infirm

I picked up some kind of spring bug…it hasn’t been that bad so far, but it’s got me down.  I haven’t been sick since early last fall when I had a mild cold.  The law of averages finally caught up to me, though.  I stayed home from work today, mostly because I can’t stand when people go to work when they’re sick and spread their germs around for all the rest of us to breathe in. 

On Friday I went to Philly to see Screeching Weasel on their reunion tour.  They played most of the right songs, and they played them well, but it was all very mechanical.  Ben Weasel exhibited asocial behavior during the show, never changing his expression and speaking to the crowd with a level of aloofness I’m not sure I’ve ever witnessed from a punk rock frontman.  I never saw SW back in the day so I don’t know if he always acts like that on stage, but having read Ben’s columns in MaximumRocknRoll, I always suspected he wouldn’t be the type to effectively demonstrate genuine enthusiastic gratitude to his fans.  Sure, he thanked us and all, and maybe he was being sincere, but it seemed very cold and calculated.  I told my friend afterward that I felt more like I’d just closed a business deal than watched a punk rock show.  The Troc is a really nice place, though.  I hope to see some more shows there in the future.

On Saturday, I lurked around out in the countryside all day, visiting flea markets and auctions, and liberating abandoned trees and shrubs from a nursery’s dumping ground.  It was good times with old friends, and long overdue.

Last night I woke up at 3:40 AM and a robin was singing.  I knew they started early, but I’d never heard them at that hour before.  Interestingly, scientists in the UK published a study that showed urban robins sing later (or earlier) based on the levels of ambient noise they have to compete with during the daytime.

Meanwhile, migration is really heating up.  The birding discussion list I subscribe to overflows with reports of returning warblers, while I am sick and/or have to go to work.  NOT FAIR!  Also, this time of year is rapidly becoming the one rare period where I sometimes actually wish I did own a car.  Being city-bound seriously limits my birding options, and the easiest spots to bike to haven’t been that great so far this spring.  Losing the hour or more necessary to ride somewhere farther away crimps my plans when the most productive time spent in the field is usually in the morning.   I’m thinking that maybe next year I’ll just take the entire month of May off and go birding every day.  That way I won’t feel so bad about missing so many bits and pieces of prime time.

40 minutes over

Even before 11:30, I’m getting antsy.  I’ve been sitting imprisoned for an hour and a half, legs bouncing, hands restless, brain screaming.  Nothing to contribute, not much of personal relevance coming across the table to distract me.  Just listening to the others talk, and oh, do they love to talk.  The scheduled end comes and goes as everyone jockeys to get in the last word. “Well, I just have two points to make regarding what you just said.”  “Okay, I take your points and raise you three more!”  “Actually, I was thinking it would be more like this.”  “Oh, but what about this issue?”  More debate, more talking to hear themselves talk.  The temperature rises from all the hot air spewing out around spoken words.  Back and forth. Point, counterpoint.  I feel my skin tingling, my throat tightening.  I literally clamp my teeth shut to avoid screaming.  Several times I contemplate getting up and leaving, with nothing more than a mouthed “I have to go” to my boss.  Why not?  Would anyone really care?  Why was I even invited to this?  I have zero contributions to make.  I should be at my desk, doing arguably more important things.  [Of course, on a philosophical level, it’s quite difficult to determine what is of actual importance in this case.  On a personal level, were I to make a list, there would certainly be very little on it.  In fact, I really should be outside looking for warblers.]  For 40 more long minutes hope grows and dies over and over in the space of a few seconds as each person dispenses another useless nugget into the mix.  My stomach growls as the lunch hour approaches, then begins to pass.  Several of us gather our things to leave only to then replace them on the table with an air of resignation as we realize we were fooled yet again.  A guy on the phone speaks in a throaty warble…please clear your throat, please clear it, I don’t want to hear you struggle to talk through a clot of phlegm.  He finally tries to clear it, but the quaver rapidly returns.  Inside I kick and yell and curse with abandon. Outside I just look down at my notepad and outline the same words over and over and over until the black ink screams off the page. Finally, the end comes.  I can barely speak.  I am completely spent with nothing to show.  There’s another one scheduled in 50 minutes but I will blow it off.  There is only so much I can take.

blurred

I’m tired…allergy season is upon me and it seems like this year it’s gonna be particularly rough. I feel like I’m sorta falling apart at the seams and simultaneously sewing them back up. A little stuffing drops out each time. My dreams have broadened, become richer and more verdant, but I still struggle to recall them. This distresses me. I don’t think I’m prepared for another summer in the city. It seems different now…the violence more palpable, the callousness in the streets hardened to an impermeable crust. I seek open fields with endless skies and not a building in site. I just keep blundering along, not really knowing what I’m doing at all. I miss writing…it’s like an old friend I keep meaning to call up on the phone. It’s a challenge for me to prioritize.  I shouldn’t have to prioritize that. But there’s no forcing it, either. I feel like I should know a few more things than I do at this point in my life. Other people’s lives fascinate me…do they also doubt themselves on a near-daily basis? Do they also feel like proto-adults? And by proto- I mean primitive. Ah well…another epic zen fail for the day.

spring

dragon monday breathing down your neck

Yes, once again it is Sunday night and I am reluctant to bring the weekend to a close. It started out great on Friday with an excellent day of birding at Lake Roland. Many new arrivals were on-site, both summer residents and migrants passing through.  I found most of the birds I was hoping to see, with the exception of a Brown Thrasher.  The day started out a bit slow but I eventually came upon a mixed flock of Palm Warblers and Yellow-rumped Warblers.  It was wonderful to see swallows hawking insects out over the lake again.  The crew I spotted included Barn, Tree, and Northern Rough-Winged.  Other highlights included a pair of Wood Ducks, three Red-tailed Hawks soaring on a thermal (as well as one being acrobatically harassed by a crow), a high-flying Black Vulture, and the buzzing of many newly returned Blue-gray Gnatcatchers.

Much of the rest of the weekend was spent working in the yard, ripping out the evil multiflora rose and pulling weeds.  I have battle scars from the rose bush.  Many of the vegetable seeds in our new raised bed have germinated over the past week (photo forthcoming).  Today we went to a native plant sale and bought an inkberry bush and two butterfly weed plants.  Unfortunately, I found out later that inkberry bushes are dioecious, which means they require a male and female plant in order to produce their berries.  Now we must determine what sex the plant is; if it’s a female, it will need a male to pollinate it.  If there’s not one in the neighborhood (probably not likely), then we need to plant a male so the birds can have their berries.

Tomorrow begins a new week of stifling office hell.  Hooray.  One day I will extinguish the putrid fire of the Monday dragon forever!

minutiae

I wrote a post last night but it was way too introspective to publicize on here.  Seeing as much of what I write here is probably way too introspective, it must have been pretty bad, huh?  Yes, yes it was.  So what has been going on?  Well, I went away for a few days to the beach.  Did some birding over there, but nothing extraordinary.  The mist on Saturday morning worked against us.  Birds were present but it was too foggy to see many of them.  Next day was clear, but birds were on the inaccessible side of the pond, and we had no scope. That’s on the list to get.  On Sunday, I saw my first of year Barn Swallow, flying over the ocean of all places.  Best shot of the trip was probably that of an osprey perched in a tree limb leaning out over a pond, clutching a dead fish in its talon. It was a majestic sight, and in my opinion much more impressive than, say, a Bald Eagle holding some scrap it just stole from a Turkey Vulture.  Many Pine Warblers were present in the pines (natch) but it was still early for most passerine migrants. A few other warblers are being reported elsewhere in Maryland (Louisiana Waterthrush, Palm, Yellow).  In a few weeks things will be in full swing!

We planted the garden last week.  The mesclun mix came up yesterday, but nothing else has poked through yet.  The sprawling multiflora rose (aka “rambling rose”) has been targeted for removal due to its invasive nature.  I hope to replace it with a native shrub, probably one with berries that birds like to eat.

It’s taking me three days to write this entry…

Updates: some radishes and lettuce up now in the garden.  I put out the hummingbird feeder this morning.  Crabapple tree out back is in full flower (white), and the cherry tree out front has shed all of its flowers…pink petals now scatter the yard.  Weather has been in the low 90s (!) past couple of days.  Not good for sleeping.

At work, I sneak away for a few minutes in the afternoon and listen to the house finches sing as I walk around the harbor. One of them has staked out his territory on the Coast Guard vessel and sings his heart out from the very top of the ship each day.  This is all I can do to maintain a few tendrils of sanity.

Another cyclist was killed by a car, this time in the county on a road I’ve ridden often.  The usual “road rights” argument rages as a family grieves another senseless death.

I am weary, and my dreams, when I remember them, horrify me.

sometimes…

…each day feels like starting over. And there are so many things not to care about but that still inflict themselves upon you. When I have a million things to say I barely croak a word. Other people’s lives are a foreign language:  they fascinate yet confuse. Why this weight of the temporal? Like life is a waiting room. Seeing the future but never getting there. And the past looks like disjointed squares quilted by a madman and torn to shreds. It’s so far away, even what’s recent. Anxious compulsions wrap tendrils around restless hands. The bands of time tighten. We’re all settled in now so flip the switch and let us ride the unfinished track to blankness.

woodcock-blocked

Yesterday, the dulcet tones of the resident mockingbird guided me through my morning rituals. Once the eyes and ears have awakened to nature’s wonder, they just keep opening wider each day. Even in this broken and struggling city, there are many dazzling natural phenomena to discover. Often they are subtle and may take time to become attuned to, but with a little searching a reward will come. And it will keep paying out over a lifetime.

In that spirit, we set out one night last week to look for American Woodcocks at a local park.  I’d yet to lay eyes or ears on this elusive and fascinating bird.  A report on a birding discussion list tipped me off to their presence at this particular park, and so it seemed like a good opportunity.  During spring months, the male woodcocks come out at dusk in open fields to perform their “sky dance” (as described by Aldo Leopold) in hopes of attracting a mate.  We arrived at the park around 7:30 PM and walked down the trail in the fading light. About a quarter mile in, we heard several woodocks making their “peent” calls.  Soon we arrived at the power line cut, a broad open area, and found two other birders staked out below the trail at what sounded like the epicenter of the “peenting” activity.  We hung around for about ten minutes, until my companion began showing heightened signs of anxiety concerning the rapidly increasing darkness.  No flight displays had been observed, but I reluctantly headed back down the trail.  As we neared the parking area, we saw a truck with its lights on and a ranger walking around.  Two other cars besides ours were present.  We reached our car just as the ranger was copying down the license plate number onto a ticket.  I approached him and explained that we were looking for woodcocks, thinking that a park ranger would share the enthusiasm of people using the park to observe nature.  Instead I was met with a blank stare, followed by a typical verbose string of law enforcement pedantry, whereby arbitrary rules are repeated ad nauseum in the tone and manner with which one usually addresses a disobedient toddler.  Yes, officer, I heard you the first of the now six times (and counting!) that you have told me the park closes at sunset.  Thank you for pointing out in an incredulous tone that it’s now well past that point in time.  It’s a pity that the woodcock is unwilling to accommodate the draconian time constraints you impose upon well-meaning folks who endeavor to quietly observe this marvel of the natural world.  Thankfully, our new friend was kind enough to let us off with a carefully enunciated and frequently repeated warning.  Not so lucky were the owners of that Toyota Prius parked next to our car, who were undoubtedly still ravaging naked through the woods when we left, setting random fires and hurling empty whiskey bottles at the local deer.

I know that park rangers are just following orders, and there are perhaps (although in this location doubtfully so) people who shouldn’t be allowed in parks after dark. And maybe that’s the problem:  it would be considered “discriminatory” to ban certain people but allow others, so as a result we all suffer.  But if there were no limits on public land, would it all just end up trashed?  It’s a tough question to answer, because by answering yes we acknowledge that people are essentially programmed to self-destruct, or at least to destroy the planet that sustains their existence.  And certainly history has more than hinted at this predisposition.  By answering no, on the other hand, we are branded as naive by those who set the rules.  It’s a conversation that could proceed in a perpetual circle.

All philosophical musings aside, I just want to see the woodcock spiral toward the sky.  A simple and innocent enough desire, or so I thought.  But I don’t want to be harassed by some park cop in the process.  Why is that so much to ask?

this slate can never be erased

Foment angst so there is a thing to describe, not straight nor flat nor dull nor the same as before, but colored instead with the red of madness.  Like Dillard says, stalk the gaps.  But sometimes there’s waiting to be done.  Blank days, empty months, they shape themselves into forms you will recognize in time.  I can’t even pretend to care anymore about the empty words flaking down around me, stuffing my mouth with cotton ideas, my head so ready to explode its vitriol across the table, spreading over your useless papers, seeping through the fabric of your dress pants.  My internal voice so hoarse from screaming the vilest curses I can barely think just a word when I finally throw my leg up over the handlebars in defeat and make it all a shrinking dot behind me.  I’m hollowed out from the inside, your words carved out whatever mattered and replaced it with a frothy foam devoid of substance.  I sit and wait, sit and wait.  There may be nothing out there, nothing at all, but I still sense the madness, up in the corners, in the late night hours, triggers ablaze in the dark circles around your eyes.  I seize upon it and bite down to suck it dry.  I will fill myself back up, every time, no matter how many times you empty me. 

yup, sunday night

Ah, Sunday night…when I linger even longer over ads for jobs that I will never ever bother to apply for.  Sunday night, when a certain gray woolen world-weariness descends, tamping out the embers that have sparked to life over three days away from the twelfth circle of Hell. 

But to focus on the positive, it was a good weekend…full of birding and time with friends (and even some family).  Friday night I enjoyed an excellent dinner here with said friends and family.  I spent a lot of time outside, enjoying the amazing weather.  Also, gardening materials were gathered today.  Soon the raised bed will be constructed and seeds will be planted.  On Friday at Lake Roland, I heard my FOY (that’s first-of-year for you non-birders) Pine Warbler and Eastern Phoebe.  On Saturday at North Point State Park, I saw my FOY Osprey, while barbecuing with friends a few steps away from the Bay.  Earlier that day, a friend and I attended naturalist extraordinaire Jim Peters’ bird walk at Fort McHenry.  The highlights for me were a very cooperative Brown Creeper that literally seemed to be following us around (best looks I’ve ever gotten at this bird), and a small flock of Fox Sparrows (soon to be headed north!).  At the Fort I also saw my FOY Tree Swallows, a welcome sight indeed.  So it was definitely an awesome weekend for spotting and hearing a few of the early migrants, as well as for fraternizing with some of my non-feathered friends.

Now I will return to Winesburg, Ohio for a final visit before I move on in my travels, next time to Texasville.

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