in the morning or the late afternoon or in the midnight hour

When sleep still clouds your eyes, and the day has not yet dawned upon you. When dreams still stuff your head from ear to ear, and sleep still lies in reach. When there’s still a chance the day belongs to you. When you haven’t yet sat down for hours and when your mouth can form words and electricity showers the air with invisible sparks. There is a single moment, plucked from so many others, where you feel it, that which you grew up without but saw in others instead, from afar. Then later, sifting through a pile of the day’s written words, stacked up in your electronic woodlot, a certain desperation grows again. Even later still, the banjo duels with the fiddle across the orange light seeping into the wooden floorboards. The country in the city, within these four walls, shut up in the stale air, but breathing life. The night’s sleepy eyes begin to shut, and in between each drowsy blink, I think of you and you and everyone.

Amy Hempel

So I just discovered Amy Hempel’s writing.  I guess I am behind the times, but whatever…at least I found her!  I looked up an interview and her answer to this question below struck me.  In particular, this statement of hers rang like a bell in my head:  “I’m still drawn to MOMENTS, moments when power shifts between two people, or moments when something small but encompassing happens.”

YES.  Yes, Amy.

I also really like the quote from that Jane Hirshfield poem…I’m going to have to look that poem up.  In her answer to the next question, Amy talks about poetry and how important it is in helping her craft stories, how you learn about rhythm and conserving words, among other valuable lessons.

RH: Your longest written work, Tumble Home, is a novella. Have you ever considered or attempted a full-length novel? And what attracts you to the short story form?
 
AH: I have never wanted to write a novel, though I might write another novella someday. I never get tired of what stories can do. I’m working very short again, and will continue this way (short-shorts, prose poems) until that gets old. I’m still drawn to MOMENTS, moments when power shifts between two people, or moments when something small but encompassing happens. There is a poem by Jane Hirshfield titled “Changing Everything” that best describes what I mean by that last– a person walking in the woods who picks up a stick and moves it to the other side of the path and says, “There, that’s done now.”

another day in the woods

So I had a photo to post from my outing yesterday, but wouldn’t you know it, my camera’s USB cord is MIA.  I’ve scoured the house to no avail.  So all I’ve got once again tonight is my stream of words.  Let’s see if I can hydrate this barren electronic soil with them enough to grow some trees.

The oppressive heat continues, and as I’d had a late night on Thursday, I left the house later yesterday morning than I would’ve liked.  By the time I spun my wheels down the final leg of my journey to Lake Roland, I was near soaked in sweat.  Locking up my bike to a No Parking sign, I listened to woods devoid of birdsong.  I didn’t really care, though.  What I needed first and foremost was a restorative walk in the woods, and if there were some birds around, even the better.  But if they were laying low, I certainly couldn’t blame them.  The day was still a ways off from reaching high noon, and yet the heavy air already steamed with the essence of warm bath water.  I knew once I stepped from pavement to soil, though, that the temperature would cease to register as a discomfort to me.

As I walked down the dead end road to the entrance to the park, I opened my ears and my eyes, and set the pace for the day.  Today was a day to practice slow birding, where I often stop for long periods of time, standing still, and wait for the birds to come to me.  Sometimes it works better than other times, but it’s always a worthwhile venture.  It reminds me of the reason I truly love birding; it’s not the feeling I get from ticking off a new lifer (although that’s always nice), but the wonder I experience when watching a bird close-up, by really observing its behavior.

Once in the park, I picked up on a few birds here and there.  I started out on the path down toward the lake, thinking I’d start there and then backtrack.  But as I reached the first crossroads in the trail, I heard the soft hooting of a Barred Owl.  I decided to backtrack and see if I could find it.  I’d found one before in the general area where the hooting was coming from.  I crossed over another trail and entered the shade of the pines, but had no luck in locating the owl.  As I moved in slow increments down the path, I did find some pockets of bird activity, though. There were many cardinals and catbirds present, and a few singing White-eyed Vireos.

I soon encountered what would be my slow birding highlight of the day: ten minutes or so of close proximity to an Eastern Wood-Pewee as it practiced its trade, swiftly and efficiently hawking insects from a tree branch.  Flying out in a swooping circle, it would snatch an insect and then return to the same branch to eat it, all in one fluid motion.  I hear pewees often, as they are one of the few persistent forest singers in the deep heat of mid to late summer when many birds have long since clammed up for the season, but rarely have I had a chance to be this close to one for so long.  As I peered at it through my bins, I could see its eyes darting back and forth as it followed the insect paths through the air.  This bird was a true master of its craft.

Eventually I left the pewee behind, and made my way down toward the feeder stream heading to the lake.  On my way, I found a Monarch butterfly and watched it feeding on nectar for a few minutes.  This monarch’s colors looked fresh, and I marveled at how nature could fashion such a beautiful creature.  The monarchs have begun their epic journey to Mexico, and this particular one may already have been en route.  Monarchs are the only butterflies to make such a long two-way migration.  The ones that emerge from the pupal stage in late summer and early fall know by instinct to head straight for their ancestral wintering grounds in Mexico.  Then in spring, they return north to reproduce and finish their life cycle.  So when you see monarchs in the fall, they are performing one of the more amazing feats in the natural world.  I find it surprising enough that such a small creature as a hummingbird can migrate such a great distance, crossing the entire Gulf of Mexico and beyond.  But to think that a butterfly, so seemingly fragile and ephemeral, can travel for thousands of miles, survive an entire winter in Mexico, and then travel thousands more miles to its breeding grounds…well, it just seems so unlikely, so absurd!  And yet it happens every year, whether we notice it or not.

Once at the stream, I disrupted some crows roosting in the muddy bottomlands alongside it, a favorite afternoon spot of theirs.  A couple of individuals scolded me vigorously for at least ten minutes, but I was too absorbed in some movement way up high in the treetops to pay them much mind.  I was about to give up on IDing whatever it was because it was so far up there and mostly obscured by leaves as it hunted insects.  But then it flew to another tree and I saw what it was:  an American Redstart, an immature male or a female, my first “fall warbler” of the year.

As I followed the stream I encountered many robins and catbirds, with a sprinkling of chickadees, titmice, and goldfinches.  On the other side of the stream I spotted a hummingbird feeding from some yellow trumpet-shaped flowers (haven’t been able to ID them yet).  I heard and briefly saw a Great Crested Flycatcher.  When I reached the lake, many Chimney Swifts suddenly flew out from the trees out over the water.  I walked down the wooden steps to the water and sat for a while, eating an apple.  I felt at peace, and I knew then that it was okay to leave.

perched on the precipice of the week

Thursday night once again I come drink from your dirty trough. I am like a moth dancing with the flame, my paper thin wings licked by fire’s cleansing fangs. The filmstrip of my life rattles on, a string of vague faces in scenes etched on celluloid. I stumble along behind, stretching out an arm or leg here and there, just trying to stay in the field of view. And in the shadows the fiddle plays high and lonesome, keeping perfect time to the insanity of it all.

it was dark as i drove the point home

Rain and cool breezes hint at what is to come. I’ve felt it for weeks now…the impending shift in seasons.  As I applied yet another coat of paint to the doors down in the basement, I turned up the melancholy on the stereo…the inaugural playing of The Smiths.  Morrissey crooned over my shoulder as my brush moved smoothly back and forth across the wooden surfaces.

This summer has been particularly rough, the oppressive heat sucking the life out of everything…the plants, the trees, and me.  As always I’m looking forward to fall, but maybe even more than usual this year.

friday morning

I throw open the windows to let in a surprisingly cool mid-August breeze.  I sit close to hear the cottonwood leaves rustle as they tell their stories.  A crow calls, soon he will be joined here by his brethren on their winter roosting grounds.  A cardinal chips, probably while out there eating the grapes growing on my neighbor’s arbor.  I’ve been finding them on the deck railing lately, pierced through and emptied of their insides.  Out through the sun porch windows I see a hummingbird pass by, lingering first at the crape myrtle blossoms.  On the stereo now, Walker and Jay play their twisted and gnarled mountain music; the sad soulful notes swirl around this round table where I sit and soar up through the window screens to the grey skies above. I have two doors to paint today and that is something.

3 AM

3 AM, the witching hour.  Eyes pop open and then…a kaleidoscopic filmstrip of every thought you’ve had lately chugs to life and begins the slow plodding death march across the 360° screen of your head-space.  The thoughts are lurid and over-developed, much more menacing and ridiculous than their original incarnations.  You toss and turn but that just makes the film move faster.  Three nights in a row at 3 AM…you’ve come face-to-face with the dreaded triumvirate of sleep interruption, blazing an insomniac trail through a week of too much daytime coffee and too little time at peace.  Congratulations, here is your gold tie tack.

commuter rant

As a long-time bike commuter, I have always prided myself on my ability to keep all senses on high alert while traveling between home, work, and anywhere else I choose to ride.  My 360° awareness and accompanying quick response time are what keep me relatively safe on the streets.  But now I am weary.  I am weary of asinine drivers.  I am weary of ignorant pedestrians.  I am weary of the need for this constant vigilance.  Take this morning, for example.  I approach a red traffic light.  A car waits at the light across the intersection.  The driver does not have her turn signal on.  I am headed straight.  The light turns green almost immediately, and so I push off into the intersection.  At the same time, still without signaling, the driver turns left into my path.  I dodge to the right in order to avoid being hit, yelling out in frustration.  As she completes her turn, the driver reacts in outrage, yelling at me, “What the fuck?!”

So, let’s review.  We are facing each other at an intersection.  Neither of us is indicating an intended turn, which means that we would both have the right-of-way to proceed straight without pausing.  Now, if she intended to turn she should: (a) indicate her intention with her turn signal, and (b) wait for me to pass through the intersection before executing her turn, as I have the right-of-way.  The fact that I am on a bike is irrelevant to the traffic law.  A bicycle is a moving vehicle equivalent to a car in this state and thus should be yielded to in the same way that other cars are yielded to when they have the right-of-way.

If I had to guess, I would say that if I had been driving a car, this driver would have yielded to me, because if she hadn’t, she would quite likely have been hit, especially considering that she didn’t have her signal on.  But because I was on a bike, I was, what, a non-entity, not a physical threat to her car, and therefore not worth yielding to?  She had to have seen me.  My body language indicated that I was going straight through the intersection.  But instead she chose to ignore me, and then reacted with hostility toward me when I was merely exercising my right-of-way.  What’s more is that her hostility seemed so genuine.  How can I expect to survive on the streets when drivers believe their horrible driving practices to be right and true?

The bottom line is that I’m tired of deconstructing incidents like this.  They didn’t used to bother me as much.  But I don’t feel like it’s getting better out there.  You would think more cyclists on the road would mean more awareness among drivers.  But that awareness is either not coming, or it’s approaching with the speed of cold molasses.  A common argument stated by the trolls who post comments on bike safety articles online is that cyclists shouldn’t get treated like regular traffic until they start obeying all the rules (stopping at every stop sign, etc.).  To that I say, why would I wait at a stop sign (or red light) if I can proceed safely through it ahead of other traffic?  Is it better for me to wait there with the automotive traffic, and then risk being hit by a driver eager to cut me off?  I have to think about what’s safest for me because I’m not surrounded by two tons of steel.  And from my observations over the years, I’ve determined that the safest thing for me is to stay ahead of traffic whenever possible.  It’s quite obvious to me that most, if not all, drivers do not want me in their way.

Basically, I feel invisible on my bike.  And it’s not just the drivers ignoring me.  Pedestrians don’t hear I’m coming, and they never look before crossing the street, anyway.  Maybe they would look if they heard something…I don’t really know.  I see them walk out in front of cars without looking, too…I guess maybe they just have a death wish.  And even if they do look at me, they still walk out in front of me half the time.  I don’t know what it is.  Do they misjudge how fast a bike can travel?  Do they not realize that getting hit by a bike hurts?  Maybe they wouldn’t die or be paralyzed, but I guarantee they’d suffer some injuries.

Bike commuting used to be fun.  My trips to work and back were usually the highlights of my day, times when I felt truly alive.  Now, I am more likely to dread those trips.  The city streets are alive with danger.  If it’s not a car hitting you, it will be a roving band of teenagers attacking you and stealing your bike, or just practicing some act of random violence upon you.  For the first time, I’m starting to really wonder if it’s worth it.  How can I just enjoy riding my bike if I think everyone is out to get me?  If it were just my imagination maybe I could learn to fight it.  But the proof continues to manifest itself all around me, and I can’t just turn away.

thoughtworm.com update

After years of languishing in neglect, my website has finally received a much-needed redesign.  It’s a wonder I ever received any orders for my zine based on the convoluted ordering instructions I used to have on there.  And let’s not even begin to imagine the number of broken external links.  I didn’t even bother to check; I just cleared it all off and started over.  It’s much cleaner now and I’m pleased with the result.  It will be easier to maintain, so maybe this time I won’t ignore it for another five years.

wearing my badger suit

Sleep evades as manic passion envelops. Meanwhile they’re closing in. They want what they don’t have and I don’t want most of what I’ve got. But I’m still angry and afraid. It’s in the late night hours that we confront the truths that daylight scatters to the dark corners. It’s when the needle hits the vinyl past midnight that you start to wonder what’s really going on. Drinking this American Water and feeling okay, but in a different uncontrolled kind of way. Maybe side two holds the answers? Maybe not. Maybe there are no answers.

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