She seems to have impeccable taste in the projects she takes on, even Elf. All the Real Girls is a particularly good movie she was in. Harry Dean Stanton was also in this film, and I loooove Harry Dean Stanton. He is the man. Two words: Repo Man. Mark Webber played the main character in The Good Life and he did a bang-up job. He was also the kid in Broken Flowers. I don’t think I’ve seen him in any other films, but now I will keep my eye out. After the movie ended, I sat quietly for a few minutes. I usually do this after I finish watching a movie I like, especially one that stimulates my creative impulses. It needs to sink in a bit.
Well, I’ll be away for a while, but not too long. When I come back, maybe I’ll have something to write about…maybe.
This post filtered through the sounds of Mogwai “Yes! I Am a Long Way From Home.”
Posted by sean on March 3, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/03/03/moving-pictures/
reward for a cold trek
Yesterday morning I took a walk with ML up to the park. It was cold and blustery. I had my binocs with me to monitor any bird activity. The birds were quiet as we walked along the road into the park. As we approached the lake, though, I spotted a pair of ducks in the water, right above the dam. We got up closer and ID’d them as a male and female Hooded Merganser. Such striking birds! They swam steadily against the current, away from the dam, and then suddenly the female took wing, the male immediately following. Later as we walked back along the road, we looked down into the river and saw a solitary male merganser. Bonus duck! Below is a shot of a male Hooded Merganser from the Flickr page of TT_MAC, a Canadian couple who also have some other cool nature photos on their page.
Posted by sean on March 1, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/03/01/reward-for-a-cold-trek/
digression
This week I battle to stave off stagnation. This day I sit in front of two screens, my ears sparking full of music to spontaneously combust to. I shake the familiar restlessness down my sleeves to the cuffs but it never falls out, just hangs there like weight bands around my wrists. This hour I question my motives, my motivations; I contemplate my dreams, both self-constructed and those scissored into my head as I sleep. This minute I cough up words, try to make sense of it all, just to still my quaking limbs. This second I blink and breathe, knowing that sometimes that’s all there is to do.
Posted by sean on February 26, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/02/26/digression/
fiznit
Posted by sean on February 24, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/02/24/fiznit/
zine life
I’ve been publishing my zine Thoughtworm for about 12 years now. The consistency of my publishing schedule has fluctuated over the years, but in the past few years I’ve settled into a routine of releasing issues about once-a-year. It usually happens near the end of the summer, although an unpleasant bout with writer’s block knocked me off schedule two years ago and I’ve yet to return to a regular timetable.
Back in the zine’s heyday, I had a mailing list of well over a hundred; I sent out postcards and email announcements when new issues appeared, and traded with a lot of other zinesters. Producing and distributing the zine was quite an operation. Between the cover design and printing, the collating and stapling, and the addressing and mailing, it was a lot of work. And that was all in addition to writing, editing, and proofreading the damn thing. Of course, I had someone helping me for a long time, and she was much more efficient than me. Without her, I probably wouldn’t have been nearly as prolific. Even though it was hard work, though, it was a labor of love. I made good friends whom I still feel a special bond with. I have five binders packed full of correspondence that continues to grow, and a sprawling collection of other people’s zines and artwork. I used to receive the most interesting mail; every week the mailbox yielded several wildly decorated envelopes stuffed with a wide range of goodies and some of the most thought-provoking writing I’ve ever read.
These days I’ve scaled back a lot; it’s a much more streamlined operation. I print less copies. I trade with far fewer people. In fact, a lot of people who I used to trade with don’t even publish anymore. Zines, by their very nature, are ephemeral. Many don’t last past issue one or two. Those of us who have been publishing consistently for over ten years are members of a rare breed. Since I’m working on a smaller scale, I receive far fewer personal orders. I probably sell more copies through stores. Of course, I’m also not as thorough about sending new issues out to review publications. I guess I’m just not as concerned with getting new readers as I used to be. It’s nice when it happens, but I’ve never felt wholly comfortable promoting my own writing and it’s much easier to share new issues within a smaller known circle of readership.
Still, there is always the thrill of finding a letter in my PO Box from a new reader, especially in this age of primarily electronic communication. It’s equally exciting to discover a new zine there from an old correspondent who I thought had stopped publishing altogether. I may not find something in my box every week these days, but there’s a comforting rhythm to the waves of correspondence that do come my way. It’s these old connections that remain, and the few new ones that are forged from time to time, that are the pleasant side effects of my creative endeavor. They help inspire me, and for that I’m very grateful.
Posted by sean on February 20, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/02/20/zine-life/
Warning: Rant to follow
For some time now, and for various reasons not all of which I will mention here, my wrath toward Google has been festering. We have allowed Google to extend its insidious tentacles into our lives to the extent that I’m sure some people think they simply can’t live without it. Meanwhile, Google continues to make inroads with its efforts to ultimately manage all of the information entering and exiting our lives. Witness this, for example. Now don’t get me wrong; I use Google all the time. I have a Gmail account and I’m a fan of iGoogle for aggregating news and other RSS feeds. I just don’t want Google to rule the world, and I think it’s getting a little too cocky for its own good.
But this rant isn’t directed at Google as an entity; it’s directed at Google, the bossy search engine that acts as an enabler to the most ignorant of its users. By doing so, it in turn alienates its more intelligent users (you know, the ones who can actually spell and type, and who know what they’re looking for), and cripples its own value as an online finding aid. I’d like to illustrate my point with a pertinent example. For a long time, typing a compound word (e.g. sandpaper) without quotes into Google’s search box would produce only results with that exact word in them. Then Google started including results that included the two separate parts of the compound word (e.g. sand and paper, if they appeared next to each other). At that point, if you only wanted relevant hits with the compound word alone (not as two separate words), you had to enclose the word in double quotes. However, at some point last year (I think), Google decided to go one step further and always include hits that had the two separate parts of the compound word even if you enclosed the compound word in quotes when you searched it.
Now, this may not seem like a major issue at first glance. And with many compound words, it’s not, simply because the word itself is so common that it will dominate the relevancy ranking system, and the hits with the compound word split into two smaller words will appear few and far between, mostly in the deeper pages of the results list. However, in today’s world, idiomatic language aberrations constantly appear in everyday speech, despite the fact that they may not be “real” words. In addition, many company names, publication and book titles, and product names are nonstandard compound words. Take Paperchase, for example. It’s a UK stationery company. But The Paper Chase is also a movie. If you want to find results for the company Paperchase and not the movie, you can no longer just put quotes around it and search. If you do, you will also end up with references to the movie, in addition to other hits that have the words “paper” and “chase” next to each other (of which there are many, seeing as it’s a common idiom). You can try to work around this by eliminating words from your search using the minus sign, but then you risk losing relevant results. With this seemingly subtle change in its advanced search capabilities, Google is heavily influencing a person’s ability to find the limited list of relevant results they seek. This change may be useful for people who are sloppy typists and accidentally leave out a space in their query, but it destroys the relevancy ranking for queries that are meant to be just one compound word. [Note: it doesn’t matter if you type the quotes yourself, or if you type the word into the “this exact wording or phrase” box on the advanced search page. Either way, it ignores the quotes when executing the query. Interestingly, if you type the quotes around the word on the basic search screen and then switch to the Advanced Search page, it actually strips the quotes out! And if quotes are around the word on the basic search screen, it should show up in the “this exact wording or phrase” box when you switch to Advanced Search, but it doesn’t.]
I’m sure that Google’s motivation for this change is to help the user (while at the same time increasing ad revenue, since more search results equal more potential ad-clicks). But I find this change really annoying, and just another example of how Google enables people who are sloppy typists and/or don’t know how to spell or search to blissfully continue down that road. Where’s the motivation to be a better typist or to learn to spell correctly if Google automatically corrects all your errors? When I do a search with quotes, it’s because I want my results to be narrowed down in relevancy. By automatically assuming that I might have inadvertently left out a space between two words that also make a compound word, Google disallows me from narrowing down my results. So what if I had accidentally left out a space? I would’ve figured it out when I saw my search results, and then could’ve re-run my search. I would’ve lost a few seconds of time, but at least I would’ve had the opportunity to correct my mistake. By autocorrecting my compound word “mistake”, though, Google effectively shuts out the possibility of producing a truly relevant list of results, instead forcing me to weed them out on my own from the irrelevant ones. Why do you treat me like such a lazy idiot, Google? Don’t you think that if I was careful enough to put quotes around my search, I would’ve typed a space in my query if I wanted it there? Using Google’s search engine increasingly insults my intelligence. In my opinion, this dilution of advanced search capabilities in the interest of “convenience” only serves to decrease Google’s usefulness. It is also just another example of how obsessed the world is with “saving time” and making everything instantaneous and therefore more “efficient”, at the regrettable expense of quality craftsmanship, usefulness, long-term value, and countless other characteristics that have largely fallen by the wayside in our modern society. And as Google increases the ways in which it automatically anticipates and corrects our searches, it becomes that much easier for it to push us towards certain sites, thus shaping what information we consume without us even realizing it. If that’s not scary to you, then maybe you need to re-read 1984.
P.S. I also despise Google’s auto-suggestion feature for some of the same reasons (and others), but I’ll leave that rant for another time.
Posted by sean on February 16, 2009
https://sd-stewart.com/2009/02/16/warning-rant-to-follow/
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